Let's have some Christmas cheer 4 r troops- posted these in 2007 and 2009 and now 2012- love u each and all so much... over 11 years... and millions and millions of us still have ur backs- land-sea and air- abroad and home- then...now... always
TRUE PATRIOT LOVE- CANADA: STANDING STRONG AND TRUE.... FOR TOMORROW- HONOURING OUR CANADIAN TROOPS....
Standing Strong & True (For Tomorrow) Official Music Video (HD)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuNeV0fMflw
All benefits donated to the families of fallen soldiers.....
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WOUNDED WARRIORS.CA "Freedom" Support our troops
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFuVGYRZUa0
Wounded Warriors.ca
BN: 828082727RR0001
Uploaded on 23 Aug 2007
The Sapper Mike McTeague Wounded Warrior Fund supports Canadian service persons wounded on operations, at the outset of the healing process. The fund aims to improve the general morale and welfare of the soldiers and their families by working through first-line caregivers, medical staff, chaplain's and Assisting Officers
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Glenfiddich Single Malt Scotch and Wounded Warriors Canada
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taQ7FE0Rdbk
Published on 12 Jun 2013
A Pioneer Partnership with Glenfiddich Single Malt Scotch and Wounded Warriors Canada. $2 from every bottle of Glenfiddich 15 Year Old sold across Canada in 2013 and onwards, will support Wounded Warriors Canada's. With a goal to provide the single largest one-time donation, Glenfiddich is looking to surpass the $52,000 raised in 2012 with this fundraising initiative.
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Wounded Warriors rendition of "Hallelujah- u want 2 hear a voice- take uself a listen friends
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5OkyNSw8LQ
Published on 21 Jun 2013
While waiting for a doctor's appointment at Walter Reed I was blessed to hear some Wounded Warriors making beautiful music as part of their therapy. The song and young men moved me to tears...
USA
http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/
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CANADA MILITARY:24-Hour Toll-Free Crisis Help Line- Canadians pls tweet this number and facebook it 2 show support and help 4 our troops- it's what Canadians do- our troops and kids matter
Veterans Affairs Canada Assistance Service
http://www.veterans.gc.ca/eng/crisis-help-line
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HOW 2 CATCH A CANADIAN
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Honour the Fallen, Help the Living
http://www.woundedwarriors.ca/
Founded in 2006, Wounded Warriors Canada is a non-profit organization that helps Canadian Forces members – be they full time or reservists – who have been wounded or injured in their service to Canada.
Through a wide range of programs and services, we help find solutions where gaps have left our soldiers in need. Currently, our primary focus is on mental health and, particularly, the staggering impact of PTSD, perpetrated by Operational Stress Injuries. Overall, however, our mandate is to help any Veteran in need as they transition to civilian life.
Honour the Fallen, Help the Living
http://www.woundedwarriors.ca/
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USA
Wounded Warrior Project: Trace Adkins and the West Point Cadet Glee Club
To honor and empower Wounded Warriors.
Vision |
Purpose |
To foster the most successful, well-adjusted generation of wounded service members in our nation's history.
- To raise awareness and enlist the public's aid for the needs of injured service members.
- To help injured service members aid and assist each other.
- To provide unique, direct programs and services to meet the needs of injured service members.
Armed with FILIS and a culture of teamwork, WWP staff work to foster the most successful, well-adjusted generation of wounded warriors in our nation's history.
- Fun
- Integrity
- Loyalty
- Innovation
- Service
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AUSSIE DIGGERS
http://soldieron.org.au/
www.soldieron.org.au
Soldier On is about Australians coming together to show their support for our physically and psychologically wounded; we will always have their backs. We work to enhance recovery, inspire communities and empower Australia’s wounded, giving those who have served our country the dignity they deserve and the chance to do and be whatever they choose.
Aussie's racing 2 the South Pole (now walking)- Video
http://today.ninemsn.com.au/video/?videoid=73625395-4dcb-482d-b06e-63ba0bb5f65d&src=v5:pause:titleBar^link:uuids&from=mpl_en-au_today_news^today^video
April 23, 2013: Meet the Aussies who are taking on Prince Harry on a race to the South Pole. 22 Apr 2013
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UK
TO ALL OUR WOUNDED WARRIORS AND THEIR WOUNDED SOULS..... we love u so much... AND TO ALL THE FAMILIES AND COMMUNITIES OF OUR NATO TROOPS - this song touches so many Nato families...
uk
REMEMBER OUR WOUNDED WARRIORS- IT'S TIME......
Bed Of Roses - British Forces Remembered - OUR WOUNDED.... OUR FRAGILE.... OUR TORMENTED SOULS....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gJnrXXumfw
http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/
/
Support for our Wounded
We believe that any Serviceman or woman who suffers life changing injuries in the line of duty deserves the very best support for life.
http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/?gclid=CMG34r-HprsCFYg-MgodAV0A1g
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Merry Christmas to Our Canadian Troops
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=abLrky1mPVk
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You know u succeed when the devil screams.... 'Oh Crap.... she's up!'......
Such a cool video..... so cool
Santa's A Canadian
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei3rTITyOhY
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SANTA'S SITE..... FOR ALL GLOBAL BOYS AND GIRLS...
http://www.noradsanta.org/en/
CANR - NORAD Tracks Santa 2013 Eng
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwfxdLIsec0
Published on Nov 15, 2013
Canadian NORAD Region (CANR) - NORAD Tracks Santa 2013 Video - English
See how the Canadian NORAD Region helps Track Santa every year and how they help defend North America every day of the year!
Canada is bilingual- French and English
NORAD Tracks Santa - Canadian Region
CANR - NORAD Tracks Santa 2013 French
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFjzL2Nygr8
Région canadienne du NORAD (RC NORAD) - NORAD sur la piste de Santa 2013 Vidéo - français
Voyez comment la Région canadienne du NORAD aide hippodrome de Santa chaque année et comment ils aident à protéger l'Amérique du Nord tous les jours de l'année!
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FROM the mouth of the children...... God bless our Nato sons and daughters and all who join them working for peace and basic freedom and human rights.... where there is none
DEDICATED TO ALL MILITARY FAMILIES.....
Dear Santa...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKNRg8PXxgk
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FOOD FOR THOUGHT
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
- Mahatma Gandhi
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Gotta have us some hockey dudes and dudettes- 2 olympic gold/1 stanley cup/1 world's gold.... not bad
Sidney Crosby Tim Horton's Commercial (2010)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTrmIJ7SkC0
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like it used to be.....
Merry Christmas. 2011. Silver Bells. By Anne Murray.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J88H7uzJEUU
COMMENT:
A very nice version from Ann murray. I have quite a quite of her songs etc. Very nice yes indeed. Thanks for sending to me.
