Old
age ain't no place for sissies.
--Bette
Davis
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Our Movies.... ADORED THEM-Our Gang
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BLOG:
Canada- Celebrating the older Golden years in Canada- Here’s how 2 use the Internet TEXT language and Emoticons darlins/love2AllOlympiansSochi/God blessrTroops
http://nova0000scotia.blogspot.ca/2014/02/lets-celebrate-older-gold-years-heres.html
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--------------
To
Sir With Love was the greatest movie of 1967. So many of us were just thrilled
2 see kids in UK just the same as us...
and how we loved the teacher.... saw it 6 times....Lulu
2
sir with love
We
remember and loved
Ode
2 billy joe
--------
incredible
old photos back in the day
-------------
Mr
Bojangles Sammy Davis Jr 1989
-------------
Two
old women were sitting side-by-side in their rocking chairs when one said to
the other, "I'm getting so old all my friends in Heaven are going to think
I didn't make it."
----------------
Sweet
Old Lady Jives to Runaround Sue
-------------
An
80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at
what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you
attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter
and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing
turkeys up and down the mountains."
The
doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your dad when he died?"
The
old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"
The
doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How
old is he?"
The
old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me
this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."
The
doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The
old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The
doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still
living! How old is he?"
The
old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old." The doctor was getting frustrated
at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this
morning too?"
The
old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
married."
The
Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want
to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
MeMail
----------
vodafone
crazy feet best Old Indian lady koli dance (hilarious)_(360p
-------------
THE
FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2)
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3)
You are Santa Claus.
4)
You look like Santa Claus.
Big
Mo Two
-------
SWING
FEVER
88
Year Old Swing Dancer Cuts a Mean Rug!
------------
The
man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house
that he used to do.
When
the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me
in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain
English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell
my wife."
MeMail
---------------
Black
and white - An ode to times long gone, For older folks only -
(Under
40, you won't understand)
You
could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears far as they go.
Pull
a chair up to the TV set,
"Good
night, David; Good night, Chet".
Depending
on the channel you tuned
You
got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It
felt so good, felt so right.
Life
looked better in black and white.
I
Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis
the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide,
Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman,
Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father
Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin
Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna
Reed on Thursday night--
Life
looked better in black and white.
I
wanna go back to black and white.
Everything
always turned out right.
Simple
people, simple lives
Good
guys always won the fight.
Now
nothing is the way it seems
In
living color on the TV screen.
Too
many murders, too much fight,
I
wanna go back to black and white.
In
God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A
promise made was a promise kept.
They
never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd
never make the network now.
But
if I could, I'd rather be alive
In
a TV town in '55.
It
felt so good, felt so right
Life
looked better in black and white.
I'd
trade all the channels on the satellite
If
I could just turn back the clock tonight
To
when everybody knew wrong from right
Life
was better in black and white
MeMail
------------
THE
SENILITY PRAYER
God
grant me the senility to forget
The
people I never liked anyway,
The
good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And
the eyesight to tell the difference.
------------
Billie Holliday
-------------------
-----------------------
If
you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a
tear to your eyes.
These
great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood
Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and
(often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the question
of course.
Q.
Do female frogs croak?
A.
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough they will.
Q.
If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A.
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.
True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.
You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q.
According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is
attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.
Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q.
Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A.
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q.
In Hawaiian, does it take more than threewords to say "I Love You"?
A.
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q.
What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get
Enough"?
A.
George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q.
As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while
talking?
A.
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a
gesture you'll never forget.
Q.
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.
Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.
Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A.
Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q.
In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q.
It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is
politics, what is the other?
A.
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q.
During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.
Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q.
Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
A.
Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q.
When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.
Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.
If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q.
According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit
of kissing a lot of people?
A.
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q.
It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A.
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.
Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was
he trying to do?
A.
George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q.
Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.
When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q.
Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually
seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A.
Charley Weaver: His feet
Q.
According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A.
Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
Clara
Kaku
---------------------
"OLD"
IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You
don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You
are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting
a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"Getting
lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
An
"all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
-------------------
----------------
AGING:
Eventually
you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging
about it.
The
older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some
people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
When
you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You
know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I
don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
One
of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
Ah,
being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Old
age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't
recognize you.
If
you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when
you are old.
