SOCHI 2014 WINTER OLYMPICS THEME SONG- Beautiful and brilliant
SOCHI 2014
WINTER OLYMPICS- beautiful stunning opening/ Troop-SOME MILITARYSHARED FUN- SOME SERIOUS from back in 2010 and 2011/God
bless our Troops always
BLOGGED:
SOCHI OLYMPICS/PARALYMPICS- Dec31-Jan
2014 -WE REMEMBER BOSTON- All Nation countries band 2gether 2 BRING THE BEST OF
THEIR BOMB DOGS AND HUNTERS- who are the world's best at catching the coward
Heretic Muslim Monsters- - The Winter Olympics/Paralympics of Sochi, Mother
Russia are 4 the global children of this world 2 honour the best of the best of
all that is good about our world class athletes.... All nations stepping up....
4 Sochi.... r kids matter...
February 5 2014- HUGS OUT 2 RUSSIA...
AND...
Troops arrive in Winnipeg from Afghanistan January 31 2014
BLOGGED:
CANADA
MILITARY NEWS:11 September 2013-Tribute n photos of Canadians Sept. 11
2001-World Trade Center-New York USA/Photos and Memorial 2 Canadians sacrificed
Afghanistan- We Remember Always
-------------------
FUN STUFF FOR TROOPS FEB 06/07 2010
COMMONLY USED PHRASES AT THE OFFICE and... WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN!
1.
For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning:
I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
2.
Noted and returned.
Meaning:
I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.
3.
Review and comment..
Meaning:
Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
4..
Action please.
Meaning:
Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
5.
For your necessary action.
Meaning:
It's your headache now.
6.
Copy to.
Meaning:
Here's a share of my headache.
7.
For your approval, please.
Meaning:
Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
8.
Action is being taken.
Meaning:
Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.
9.
Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning:
I am trying to figure out what you want.
10.
Please discuss.
Meaning:
I don't know what the hell this is, so please brief me.
11.
For your immediate action.
Meaning:
Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.
12.
Please reply soon.
Meaning:
Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
13.
We are investigating/ processing your request with the relevant authorities.
Meaning:
They are causing the delay, not us.
14.
Regards.
Meaning:
Thanks and bless you for reading all the crap.
Contributed by: verygood101 @ yahoo.com
--------------
Never Mess With Old People
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa,
and summons him to the Revenue Canada office.
The auditor was not surprised when
Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an
extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying
that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revenue Canada finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,'
says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said,
'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand
dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says,
'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites
it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two
thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't
blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites
his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has
wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts
to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa
asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your
desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious
now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips
his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing
that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This
morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me
twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your
desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
-------------
Hilarious Airline Announcements....
United
Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On
landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have. '
*************************************
'There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane'
*************************************
An
airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship
into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them
a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane.
She
said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why,
no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The
little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************
As
the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************
After
a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a
landing like that.'
*************************************
Another
flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************
Overheard
on an American Airlines flight intoAmarillo,Texason a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight
it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome toAmarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************
'Your
seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency
water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As
you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left
behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not
leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************
Heard
on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing inSalt Lake City. The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I
know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's
fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it
was the asphalt.'
****************************************
After
a real crusher of a landing inPhoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and
Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have
brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************
Part
of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for
flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US
Airways.'
****************************************
Heard
on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke,
the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em,
you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************
A
plane was taking off fromKennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies
and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop fromNew York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore,
we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY
GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled
a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'! !
A
passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
Contributed by: asharaj53 @ gmail.com
--------------
A Naval Captain
A Naval captain was walking leisurely on
his battleship when a subordinate rushes over to him and says "Sir, an
enemy battleship is fast approaching us. We should be ready"
The captain replies coolly "Go. Get
my Red shirt"
The subordinate rushes over and gets the
Shirt for his captain. The captain wears the red shirt.
After some time, the enemy battleship
comes in range. Consequently heavy rounds of fire are exchanged between the two
battleships. After much effort, the Spanish win.
The subordinate approaches his boss,
"Congratulations for the victory sir, but why did you require the red
shirt in the first place?"
The captain replies "Because, during
the war if I got injured then my blood should not have been seen as I did not
want my men to lose hope and to fight with the same ferocity."
Just then another subordinate rushes
over. "Sir, we just spotted another 20 enemy battleships heading in our
direction."
The captain replies coolly "Go. Get
my yellow trousers"
----------
The
Petrified Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the
shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car,
nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop
window.
For a second everything went quiet in the
cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!".
The passenger apologized and said,
"I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not
really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a
van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years".
-------------
Hilarious
Quotes (rules and laws)
Whenever I find the key to success, someone
changes the lock.
To
err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
The
road to success?.. Is always under construction.
Alcohol
doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
In
order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
All
the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.
Since
Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you her them
speak.
Evefyone
has a scheme of getting rich?... Which never works.
If
at first you don't succeed?.. Destroy all the evidence that you ever tried.
You
can never determine which side of the bread to butter... if it falls down, it
will always land on the buttered side.
Anything
dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
42.7%
of all statistics is made on the spot.
As
soon as you mention something. if it is
good, it is taken?... If it is bad, it happens.
He/She who has the gold, makes the rules...
Murphy's golden rule.
If you come early, the bus is late. If you come
late. the bus is still late.
Once you have bought something, you will find the
same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
When in a queue, the other line always moves
faster and the person in fron of you will always have the most complex of
transactions.
If you have paper, you don't have a pen.... If you
have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both... no one calls.http://reachhumour.blogspot.com/
Especially for engg Students... If you have bunked the class, the
professor has taken attendance.
You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.
The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the
bathroom.