Bill-UK
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This is from UK and it's awesome..... just awesome..... land-sea-air...... heroes and angels..... heroes and angels... TALK ABOUT THE FULL MONTY....HOW BRITISH AND HOW UK..... THIS ROCKS...... :-) HILARIOUS
COMMENT:
Fucking Navy boys... typical :') I've never been so fucking proud to be British than I have right now.... Trust them to do something so embarrassing and amazing - never seen a bigger morale boost
RETURNING FROM DEPLOYMENT FOR CHRISTMAS 2011
All I Want For Christmas - HMS OCEAN Chistmas 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDZcGz4vmJc
COMMENT:
Fucking Navy boys... typical :') I've never been so fucking proud to be British than I have right now.... Trust them to do something so embarrassing and amazing - never seen a bigger morale boost
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This is from Afghanistan
Miami Dolphins Cheerleaders "Call Me Maybe" vs U.S. Troops "Call Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H96-TwrwY7M
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BRILLIANT CANADIAN TEEN AGER
Winnipeg teen charms 1 million with festive song
Sean Quigley - Little Drummer Boy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrNcD34KFhM
COMMENT: You put my generation to shame.... thank u
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So funny.... so cool ... Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish friends......Okay.... this is incredible..... incredible...wait till you see.... MOVES LIKE JAGGER... only Jewish ...OMG
Hanukkah song- Moves like Jagger
HANUKKAH - DECEMBER 8-16 2012- last years
Chanukah Jewish Rock of Ages - Official Hanukkah Song (Video)- Moves like Jagger
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyKWUpSMegE&feature=youtu.be
The parody of all parodies! "Chanukah: Rock of Ages" is a parody of Jewish holiday parody songs that have become so popular. It tells the Chanukah story in 8 hit songs, capturing the history of contemporary music and dance. INCREDIBLE
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CANADA
Okay this is just awesome... check this out.....
Bollywood dance in canada at digital christmas party 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByzFZHnHfFM
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Punjabi Press Club Of Canada's Christmas 2011 Message From House Of Commons Ottawa.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE3-ShOBC5Q
Speaker Of The Punjabi Press Club Of Canada recording his message from the speakers chair in ottawa on behalf of the Punjabi Press Club Of Canada
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Zimbabwe Community - BC Canada (2011 Christmas Party) Promo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoGU1dHDFH8
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Mario Larose Nictaux Nova Scotia- Christmas lights to beautiful music
Absolutely stunning.... brings out the child in each and all of us at Christmas.... thank u.
Nictaux Christmas Light Show 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75fMDjbxQZI
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Windsor's visiting students hail 'Merry Christmas' on YouTube
International students at the University of Windsor say they love hearing the greeting "Merry Christmas" and made a YouTube video to prove it.
CANADA: Decorating the new International Student Center at #UWindsor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVpTYTxST_Q
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Beautiful.... simple...honest.... and so the way it is....
Coming Home - The Trews - 2011
<object width="420" height="315"><param name="movie"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmoA5635zuk
New song from The Trews from their Christmas EP 'A Trew Holiday Gift'
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Soldier's Christmas
<object width="560" height="315"><param name="movie"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xdp2gvzwgZE
Canadian Forces, Force Protection Platoon stationed in Kandahar 2009-2010.
Song by Carol Adams (family member of the Force Protection Platoon)
Paintings by Silvia Pecota (www.silviapecota.com)
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How To Wrap A Cat For Christmas - hilarious and adorable - Merry Christmas
How To Wrap A Cat For Christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm3dm5J5r0A
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THE BEST VIDEO.... BILLY C'S LIKE MY DOG.... this is such a cool song.... and the videos are awesome
SAVING THROWAWAY DOGGIES...
Billy Currington - Like My Dog- LOVE ME LIKE MY DOG DOES HONEY..... best video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa8LpP-GlQg
Music video of listener submitted photos put to the music of Billy Currington's "Like My Dog."
Produced by My Country 95.5 with permission from Mercury Nashville Records.
Special thanks to everyone who submitted photos, Casper Animal Medical Center, Billy Currington and Mercury Nashville Records.
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The Canadian Tenors - The Perfect Gift
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJvXivCY8zE
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tears and prayers.... and feel the pride for our Nato children from our nations.... Angels wearing our flags....
Soldier's Silent Night.wmv 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWExFTFAQzA
COMMENT:
GOD BLESS ALL THE TROOPS FROM ALL NATIONS, WHO ARE FIGHTING TO KEEP THIS WORLD? SAFE! GOD BLESS YOU AND WE THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS!
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NORAD Tracks Santa 2013 Trailer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqIJFOb5YzA
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Santa's coming 4 all children of all ages who believe ...Goodwill towards each and all....
CHECK OUT THE GAMES 4 KIDDIES (all ages) ON NORAD folks..... and Santa can speak right to the classrooms.... check it out...
SANTA- Norad's fun... check it out kids
2012 NORAD Tracks Santa (HD)
http://youtube/jb0gj_sIBdg
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Those waiting at home........ the silent heroes of our Canada..... each and all.... Avril's incredible voice and words ....what a powerful song & video
Tribute to the Invisible rank - NOVEMBER 2011
www.youtube.com/watch?v=55ViNbZRDf8&feature=share
A tribute to the extended military families that suffer through tours and deployments so there Mothers, Fathers, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, sons or daughters can bring peace to others. I do not take any copyright claims to any of this material.
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AND .NOW.2.THE.JOKES 4 SANTA AND OUR TROOPS 4 CHRISTMAS
Australian Jingle Bells
Dashing through the bush,
in a rusty Holden Ute,
Kicking up the dust,
esky in the boot,
Kelpie by my side,
singing Christmas songs,
It's Summer time and I am in
my singlet, shorts and thongs
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut !,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.
Engine's getting hot;
we dodge the kangaroos,
The swaggie climbs aboard,
he is welcome too.
All the family's there,
sitting by the pool,
Christmas Day the Aussie way,
by the barbecue.
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute.
Come the afternoon,
Grandpa has a doze,
The kids and Uncle Bruce,
are swimming in their clothes.
The time comes 'round to go,
we take the family snap,
Pack the car and all shoot through,
before the washing up.
Oh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way,
Christmas in Australia on a scorching summers day, Hey!
Jingle bells, jingle bells, Christmas time is beaut!,
Oh what fun it is to ride in a rusty Holden Ute
Cat's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even a mouse.
'Cuzz the cat had pounced on him
And tore him apart -
Ate his mouse intestines
And chewed up his heart.
Kitty thought he heard sleighbells,
Which made him take pause -
He stopped daintily licking
The blood from his claws.
"Must be Santa," thought Kitty
(That quite clever cat)
'Cuz nobody else climbs down
The chimney like that.
Indeed it was ol' Santa
So jolly and fat
With a huge load of presents
And all for the cat!
"Wow, the best Christmas ever!"
Kitty thought with a purr,
Then he coughed up a hairball
And shed some more fur!
Winter Wonderland
Lacy things -- the wife is missin',
Didn't ask -- her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the store -- there's a teddy,
Little straps -- like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
In the office there's a guy named Melvin,
He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.
He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say,"Whoa, Man!"
"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"
Later on, if you wanna,
We can dress -- like Madonna,
Put on some eyeshade,
And join the parade,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Lacy things... missin',
Didn't ask... permission,
Wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear.
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear,
Walkin' 'round in women's underwear!
Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
The following are the lyrics from a jolly parody of Deck The Halls that the late Walt Kelly (of Pogo fame) wrote for his comic strip.
Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
Walla walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
Swaller dollar cauliflower alley'garoo!
Don't we know archaic barrel,
Lullaby lilla boy, Louisville Lou?
Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Polly welly cracker n' too-da-loo!
Donkey Bonny brays a carol,
Antelope Cantaloup, 'lope with you!
Hunky Dory's pop is lolly gaggin' on the wagon,
Willy, folly go through!
Chollie's collie barks at Barrow,
Harum scarum five alarum bung-a-loo!
Duck us all in bowls of barley,
Ninky dinky dink an' polly voo!
Chilly Filly's name is Chollie,
Chollie Filly's jolly chilly view halloo!
Bark us all bow-wows of folly,
Double-bubble, toyland trouble! Woof, Woof, Woof!