First
you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your
zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
----------------
SIGNS
THAT YOU ARE OVER THE HILL
-You're
sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your
legs.
-You
keep repeating yourself.
-Lawn
care has become a big highlight of your life.
-You
tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.
-You
keep repeating yourself.
-You
start video taping daytime game shows.
-You
wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame .
-Your
insurance company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a
time.
-At
cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
-Your
new easy chair has more options than your car.
-When
you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and it stays
out.
-One
of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
-Conversations
with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
-You
keep repeating yourself.
-It
takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
-You
discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and
"by_cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
-You're
on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
-You
begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
-You
run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
-You
look both ways before crossing a room.
-You
keep repeating yourself.
-You
come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
-You
go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden
(I
am so far over the hill that I am hanging on to keep from falling off the other
side - said the sender)
------------------
A
father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer
games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his
schoolwork, the father said to his son, 'When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was
studying books by the light of the fireplace.'
The
son replied, 'Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was The President of The
United States!!!'
------------
BINGO NIGHT BABY!
-----
Conspiracy, We Must Stop This
Have
you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill
from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier.
And,
everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was
dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And,
you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak
in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating
themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the
face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I
also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an
old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even
recognize me.
I
got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning,
and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW
......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another
thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just
happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their
brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my
rear view mirror.
Clothing
manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start
labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that
these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The
people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do
they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I
would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're
fooling?
I'd
like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on-but the
telephone! company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books
in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All
I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!
BEV
---------------
"Aging
seems to be the only available way to live a long life.”
--Daniel
Auber
"The
best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles."
--Sigmund
Z. Engel
"It
is sad to grow old but nice to ripen."
--Brigitte
Bardot
A.
Inglis
-------------
NINETEEN
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
By
Dave Barry
1.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.
2.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
3.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness."
4.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you
to share yours with them.
5.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides
to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person
on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
9.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.
Never lick a steak knife.
11.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12.
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why
we observe daylight savings time.
14.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at
that moment.
15.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big
deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who
are not in them.
18.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19.
Your friends love you anyway.
H
& J Williams
-----------
-----------------
Respect- Nature and children love us.... we are the innocents of the world and they trust us.
-------------------
-----------
Lessons
As We Age
I
learned that I liked my teacher because she cried when we sang "Silent
Night".
Age
6
I
learned our dog didn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age
7
I
learned that when I waved to people in the country, they stopped what they were
doing and waved back.
Age
9
I
learned that just when I got my room the way I liked it, Mom made me clean it
up again.
Age
12
I
learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone
else up.
Age
14
I
learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are
strict with me.
Age
15
I
learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age
24
I
learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age
26
I
learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers follow me there.
Age
29
I
learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no
one will believe it.
Age
39
I
learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to
show it.
Age
42
I
learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age
44
I
learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need
to cast blame on others.
Age
46
I
learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age
47
I
learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go
on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age
48
I
learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age
49
I
learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age
50
I
learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three
things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age
52
I
learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of
pills.
Age
52
I
learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them
terribly after they die.
Age
53
I
learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age
58
I
learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to
improve your marriage.
Age
61
I
learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age
62
I
learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.
You need to be able to throw something back.
Age
64
I
learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on
your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the
very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age
65
I
learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the
right decision.
Age
66
I
learned that it pays to believe in miracles. I've seen several.
Age
75
I
learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age
82
I
learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that
human touch: holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age
85
I
learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age
92
--------
-------------
From
circa 1957
1)
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
(2)
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when
$5000 will only buy a used one."
(3)
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
is ridiculous.."
(4)
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"
(5)
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store."
(6)
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."
(7)
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible
to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long
as the girls."
(8)
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every
new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
(9)
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10)
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making
more than the president."
(11)
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric..
They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12)
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married
women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13)
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone
to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14)
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
(15)
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business."
(16)
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to
congress."
(17)
"The drive-through restaurant is convenient , but I seriously doubt they
will ever catch on."
(18)
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It
costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19)
"No one can afford to be sick any more, $35 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."
(20)
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.
ChargrJohn
-----------
-----------
----------
-----------
ADVANTAGES
OF BEING OVER 50
1)
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2)
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3)
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4)
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5)
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
6)
Things you buy now won't wear out.