Tizzy seas on melon collie!
Dibble-dabble, scribble-scrabble! Goof, Goof, Goof!
Quick One-Liners #1
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
Answer: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Office Holiday Memo
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Quick One-Liners #2
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Answer: Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Quick One-Liners #3
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
Quick One-Liners #4
Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.
I know. I know. People say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!
Santa Claus sure is a jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!"
Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."
Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a clearance sale.
Quick One-Liners #5
Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.
Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.
Little Known Christmas Fact
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Santa Hates Your Kid
8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Christmas downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Santa's Pet Peeves
Department Store Santa Peeves
8. Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake on your breath and not gin.
7. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it.
6. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "Crime Watch"
5. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a swig from your hip flask
4. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Drama School
3. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
2. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
1. Two words: lap rash
Sick of the Holidays
Signs You're Sick of the Holidays
8. You've got red and green bags under your eyes
7. You're serving reindeer pot pie
6. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"
5. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers with your air gun
4. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.
3. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies
2. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears
1. Two words: tinsel rash
The politically correct Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
The Australian Christmas
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Never have a white Christmas
When you in Melbourne live
Wearing hot pants on the beach
When you your presents give
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Sweating his fat away
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Water-skis on his sleigh
Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk
Castles in the sand
Eating ice-cream, having good talks
Warm Christmas, isn't that grand?
-------------------
What do you get if you deep fry santa claus?
Crisp Cringle
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had low elf-esteem
What do u call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophic
What does a cat on the beach have in common with Christmas
Santy Claws.
What kind of bird can write?
A pen-guin
What do u get when u cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
What do u get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Crisp Cringle
What burns longer a red or green candle?
Neither- they both burn shorter.
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
frosted flakes
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho ho ho
What Christmas Carol is a favorite of parents?
Silent Night
What do elves learn in school?
the elf-a-bet
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L
-------
Billy Gates writes to Santa
Dear Santa,
How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the Christmas presents business business.
Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.
I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says "Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success, people still don't know much about your private life. It's just rumors. That's so neat.
I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would they buy the other guy's stuff?
Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway. You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.
What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. I admit, its why you're number one- who could compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world. You have to keep growing or fail.
Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give everybody at least one present at Christmas, then you could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they need to make it work.
Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys? Santa. I have one word for you--windows. Everybody has windows.
That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you--I make my own toys.
Best of luck,
Billy Gates
Italian Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin',
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin' reindeer!
Wit' slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me 'side da head.
"What da heck you doin'
Pullin' a gun on da Don?
Now all you're gettin' is coal,
You friggin' moron!"
Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin',
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
"Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!"
Knock Knock Christmas
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wenceslas
Wenceslas who ?
Wenceslas train home ?
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Snow
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Wayne
Wayne who ?
Wayne in a manger... !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Donut
Donut who ?
Donut open till Christmas !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Oakham
Oakham who ?
Oakham all ye faithfull... !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Avery
Avery who ?
Avery merry Christmas !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Holly
Holly who ?
Holly-days are here again !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Rudolph
Rudolph who ?
Money is the Rudolph of all evil !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Igloo
Igloo who ?
Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... !
Knock Knock
Who's there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas !
Short Christmas Jokes
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !
Short Snow Jokes
What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
What's an ig?
An eskimo's home without a loo!
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
Where do snowmen go to dance?
Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !
What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !
How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !
Short Reindeer Jokes
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ?
This one will sleigh you !
Why is a reindeer like a gossip ?
Because they are both tail bearers !
Why do reindeer wear fur coats ?
Because they would look silly in plastic macs !
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ?
Don't feed it !
Why did the reindeer wear black boots ?
Because his brown ones were all muddy !
How long should a reindeer's legs be ?
Just long enough to reach the ground !
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ?
Because he didn't want to be recognised !
Which reindeer have the shortest legs ?
The smallest ones !
Where do you find reindeer ?
It depends on where you leave them !
What do reindeer have that no other animals have ?
Baby reindeer !
Your father is drunk
To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Oh you better not shout, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why,
Daddy's home and I think he's drunk.
He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks,
I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks,
Daddy's home and boy is he drunk,
He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black
And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track.
Sooooooo....
You better not pout, you better not cry,
I don't like that look in his eye,
Daddy's home and I think he's....
Daddy's home and boy is he.......
Daddy's home and he's really drunk!
Twelve Days of Fast Food
On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.
On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese
Christmas downsizing
Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
The strange Christmas scene
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
A Martha Stewart Christmas
Dear Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't either."
Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!
That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.
This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha.
And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
You probably want to smack her yourself.
Lost X Files Christmas episode
Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone's been here?
Mulder: Someone or some thing.
Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.
Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."
Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father.
Scully: Impossible.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night.
Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
----------------
A parent's night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
-----------------
Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
Did Santa Give You That Present?
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's brain instead of on his back."
How To Be Annoying (A Guide)
Posted April 12th, 2007 by The Buffoon
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Set alarms for random times.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
Dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog."
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad."
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to "interface" with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- sWING-batter!"
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Write an over-the-top list of ways to annoy people.
CHANGING CHRISTMAS:
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s a “Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”, Cledus T. Judd “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CHANUKAH IS BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS
10. There’s no “Donny and Marie Chanukah Special.”
9. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There’s no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn’t sing Chanukah songs.
5. You won’t be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4. You won’t see, “You’re a Putz, Charlie Brown.”
3. No barking dog version of “I had a Little Driedl.”
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
and the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better than Christmas…
1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
John Lennon & Yoko Ono
So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
“Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and
earlier every year? For example, all those decorations up on
5th Avenue – those are for next year.” –Dave Letterman
—
“I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake
though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don’t
think I need that.” –Jay Leno
—
Isn’t it ironic that two of the most popular Christmas songs
were written by Jews. Mel Torme’s “Christmas Song” and
Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”.
—
Twas the month before Christmas when all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying nor taking a stand.
Why the PC Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas – no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people’s feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a ” Holiday “.
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets are hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe’s the word Christmas – was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny’s and Sears
You won’t hear the word Christmas; it won’t touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-is-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton !
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate “Winter Break” under your “Dream Tree”
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !
Do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don’t you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.
Rule #7:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)
Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.
Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. (“From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.”)
Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
Rule #12:
Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #13:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.
---------------------
2
Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, “Well Johnny, it isn’t Christmas and we don’t have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.” After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Little Johnny
Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (Brat).
So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly,
Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn’t totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus,
I’ve thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a new bicycle?
Signed,
Little Johnny
Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter and threw it in the trash can and went running outside.
He aimlessly wandered about; depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church.
Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under his bed and wrote this letter.
Jesus,
I’ve broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in school, tore up my sister’s Barbie doll and lots more. I’m desperate. I’ve got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.
Signed,
You know who
I think Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
– Men can’t pack a bag.
– Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
– Men don’t answer their mail.
– Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
– Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
– Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
– Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
1. Santa’s Workload
There are two billion children in the world, but since Santa doesn’t appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Budist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total, or 300 million. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 85.7 million homes. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different times zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming he travels East to West. This works out to 767.9 visits per second. So for each household with good children, Santa has about 1/1,000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the presents, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, into the sleigh and move on to the next house.”
2. The Time/Distance Factor
Assuming that these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the Earth, we’re talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles.
3. Calculation of Estimated Speed
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound.
4. Santa’s Payload
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a mdeium-size Lego set (about two pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as “heavy.” On land, normal reindeer could pull no more than 300 pounds, and even granting that flying reindeer could pull 10 times the normal amount, Santa’s going to need 214,200 reindeer to pull his sleigh. This increases the payload to 353,430 tons, or four times the weight of the “Queen Elizabeth.”