7)
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
8)
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
9)
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
10)
Your eyes won't get much worse.
11)
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live
Doppler 10,000.
12)
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
13)
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
14)
A thirty year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.
linda
stiefel
-------------------
"Old"
Is When...
...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go
along.
...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"Getting
a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
...
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
...
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!
S.
Kessler
-------------------
SIGNS
YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You
keep repeating yourself.
You
can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your
back goes out more than you do.
You
quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You
buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You
are proud of your lawn mower.
Your
best friend is dating someone half their age... and isn't breaking any laws.
You
keep repeating yourself.
Your
arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You
sing along with the elevator music.
You
would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You
constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You
enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You
keep repeating yourself.
You
consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You
no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors
borrow your tools.
People
call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you&63;"
You
keep repeating yourself.
You
have a dream about prunes.
You
answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You
send money to PBS.
The
end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You
take a metal detector to the beach.
You
keep repeating yourself.
You
wear black socks with sandals.
You
know what the word "equity" means.
You
can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your
ears are hairier than your head.
You
talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You
get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You
got cable for the weather channel.
You
can go bowling without drinking.
You
have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You
are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
Feminists
don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".
Looking
at people when they talk so you can read their lips.
You
keep repeating yourself.
V
Femia
----------------
REMEMBER....
When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a
test or chew gum. And the banquets were in the cafeteria and we danced to a
juke box later, and all the girls wore fluffy pastel gowns and the boys wore
suits for the first time and we were allowed to stay out till 12 p.m. When a
'57 Chevy was everyone's dream car. . . to cruise, peel out, lay rubber and
watch drag races, and people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an
inch of wrapped dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it
would fit her finger. And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they
were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked. And
you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no
one ever had a key. Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends
and saying things like "That cloud looks like a...", and playing
baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game, when baseball
was not a psychological group learning experience-it was a game. Remember when
stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one
had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger. And...with all our progress...don't
you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower
pace...and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's .... Remember Nancy
Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery,
The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and
Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and
summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling
and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar. When being sent
to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a
misbehaving student at home. We were in fear for our lives, not because of
drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much
bigger threat! We survived because their love was greater than the threat. It
feels good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that! And was it really
that long ago?
---------
An
older woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scothe
with two drops of water.
The
bartender gives her the drink.
"I'm
on the cruise to celbrate my 80th birthday and it is today" The bartender
says, "Well, since it is your birthday, this one is on me."
As
the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like
to buy you a drink too."
"Bartender,
I want a xcotch with two drops of water."
As
she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you
one too."
"Bartneder,
I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
The
bartender says, as he gives her the drink, "Ma'am, I'm curious, why the
scotch with only two drops of water?"
The
old woman replies, "Sonny when you're my age, you can handle your scotch,
but water, however small the amount, is a whole other issue."
V.J.
FEMIA
------------
LIFE'S
TRUTHS LEARNED WHILE YOUNG
1.
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2.
When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT
TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2.
Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
3.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut! that held its ground.
4.
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
-----------
An
old lady has moved into my house. She usually keeps out of sight but when I
pass a mirror, there she is obliterating my gorgeous face and body.
I
think she is stealing money from me, I go to the ATM and withdraw $100.00 and a
few days later it is gone. I don't spend money that fast.
My
food is disappearing at an alarming rate, especially the good stuff like
cookies, ice cream and candy. and then she's been tampering with my scale to
make me think I've put on weight.
She
is quite childish, likes to play games like going into my closets when I'm not
home altering my clothes so that they don't fit, she messes with my files and
papers so I can't find anything, also fiddles with my VCR so it doesn't record
what I have programmed.
She
gets to the newspaper and mail before I can and blurs the print so I can't read
anything, then did something to my TV and telephone volume so all I can hear is
mumbles and whispers.
She
has done other things, like made my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier, my knobs
and faucets harder to turn.
She
has made my bed higher, glues my lids on jars so it's impossible for me to open
them.
She
has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes.
She
stands in front of me in the mirror and monopolizes it, looking ridiculous in
some of those outfits that look so great on me.
Just
when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she came along with me to get my
picture taken for my driver's licence and jumped in front of me before the
camera clicked.