Conclusion:
A craft of 353,000 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second, creates enormous air resistance. This will heat up Mr. Claus and his sleigh like a spacecraft reentering Earth’s atmosphere.
Translation:
If there is a Santa, he’s toast.
T’was the week before Christmas and all through the school Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule. The children were busy with paper and paste; The mess that they made with it couldn’t be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears, Had just settled down to work with her dears, When out in the hall there arose such a clatter up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash; The one who was leading went down with a crash. Then what to their wondering eyes did appear But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick. She knew in a moment it must be (the janator) Old Nick! She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain) But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;
”Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry! Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry! Now get to your places get away from the hall Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by. They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle; Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string -Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing). As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout; The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot; The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it. Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing! The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask; It was plain that she didn’t feel up to her task. The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer, But the children ignored it; they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead. She spoke not a word but went straight to her work, Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree; Then came the bell and the children were free! Their shrill little voices soon faded away And peace was restored at the end of the day. As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall, She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.”
The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that you have vacancies.”
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, “You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town…”
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, “I’ll have you know I converted to your religion.”
The desk clerk said, “Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?”
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.”
”Very good,” replied the hotel clerk. “Tell me more.”
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, “He was born in a manger.”
”That’s right,” said the hotel clerk. “And why was he born in a manger?”
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, “Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn’t give a Jewish lady a room for the night!”
Name that Christmas Carol
Q: Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
A: Go, Tell It on the Mountain
Q: The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
A: Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
Q: Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
A: What Child is This?
Q: Delight for this Planet
A: Joy to the World
Q: Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
A: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Q: The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
A: The Twelve Days of Christmas
Name That Christmas Carol!
Q: Array the Corridor
A: Deck the Hall
Q: Bantam Male Percussionist
A: Little Drummer Boy
Q: Monarchial Triad
A: We Three Kings
Q: Nocturnal Noiselessness
A: Silent Night
Q: Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
A: God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
Q: Red Man En Route to Borough
A: Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Q: Frozen Precipitation Commence
A: Let it Snot
A REDNECK CHRISTMAS
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin’, cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin’, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I’s on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny’s transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin’.
Muh daughter weren’t home yet, she wuz still out parkin’.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin’ sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin’ and sick
I said “Shoot Fire!” That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called ‘em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole’ Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning’s hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he’d picked up in ‘Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain’t seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid’s stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren’t very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can’t beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
“Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!”
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
“MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!”
YEE HAWWWW!
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m
chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s
decorated or not!”
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns were gathered around
her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip, so a nun went to the
kitchen to warm some milk. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as
a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.
Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it,
she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother, Mother”
the nuns cried, “Give us some wisdom before you die!” She raised
herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the
window she said, “Don’t sell that cow!!!”
HANUKAH SONGS THAT NEVER QUITE CAUGHT ON
- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah – The Megamix
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already … Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky
- Jumpin’ around the Chanukah bush
TWAS ASSEMBLY BEFORE CHRISTMAS
‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie’s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat….
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
“Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
“Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With “assembly required” till morning’s first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!”
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there’s something to say for those self-deluded;
I’d forgotten that batteries are never included!
When four of Santa’s elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles
15. “Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street — A Times Square Christmas”
14. Spike Lee’s “Get On the Sleigh”
13. Van Damme IS “Santa Claude”
12. Michael Jackson stars in “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas”
11. “The Deep II — A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted”
10. “There’s No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown”
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in “Naked Buns II”
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in “Grumpy Old Elves”
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in “Reindeer Man” (“Of course, I’d be an excellent President.”)
6. “It’s a Wonderful Life, My Ass — Pass the Malt Liquor”
5. Steven Segal IS “MissleToe”
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in “Ho, Ho, Ho!”
3. He’s got a red nose and an Uzi. And he’s about to teach them some “new” reindeer games in “Rudolph II — First Blood”
2. “Blazing Saddles 2 — How the Stench Stole Christmas”
1. “No, YOU Open It!” — ‘A Ted Kaczynski Christmas’
Twas the night before Christmas”
(Politically Correct)
‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck.
How to live in a world – that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to Elves,
Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and that looked darned stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E. P. A.
And people had started to ring for the cops
When they heard loud noises upon their rooftops.
Secondhand smoke from his pipe had workers all frightened.
His fur-trimmed red suit was judged `Unenlightened’.
And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the whole nation,
Demanding millions of bucks for `just’ compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt
Besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passé
And Nintendo would rot your poor brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue.
Everyone, everywhere-even you.
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth.
May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned, and cuddled my
two children on demand, visited their doctor’s office more than my
doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant
a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to
attach nine patches onto my daughter’s girl scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who
knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes: I’d like a pair of legs that don’t
ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don’t flap in the breeze, but
are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I’d also like a waist, since I lost
mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I’d like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing
talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment
behind the crisper where I can hide when I want to talk on the
phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that
says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don’t fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, “Don’t eat
in the living room”, “Take your shoes off the couch,” and ‘Take
your hands off your brother/sister,” because my voice seems to be
just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by
the dog.
And please don’t forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet
making the In-laws’ house seem just like mine.
If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same
morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature
without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don’t mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to
declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to
help around the house without demanding payment as if they were
the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn’t
look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in
his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my
feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the
chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don’t catch
cold. Help yourself to cookies and trifle on the table, but don’t eat too
much or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always,
Mom
PS One more thing…you can cancel all my requests if you can keep
my children young enough to believe in you.
It was the day after Christmas. The pastor of a church was looking
over their Nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was
missing from among the figures.
Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with
a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant,
Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him,
my fine friend?”
The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”
“And why did you take him?”
The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to
the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red
wagon for Christmas, I would give him the first ride in it.”
CAJUN 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Day 1 Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las
night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree
would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2 Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got
was 2 scrawny pigeon.
Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3 Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of
eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to
Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog,
Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting
rooster.
Day 4 Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez
four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all
da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the
rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5 Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden
rings, me. I hocked dem at da’ pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough
money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys
at the Raisin’ Cane Lounge.
Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6 Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor
egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat
they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm
good at eating cockroach around da’ house, though. I may stuff one ah
dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.
Day 7 Dear Emile, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you.
Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all
dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat
stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou
and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da
water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8 Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat
to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got
spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like
dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and
sweeping my shack–but dey say it wasn’t in their contract. They
probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.
Day 9 Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da
Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping
across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and
crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well la di da. You
get Chicory coffee or nuthin.” Mon Dieux, Emile, what I’m gonna feed all
these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my
turnip green.
Day 10 Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don’t
kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon
Street. Dey said they be ladies dancing” but they doan act like ladies
in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them
got bit by a water moccasin over by my out- house. I had to butcher 2
cows to feed toute le monde (everybody)
and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enough for
dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
Day 11 Dear Emile, Where Y’at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers
Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got
off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished da
whiskey, and we’re having a fais-do-do. Da’ new mailman drank a bottle
of Jack Daniel, and he’s having a good old time dancing with the
floozies. Da’ old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge
yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a
mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don’t open it.
Day 12 Dear Emile, Me I’m sorry to tell you–but I am not your true love
anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the head
piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen’s club on the
bayou. The floozies–pardon me–ladies dancing can make $20 for a table
dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since
da’ maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps,
watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We’ll probably gross
a million dollars next year.
12 Days of Christmas in New York
Twas the night before Christmas, an all through the block,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Kotch.
The stockings were hung, by the furnace with care.
In hopes that by morning, they’d all still be there.
Me an this skank, were just getting ready for bed.
I wore pajamas, she had a paper bag for her head.
When up on the roof, I heard a big crash,
I thought it was a burglar, I was gonna kick ass!
I went out on the fire escape, looked up in the sky,
An what did I see, but this freakin’ fat guy!
With a red suit and boots, that came up to his knees,
In the moonlight he looked, just like Dom DeLouise.
He had a big sled, being pulled by reindeer.
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept off the roof, it became clear to me,
That this guy was lookin, to steal my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack.
He came down the stairs, while I planned my attack.
I waited a second, till the time it seemed ripe.
Bopped him on the head, * botta bing * with a pipe!
He fell to the floor, with a groan and a thud.
I was kinda surprised, that I didn’t see blood.
Instead he rolled over, looked me in the eye.
When I saw who I’d hit, I near started to cry.
I said “Hey ‘yo Santa, I’m sorry all right?”
“Not for nuttin” he said, “but this just ain’t my night!”
“I got lost in the Bronx, ran over some Nuns.”
“Had a near miss by Kennedy, Rudolf’s got the runs…”
“I’m out all freakin’ night, I’m bustin’ my hump.”
“But I can’t finish now, not with this lump!”
“So do me a favor, and be a real pal.”
“Take over for me…be Santa, Sal.”
I say ‘Yo! I’m from Brooklyn, I ain’t right for the part.
But he says that Santa Claus, comes from the heart.
He made me a offer, I couldn’t refuse.
Stop at every house….and this will you amuse.
I got into the suit, jumped onto the sleigh,
Wondering just why it was, reindeer smelled that way.
Took off on my mission, didn’t want to be late.
While old Nick spent the night, hosin’ my date.
That night I was Santa, bringing kids joy and bliss.
And if you don’t believe that…hey, jingle dis!
Since then I been with him, each year in the cold.
Riding shotgun with Santa, ’cause he’s fat, and he’s old.
I’m his number one helper, I been deputized.
So on this Christmas Eve, don’t you be surprised.
If you hear a voice say, real loud and abrupt.
“Merry Christmas to all, thanks alot…eh – shutup!”
(old one had Ed as Mayor)
A Tale of Two Christmases
by Jim Smith
It is the worst of times. It is the best of times.
The Christmas you have depends upon you.
May you be blessed to follow the Light and choose the right.
A Christmas Poem
C is for Credit Cards that make buying a breeze.
H is for your Headache when your cards are seized.
R is for Remembering everyone on your list.
I is for feeling Insulted when your gifts are dissed.
S is for feeling Stressed when you’re on the fly.
T is for the Truckloads of presents that you buy.
M is for your Massive debt that soars into the sky.
A is for the Awful feeling that you’ve gone astray.
S is for your Sorrow and the tears you’ll shed today.
The True Christmas Poem
C is for the Christ child lying in a manager.
H is for the Holy One who saved us all from danger.
R is to Remember Him who died that we may live.
I is to Inspire us that we may always give.
S is for joyful Songs and sacred hymns that praise.
T is to Thank the Lord for showing us the way.
M is for the Miracles that bless us each day.
A is for the Almighty who always puts us first.
S is for the Shepherd who guides us on earth
Dear Friend,
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been very good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can’t read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.
This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.
Sincerely, Santa Claus
Tonight’s my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I’m guarding the stockin’s and tree.
What’s that now – footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who’s this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard,
And a big sack for robbin’ the house?
I’m barkin’, I’m growlin’, I’m bitin’ his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air,
I’ve frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again,
The stockin’s are safe as can be.
Won’t the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow,
And see how I’ve guarded the tree?!
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because
it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As
soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, “Look!
The big red one! Isn’t he someone famous?
Santa thought, “Gee, I’ll never get any rest if people star asking
to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want.” So he
decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete
with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. “No one will know me now, I look
just like everyone else!” he thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to
point and say, “Look! It’s that famous Christmas personality!”
Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
“It’s my beard!” he thought. “They recognize me because of my long
white beard!” So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard
shaved off. “I really look like everybody else now!” Santa thought.
So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face.
Suddenly a man shouted, “It’s him! It’s him! Look everybody!”
Santa couldn’t believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize
him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, “How did you
recognize me?”
The man looked at Santa and said, “You? I don’t know you, but
isn’t that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you
Rudolph?”
1
Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best
wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low
stress, non addictive, and gender neutral celebration of the winter
solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions
of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for
the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
or for their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all) and further for a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated onset of the generally
accepted calendar year (including, but not limited to, the
Christian calendar, but not without due respect for the calendars
of choice of other cultures).
The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of
computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).
Now go forth and Enjoy!
Merry Christmas Everyone!
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees traveling on official business. These policies are effective
immediately.
TRANSPORTATION
Hitch-hiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips. Should hitch-hiking prove fruitless, bus
travel may be utilized if absolutely necessary. Airline tickets will be
authorized for purchase only under extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but a lower
fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be
substituted for travel to Seattle.
Car rental fees are going up all the time, and are to be avoided. As a
substitute for these charges, we recommend car-sharing. Simply turn your issued
luminescent safety vest inside out, and you will notice that it now says “VALET
PARKING ATTENDANT” over the left breast pocket. After arriving at your
destination, stand at the curb in front of the airport departure terminal.
Studies have shown that within 10 minutes someone will hand you the keys to
their car, which they are unlikely to need again for three to five days. Our
operations research people say that a ten minute delay compares favorably with
the average rental car checkout queue, and that 80 to 90% of our corporate
travel is completed within the three to five day window during which the car is
available. Members of the sales team may be able to use their skills to obtain
advance payment of the parking fees and apply the money toward gasoline if the
vehicle is insufficiently fueled at acquisition. Car sharing has
the added advantage of avoiding extensive car return formalities once your
business is complete. Merely leave the car in the terminal loading zone, and the
airport police will see that it gets back to the owner.
LODGING
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on
company business. If such accommodation is unavailable at a particular
destination, public areas such as parks and parking lots may be used as
temporary lodging. In inclement weather, a bridge or large cardboard box can
serve as a useful shelter. For those of you who are sports-minded and traveling
to rainy areas, a scuba suit may prove to be a cost-effective alternative to an
overpriced Motel 6.
MEALS
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery chains such as Piggly Wiggly, Fresh Fields, and Price
Club often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may often be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous
roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. For a
small fee, Personnel will be pleased to provide you with the latest U.S. Army
survival handbook, which includes comprehensive information on nutritious
vegetation and other al fresco dining opportunities such as squirrels, insects,
and small reptiles. Restaurants are not to be utilized unless snow cover renders
foraging impractical. In such cases, employees are directed to locate
establishments featuring “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially cost
effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate can be used to
feed the entire group. As an alternative to
obtaining food at your destination, canned tuna, spam, pork-n-beans, and
beefaroni are light, easy to pack, and may be consumed at your leisure with the
unnecessary bother of heating or other preparation. Don’t forget to take an
opener, as the company dental plan does not cover damage caused by gnawing on
sheet metal. As partial compensation for being obliged to travel over
Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s Day, employees assigned trips during
holiday periods will normally be able to obtain a free meal from the local
Salvation Army facility. Directions may be obtained from the local police (911
is a free call from any pay phone) or your fellow park residents. (See
“Lodging”, above.)