No
one is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me.
Murphy
(of Murphy's Law fame) Was a Midlifer
On
Aging:
Everything
takes longer than you think, except growing old.
Some
people age prematurely; the rest of us get old right on schedule.
Beauty
is skin deep, but old goes clear to the bone.
On
The Empty Nest:
When
you finally get your youngest child out of the house, the oldest will move back
in with kids and a significant other.
When
you help get this family a job and a place of their own, your Uncle Burt will
come for one of his extended visits.
When
Burt leaves, there will be others.
If
you change the locks, they will break in.
If
you move, they will find you.
The
empty nest is a myth.
On
the Midlife Crisis:
You
will have to postpone your midlife crisis until your spouse finishes his or
hers.
You
will postpone it again while your children go through adolescence.
When
you finally get time for a midlife crisis, you won't have the energy for it.
If
you go ahead with it anyway, no one will notice.
On
Life Expectancy:
Midlifers
are more likely than the younger population to die from heart disease.
Midlifers
are more likely than the younger population to die from cancer.
Midlifers
are more likely than the younger population to die from strokes.
Midlifers
are less likely than the younger population to die from a crash at the Indy
500, a fall from Mt. Everest, or a riot at a rock concert.
So
go ahead; live on the edge. The odds are with you!
Final
Words:
Murphy
was an optimist.
Murphy
was a midlifer.
Murphy
wrote during midlife crisis.
-Author
Unknown-
Jay
Krueger
--------------------
I
want to go back to the time when.....................
Decisions
were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes
were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race
issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money
issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching
fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It
wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being
old, referred to anyone over 20.
The
net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules
didn't matter.
The
worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
It
was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It
was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having
a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody
was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes
and bruises were kissed and made better.
It
was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people"
rides at the amusement park.
Getting
a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities
were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
Saturday
morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No
shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-free"
made perfect sense.
Spinning
around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The
worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War
was a card game.
Water
balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball
cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking
drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice
cream was considered a basic food group (and STILL is as far as I am
concerned!!)
Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If
you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
I
DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!!!!!!!!!!!!
VJF,
Prince Edward County
---------------
Red
Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but
that 80 is not "old."
Red
explained:
"Old"
is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.
"Old"
is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis".
"Old"
is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to
the light.
"Old"
is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door
nearest your car.
"Old"
is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
"Old"
is when you enjoyed the Big Band Era: Sioux, Iroquois, Apache, Crow
"Old"
is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you
answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
------------
Age-O-Meter:
How
many do you remember?
1.
Blackjack chewing gum
2.
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3.
Candy cigarettes
4.
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5.
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
6.
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7.
Party lines
8.
Newsreels before the movie
9.
P. F. Flyers
10.
Butch wax
11.
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12.
Peashooters
13.
Howdy Doody
14.
45 RPM records
15.
S&H Green Stamps
16.
Hi-fi's
17.
Metal ice trays with levers
18.
Mimeograph paper
19.
Blue flashbulbs
20.
Beanie and Cecil
21.
Roller skate keys
22.
Cork popguns
23.
Drive45;ins
24.
Studebakers
25.
Wash tub wringers
If
you remembered 0-5 Cheer up - you're still young
If
you remembered 6-10 Hmmm - you're getting older
If
you remembered 16-25 You're older than dirt!
----------------
You're
not old UNLESS you can remember:
Being
sent to the drugstore to test vacuum tubes for the TV.
When
Kool-Aid was the only other drink for kids, other than milk and sodas.
When
there were two types of sneakers for boys.
When
boys couldn't wear anything but leather shoes to school.
When
it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When
all your friends got their hair cut at the kitchen table.
When
nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there.
When
nobody owned a pure-bred dog.
When
a dime was a decent allowance, and a quarter a huge bonus.
When
you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When
girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When
your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When
all your teachers wore either neckties or had their hair done, everyday.
When
you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking,
for free, every time. You ALSO got trading stamps to boot!
When
laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When
any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him, or use him to carry
groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When
it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real
restaurant with your parents.
When
they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed-and did!
When
being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that
awaited a misbehaving student at home.
When
women were called, "Mrs. John Smith," instead of their own name.
Pat
Chambers
----------------
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