ENTERTAINMENT
Entertainment while on travel is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances
are required during customer contacts, the customer should be encouraged to pick
up the tab. Such action will save the company money and convince the customer
that we are concerned about spending money on a good product, not on useless
frivolities.
The hospitality provided to customers who visit our facilities should also be
tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench
will be placed in the parking lot next to the dumpster. The Chikn-Quik on the
west side of our building has a take-out window that provides excellent service,
and is offering a 20% discount until the Health Department allows our company
cafeteria to reopen. A garden hose will be made available so that liquid
refreshment can be provided for our guests.
MISCELLANEOUS
All employees are encouraged to apply innovative techniques in our team effort
to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested
that travel costs could be defrayed through the generation of revenue during
normally unproductive airport layover time. In support of this idea, red caps
and jackets will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may
earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods.
Small plastic roses will also be furnished for travelers, and should be offered
for sale as time permits.
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing
would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste, At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared, The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared.
The latte’s and snacks, the bread and the cheese, And the way I’d
never said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt, And prepared once
again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit
cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, ‘Till all the
additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I’ll munch on a
carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore, But isn’t that what
January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
It’s one day after Christmas
I’m crabby and I’m broke.
I’m so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I’m gonna croak.
It’s nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they’ll leave.
They’ve been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.
They’re eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.
The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can’t find the cat.
It’s Christmas time at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.
Now they’re in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They’re fighting over boxes
’cause they’re bored with all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.
The Night Before Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.
My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry–
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve… ’til I take that first bite!
WE KNOW YOUR FROM TENNESSEE FOR CHRISTMAS IF
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
3. You use “fix” as a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store
4. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.
5. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both
unlocked.
6. You know what a “VOL” is.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car…for your OWN car.
11. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday
12. You find 100 degrees fahrenheit “a little warm”.
13. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer
and
Christmas.
14. You know whether another Tennessean is from east, west or middle
Tennessee as soon as they open their mouth.
15. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as”goin’ Wal-
martin” or
off to “Wally World”.
16. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good
pinto-bean
weather.
17. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop…it’s a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”
18. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
19. You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from
Tennessee (and those who just wish they were).
Dog Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.
At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try
another cup .. just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor…
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers
just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Samp! le! the Cuervo to check for tonsist icity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo
and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY
I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food police come out
with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the
holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can’t pick up a magazine without
finding a list of holiday eating do’s and don’ts. Eliminate second
helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say.
Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite
childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn’t think so. Isn’t mine,
either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list
of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you’ll
be fat and happy. So what if you don’t make it to New Year’s? Your pants
won’t fit anymore, anyway.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if
you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving
rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to
turn into an egg- nogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of
gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it
with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.
Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! January is just around the corner
Scrooge was sitting in his office the week before Christmas. He was
counting his money, making sure he had made enough profit for the year.
Suddenly, he became aware of an irritating noise. He could not
concentrate on anything else. He realized the sound was coming from under
his desk. Looking under the desk, he was surprised to see Jiminy Cricket,
playing a tune. He crouched down, and said “Jiminy, What are you doing?”
“I’m singing you a Christmas carol,” Jiminy replied, “but I’ve forgotten
the words, so I’m just humming it instead.” “That’s not all,” said
Scrooge. “You’re only playing the first bar, over and over again.”
“Well,” says Jiminy, “I guess that makes me a bar hum bug.”
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah’s parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn’t like it
when children fight. This had little impact.
“I’ll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior,” the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah’s
eyes grew big as her mother asked “Mrs. Claus” (really
Sarah’s aunt; Santa’s real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah’s mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah’s uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa’s remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, “What did Santa say to you, dear?”
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, “Santa said he won’t be bringing toys to my sister
this year.”
NO CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!!!! FUNNY!!!
Christmas Story
“Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works !
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days–they all are the pits
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of you yo yo’s–No request for them! ,
They want computers and robots..they think–I’m IBM !
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimney’s and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment
I”ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There’s no Christmas this year, now you know the reason,
I found me a redhead.
I’m going SOUTH for the season!
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ~ WOMAN’S VIEW
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I’ve been here for hours; I can’t stop to rest.
This room’s a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered; I’ve got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There’s a knock at the door and the telephones ringing
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I’ve had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!”
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says “What’s taking so long, aren’t you through in here yet??”
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!!”
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it’s the pies!! They’re burned all to hell
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.
Lord, don’t get me wrong; I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You wont find me pulling my hair out in here.
I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn’t work, I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
Christmas Holiday Quiz
answers are at the end of the quiz.
1. What is the biggest selling Christmas single of all time?
2. What was Scrooge’s first name?
3. What carol contains the line “O tidings of comfort and joy”?
4. Name the three reindeer whose names begin with a “D”?
5. In what city did Miracle on 34th Street take place?
6. In The Night Before Christmas, where were the stockings hung?
7. What color is the Grinch?
8. In the movie The Santa Clause, who starred as the substitute Santa
Claus?
9. What holiday drink contains sugar, milk, and eggs?
10. What popular bite-sized chocolate candy comes wrapped in red
and green foil at Christmas?
11. What one reindeer is never mentioned in “The Night Before
Christmas”?
12. Name the two reindeer whose name begins with a “C”?
13. What carol contains the word “Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la”?
14. What glittery bits of metal are hung on a Christmas tree?
15. What were Frosty’s last words?
16. On what street did a Santa Claus miracle occur?
17. Counting Rudolph, how many reindeer are there?
18. What did Rudolph never get to join in?
19. What three characters sing “The Chipmunk Song”?
20. Traditionally, does the oldest or youngest family member open
the first present?
21. What holiday film annually appears on television more than 300 times?
22. What is Frosty’s nose made of?
23. What country started the tradition of exchanging gifts?
24. Name the reindeer whose name begins with a “B”?
25. Visions of what dance in children’s heads?
26. How many times is the name of Santa Claus used in “The Night
Before Christmas”?
27. What is the most popular tree topper?
28. What snack is often left out for Santa?
29. What cola company was known for its ads featuring a big, smiling
Santa?
30. What men’s grooming appliance became a sled for Santa in
commercials of the sixties?
31. What do most elves wear on the tips of their shoes?
32. After red and green, what are the two most popular Christmas
colors?
33. What two words are normally pre-printed on gift tags?
34. Where was Mommy when she was kissing Santa Claus?
35. Where did Santa land his sleigh in “The Night Before Christmas”?
36. What is the name of the first reindeer Santa calls in The Night
Before Christmas?
Answers:
1.”White Christmas”
2.Ebenezer
3. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”
4. Dasher, Donder, Dancer
5. New York
6. By the chimney
7. Green
8. Tim Allen
9. Eggnog
10. Hershey’s Kisses
11. Rudolph
12. Comet and Cupid
13. “Deck the Halls”
14. Tinsel
15. “I’ll be back again someday”
16.34th
17. Nine
18. Reindeer games
19. Alvin, Theodore, and Simon
20. The youngest child
21. It’s a Wonderful Life
22. A button
23. Italy
24. Blitzen
25. Sugarplums
26. None
27. Angel
28. Cookies
29. Coca-Cola
30. Norelco Electric Shaver
31. Bells
32. Silver and gold
33. To, From
34. Underneath the mistletoe
35. Upon the roof
36. Dasher
Funny Christmas Quotes – Shirley Temple Quotes – Christmas Jokes
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
- Shirley Temple
Merry Christmas From Around The World
How Merry Christmas is said in many languages around the world
Afrikaans: Gesëende Kersfees
Afrikander: Een Plesierige Kerfees
African/ Eritrean/ Tigrinja: Rehus-Beal-Ledeats
Albanian:Gezur Krislinjden
Arabic: Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Argentine: Feliz Navidad
Armenian: Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Azeri: Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Bahasa Malaysia: Selamat Hari Natal
Basque: Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!
Bengali: Shuvo Naba Barsha
Bohemian: Vesele Vanoce
Brazilian: Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo
Breton: Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat
Bulgarian: Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo
Catalan: Bon Nadal i un Bon Any Nou!
Chile: Feliz Navidad
Chinese: (Cantonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan’Gung Haw Sun
Chinese: (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan
Choctaw: Yukpa, Nitak Hollo Chito
Columbia: Feliz Navidad y Próspero Año Nuevo
Cornish: Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth
Corsian: Pace e salute
Crazanian: Rot Yikji Dol La Roo
Cree: Mitho Makosi Kesikansi
Croatian: Sretan Bozic
Czech: Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Danish: Glædelig Jul
Duri: Christmas-e- Shoma Mobarak
Dutch: Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!
or Zalig Kerstfeast
English: Merry Christmas
Eskimo: (inupik) Jutdlime pivdluarit ukiortame pivdluaritlo!
Esperanto: Gajan Kristnaskon
Estonian: Ruumsaid juulup|hi
Faeroese: Gledhilig jol og eydnurikt nyggjar!
Farsi: Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad
Finnish: Hyvaa joulua
Flemish: Zalig Kerstfeest en Gelukkig nieuw jaar
French: Joyeux Noel
Frisian: Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!
Galician: Bo Nada
Gaelic: Nollaig chridheil agus Bliadhna mhath ùr!
German: Froehliche Weihnachten
Greek: Kala Christouyenna!
Hausa: Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara!
Hawaiian: Mele Kalikimaka
Hebrew: Mo’adim Lesimkha. Chena tova
Hindi: Shub Naya Baras
Hausa: Barka da Kirsimatikuma Barka da Sabuwar Shekara!
Hawaian: Mele Kalikimaka ame Hauoli Makahiki Hou!
Hungarian: Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket
Icelandic: Gledileg Jol
Indonesian: Selamat Hari Natal
Iraqi: Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah
Irish: Nollaig Shona Dhuit, or Nodlaig mhaith chugnat
Iroquois: Ojenyunyat Sungwiyadeson honungradon nagwutut. Ojenyunyat osrasay.
Italian: Buone Feste Natalizie
Japanese: Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
Jiberish: Mithag Crithagsigathmithags
Korean: Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Latin: Natale hilare et Annum Faustum!
Latvian: Prieci’gus Ziemsve’tkus un Laimi’gu Jauno Gadu!
Lausitzian:Wjesole hody a strowe nowe leto
Lettish: Priecigus Ziemassvetkus
Lithuanian: Linksmu Kaledu
Low Saxon: Heughliche Winachten un ‘n moi Nijaar
Macedonian: Sreken Bozhik
Maltese: LL Milied Lt-tajjeb
Manx: Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa
Maori: Meri Kirihimete
Marathi: Shub Naya Varsh
Navajo: Merry Keshmish
Norwegian: God Jul, or Gledelig Jul
Occitan: Pulit nadal e bona annado
Papiamento: Bon Pasco
Papua New Guinea: Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu
Pennsylvania German: En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr!
Peru: Feliz Navidad y un Venturoso Año Nuevo
Philipines: Maligayan Pasko!
Polish: Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia or Boze Narodzenie
Portuguese:Feliz Natal
Pushto: Christmas Aao Ne-way Kaal Mo Mobarak Sha
Rapa-Nui (Easter Island): Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Rhetian: Bellas festas da nadal e bun onn
Romanche: (sursilvan dialect): Legreivlas fiastas da Nadal e bien niev onn!
Rumanian: Sarbatori vesele
Russian: Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom
Sami: Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan: La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Sardinian: Bonu nadale e prosperu annu nou
Serbian: Hristos se rodi
Slovakian: Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce
Sami: Buorrit Juovllat
Samoan: La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Scots Gaelic: Nollaig chridheil huibh
Serb-Croatian: Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
Serbian: Hristos se rodi. Singhalese: Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Slovak: Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
Slovene: Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
Spanish: Feliz Navidad
Swedish: God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År
Tagalog: Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Tami: Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal
Trukeese: (Micronesian) Neekiriisimas annim oo iyer seefe feyiyeech!
Thai: Sawadee Pee Mai
Turkish: Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun
Ukrainian: Srozhdestvom Kristovym
Urdu: Naya Saal Mubarak Ho
Vietnamese: Chung Mung Giang Sinh
Welsh: Nadolig Llawen
Yugoslavian: Cestitamo Bozic
Yoruba: E ku odun, e ku iye’dun!
Christmas Jokes – Cats’ Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
Christmas Survival Quiz
In this holiday season, the presents are under the tree, the good feelings are flowing… then the criminals kick into high gear and you have to see your family. Every bit of good is offset with a little bit of bad. Can you thrive and survive this holiday season? Take this quiz and find out.PART I: THE NIGHT BEFORE X-MAS1: When up on the roof there arises such a clatter, you…
A. Jump out of bed shouting “Santa’s here!”
B. Jump out of bed shouting “What the %&!@ was that?!”
C. Grab a shotgun and start firing toward the sound of footsteps.
2: Finish this famous line from a X-mas tradition: “On…”
A. “a gada da vida.”
B. “top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese…”
C. “Cupid, on Comet, on Donder and Blitzen!”
3: By the way, what is a Blitzen?
A. An incredible drink with five kinds of rum.
B. Isn’t it that thing they serve with jam at a deli?
C. A reindeer, stupid!
4: If a fat man in a red suit gives you a wink and twists his head, this means…
A. He’s Santa!
B. He’s got a facial tick!
C. He’s gonna show you the candy cane he’s got hidden in his pants!
5: How do you answer when the kids ask you when Santa will come?
A. About thirty minutes after Mrs. Claus says she’s in the mood.
B. Ever since he got hired by Microsoft… Easter.
C. When all the little boys and girls are asleep.
PART II: A FAMILY KIND OF X-MAS6: It’s December 23 and you finally realize you’d better buy some gifts. What do you do?
A. Rush to the mall. Since everyone else shopped early it should be fairly empty, right?
B. Rush to McDonalds and buy every book of gift certificates they have.
C. Rush to the liquor store. You can’t go wrong with vodka!
7: If you want to have a peaceful visit, the best topic to discuss with Dad is…
A. Why you don’t believe in God anymore.
B. Politics.
C. The weather.
8: When Mom starts asking those questions you really don’t want to answer, you…
A. Turn red, start shouting, and leave the house in a huff.
B. Say “oh look, an elf” and hide while she’s distracted.
C. Lie and hope she’s had so much spiked eggnog that she won’t remember a thing in the morning.
9: The family’s singing “Deck The Halls.” When you get to “Don we now our gay apparel,” your bachelor uncle starts crying, then admits that for the past seventeen years he’s been secretly living with someone named Don who is all alone tonight. You…
A. Tell him to invite Don over to join in the festivities.
B. Try to protect him from your father who is loudly pronouncing that God will punish him!
C. Start a fire in the kitchen to take everyone’s mind off it.
10: The videotape to rent for the big family get-together this X-mas is…
A. It’s A Wonderful Life… because they expect it.
B. It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown… because it’s the only video left in the store.
C. ID4… because all the kids will side with you and the adults will give in rather than hear them whine.
SCORING THE QUIZ:As always, the scoring is simple. 1 point for every A, 3 for every B, and 5 for every C. Tally up your points and consult the chart below.10-22 Points:
In the words of Mr. T., “I pity the fool” who gets this score. You’re in for a bad X-mas. We’re talking a riding in the black van in “Twister” kind of X-mas. Then again, X-mas is supposed to be the time for miracles, but I wouldn’t count on it.
24-38 Points:
You remember question #6? Read answer C, then buy yourself a gift too. You’re going to need it.
40-50 Points:
You’re at or close to the right mixture of distrust and dishonesty that will help you have a safe and sane X-mas. Just remember this final simple rule to help you get through it… It’s not the gift itself that counts, but whether or not they kept the receipt
Christmas Jokes – 12 Redneck Days of Christmas
12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT
Hi Erma,
This perfectly delightful note is being sent on paper I made myself to tell you what I have been up to. Since it snowed last night, I got up early and made a sled with old barn wood and a glue gun. I hand painted it in gold leaf, got out my loom and made a blanket in peaches and mauves.
Then, to make the sled complete, I made a white horse to pull it from DNA that I had just sitting around in my craft room. By then, it was time to start making the place mats and napkins for my 20 breakfast guests. I'm serving the old standard Stewart twelve-course breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I didn't have time to make the tables and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand.
Before I moved the table into the dining room I decided to add just a touch of the holidays. So I repainted the room in pinks and stenciled gold stars on the ceiling.
While the homemade bread was rising, I took antique candle molds and made the dishes (exactly the same shade of pink) to use for breakfast. These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get at almost any Hungarian craft store.
Well, I must run. I need to finish the hand-sewn buttonholes on the dress I'm wearing for breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post office as soon as the glue dries on the envelope I'll be making.
Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long. I have 40,000 cranberries to string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a goodthing.
Love, Martha
P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8-inch gold gauze. I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries which I grew, picked, and crushed last week just for fun.
Response from Erma Bombeck
Dear Martha:
I'm writing this on the back of an old shopping list. Pay no attention to the coffee and jelly stains. I'm 20 minutes late getting my daughter off for school, packing a lunch with one hand-on the phone with the dog pound, seems old Ruff needs bailing out again. Burnt my arm on the curling iron when I was trying to make those cute curly fries, how DO they do that? Still can't find the scissors to cut out some snowflakes, tried using an old disposable razor . . . trashed the tablecloth. Tried that cranberry thing; frozen cranberries mushed up after I defrosted them in the microwave. Oh, and don't use Fruity Pebbles as a substitute in that Rice Krispies snowball recipe unless you like food that resembles puke! Smoke alarm is going off, talk to ya later.
Love, Erma
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion Of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
LETTER FROM A FARM KID-
Now at Camp Pendleton, San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
Military Control Tower
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Little Johnny In Church
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Little Johnny."
"Good morning, Father," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father Scott, what is this?" Little Johnny asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Difficulty in Communication
The General was ordered by the Secretary of Defense to gather his officers from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force and try and figure out why there's so much difficulty in communicating with each other.
The General gathers his Captains (and his Navy Lieutenant), and tells them their first task is to “secure” a particular building. He orders them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the plan and bring them back to him the next morning.
The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
Tell those swabs to:
-- Unplug the coffeepots
-- Turn off the computers
-- Turn out the lights
-- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied
The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
-- Assemble the company
-- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
-- Take control of all exits
-- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass
The Marine Corps Captain writes down her steps on palm of her hand:
-- Assemble the platoon and supplies
-- Approach the building along three axes
-- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
-- Assault the building under covering fire
-- Sequester surviving prisoners
-- Establish lanes of fire
-- Prepare artillery calls
-- Repel counterattacks
The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
-- Contact real estate agent
-- Negotiate 1-year lease
-- Be sure to get option to buy
A new soldier was on sentry duty
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car
was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you
try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do
I shoot you or the driver?”
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
MORE VIDEOS...
The Purpose (Get Up Weary Soldier)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaRI0VSyjps
UK:Band of Brothers - Main Title 'Requiem for a Soldier' Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfVELFsb96Q
The main theme to the HBO series Band of Brothers - Requiem for a Soldier - sung by Katherine Jenkins on 10th November 2007 at the UK's Royal British Legion Festival, an annual event held at London's Albert Hall commemorating those who have served in the armed forces & who have given their lives for our liberty. Taken from a live BBC1 broadcast.
comment:
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
comment:
Lets not forget all who gave up their tomorrows for our today....and to all the men who died on the beaches of france....Utah, Omaha, Juno, Gold, and Sword, on that fateful day of June 6, 1944.
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Heaven was needing a hero (Hommage Canadien 2012 Canadian Tribute)-Jo Dee Messina
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAQzp3mOBgw
Un montage de photos en hommage à nos Soldats Canadiens décédé en service pour défendre notre pays et notre liberté.
A photos montage tribute to our Canadian Fallen Soldiers who died while serving our country and protect our freedom.
Merci à vous.
Thanks to you.
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UK: 'We Will Remember Them'. A Tribute For Fallen Troops. CD / DVD Out Now (our Michael Bolton... and treasures supporting UK)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ektQbe-dOU
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I'd prefer to be a poster girl- on the wrong side of the world....... because I wish the wrong side of the world had our rights......THE FIGHT FOR FREEDOM- THIS SONG IS THE VERA LYNN SONG OF WWII- WWII- Uncle Harold said freedom is worth fighting 4 ... if necessary dying r- and all people whould be able 2 wear the cloak of freedom... 2 the children, women, elders, disabled, poorest of the poor...
Aussie Digger Tribute : POSTER GIRL (this beautiful brave song and words- fit all Nato troops..... God bless u all)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqPUxSeddCw
Just a small tribute to the men and women that are serving and defending our great country.
Song: 'Poster Girl' by Beccy Cole
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CANADA : 11,000 Canadians buy the white Poppy- 18 million Canadians buy our Red Poppy of Respect 4 our freedoms- ok with that- but do NOT diss troops on Nov. 11- we will getcha - and it won't be the troops - u interfere with 35.5 million Canadians quietly honouring our troops- our Military, Militia, Reservists and Rangers - who have died 4 the freedoms we live on in Canada- we will hunt u down... we will find u... we will post ur names on a wall of shame 2 circulate around the world. Canadians are tired of our children wearing our Canadian flags dying, wounded, suicides over freedoms in lands that are just horrific 4 women and children.... and the troops walk that talk each and every day... don't u dare burn our flag... or diss our Canada- we would never 4give u... instead 4 peace serve at food banks... give blankets and clothes 2 the homeless.... take care of stray animals... help children of Canada who can't afford books and sneakers; give 2 the
Red Cross- blood donations; clean our highways, help pack food at food banks -homeless centres, volunteer 2 read and help elderly, volunteer at youth centres, organize fund raisers 4 disadvantaged -of which there are many- in our Canada .... u want peace.... well how about earning it!
WHITE POPPIES= RED POPPIES
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=702431233108235&set=a.153203521364345.32932.100000240949070&type=1&theater¬if_t=like
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POSTED
CANADA MILITARY NEWS: Troops Christmas Wish List- what 2 mail and where pls- December 2013- the good stuff- NORAD-SANTA/Videos- We love u so much NATO-ISAF GLOBAL TROOPS- land, sea, air
http://nova0000scotia.blogspot.ca/2013/11/canada-military-news-hey-canada-heres.html
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