After a long wait for bus No. 20, two number 20 buses will always
pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the
other.http://reachhumour.blogspot.com/
If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the
cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.http://reachhumour.blogspot.com/
-------------
GRAMMAR COP: Sad Little
Happy Hour
Defendant:
Artepasta Restaurant, Greenwich Avenue, New York.
Count
1: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Count
2: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Count
3: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Count
4: Usage of an apostrophe in the commission of a plural noun.
Report:
Officer diverted his routine patrol and was headed towards the part of
Greenwich Village known as "Little Britain" when the incident was
noticed and recorded on a digital incident recording device. Officer believes
the area to be rife with superfluous apostrophes and recommends that the area
be patrolled more regularly.
Fine:
$440 worth of liquor (well drinks only
--------------
humour... fun...(USA)
DUTY TIPS
We're
blessed to live in a country where each and every individual (not you, felons!)
can participate in the justice system. A trial by a jury of our peers is one of
our inalienable rights, and serving as a juror is not only a privilege but a
civic obligation.
That said, sometimes jury duty can be a dreadfully tedious ordeal that you'd really like to get the hell out of - like if the trial will last over a month and is about rich people suing other rich people over a betnt building (nytimes nytimes . com/2007/12/23/realestate/23deal2.html?_r=3).
That said, sometimes jury duty can be a dreadfully tedious ordeal that you'd really like to get the hell out of - like if the trial will last over a month and is about rich people suing other rich people over a betnt building (nytimes nytimes . com/2007/12/23/realestate/23deal2.html?_r=3).
Here
are some helpful tips:
·
Declare
yourself a sovereign republic. Tell the lawyers you are not subject to the laws
or jurisdiction of the United States because you are a country from the skin
inward.
·
Approach
the lawyers and ask, "Where the guilty one at?" This should result
excusal on grounds of bias and/or grammatical malfeasance.
·
Tell
them you're part of a daytime improvisational comedy troupe Mission Improv-able
that will suffer hardship if you're not there to provide base swears and crude
scatological references.
·
Rock
back and forth mumbling, "Man, I wish Carrot Top could see this."
·
When
the attorneys ask if you can be fair and impartial say, "For $40 a day?
Pick one."
·
Hold
a quarter and keep referring to it as The Decisionmaker.
·
Tell
them you will be fair and impartial as dictated by Starfleet legal code.
·
Frighten
every attorney in the room by suggesting this could probably be resolved
through binding arbitration instead
---------
from banterist . com (last few... so funny... come on get your
humour kicking in darlins... more coming)
Avatar: True Facts
The
entire film was created on a MacBook Pro with a pirated copy of Adobe After
Effects.
This
is Sigourney Weaver's 73rd reprise of her role as a woman in outer space.
Unbeknownst
to the audience, the film peppered viewers with very, very subtle political
messages.
At
nearly three hours long, the film is like suffering through six episodes of Two
and a Half Men.
The
indigenous people of Pandora were designed to resemble James Cameron's cat
Fluffers.
The
Na'vi dialect has even more apostrophes than Klingon.
If
you were to pit people who taught themselves Na'vi against people who taught
themselves Klingon, no one would win because they'd all be losers.
James
Cameron's original title for the film was Dances With Wolves, But In Space
-----------
AL COMPLAINA: OSAMA SPEAKS
Recently,
al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America's complicity in the
climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents
the organization's desperation to stay relevant. However, this is not the first
time Al Qaeda's opinionated chatterbox has strayed beyond his usual comfort
zone in order to vent some fury. In fact, when it comes to the sassy Saudi no
one is safe.
BARISTAS
LEAVE TOO MUCH ROOM FOR MILK (May 2007)
"And
now we laugh, seeing how America has lost its credibility and is viewed as a
tool of the imperialist, colonialist empires, and one that most notably leaves
too much room for milk in its venti coffees, even when its citizens
specifically stated that they desired nothing more than a large black coffee.
Even as Bush continues his warmongering abroad and assists the Zionists in
their occupation of Palestine, he helms a so-called democracy that is unable to
simply fill the cup all the way to the top. One that cheats its own citizens by
leaving an inch of room for milk in a $2.50 cup of coffee, when not a single
millimeter of room was wanted."
FACEBOOK
REDESIGN (October 2009)
"Where
is the justice in changing the layout on the faithful user? Where is your
precious "freedom" for which you fight and die, when you too find
yourself cast from your area of comfort, into an unfamiliar land, like our
Palestinian brothers for whom we shall never rest? You leave us with no choice
but to become a fan of "Bring Back The Old Layout Or We're Gone."
TIME
OUT NEW YORK KEEPS RECOMMENDING RESTAURANTS IN BROOKLYN (November 2008)
"All
praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created
man as a favor and grace from Him and who in his infinite wisdom saw to it that
Time Out New York would cover all the glorious and wonderful events and dining
venues in New York City. But the cancerous touch of the Deceivers has made it
such that one will read with great interest about a restaurant opening - only
to realize that the restaurant is in Red Hook or Park Slope, where
Manhattanites can not be bothered to go. And so just as the Deceivers mislead
you about their plan of oppression in the Middle East, they also mislead about
their plan to promote Brooklyn. Presumably because the writers all live there
and really want it to be hip."
JAY LENO RETURNS TO TONIGHT SHOW (January 2010)
"For
ten long years our mujahedeen fought the great power of the Soviet Union with
nothing more than simple weapons. Through patience and steadfastness we bled
their economy until there was no more blood in its veins. Through patience and
steadfastness we brought a superpower to its knees. And through patience and steadfastness
we shall bring the armies of the West to their knees. That we have patience and
steadfastness is known to all. But if you think for a minute that I'm going to
sit through another "Jay Walking" segment, you're fooling yourself. I
honestly don't know what Jeff Zucker is smoking, Peace Be Upon Him
--------------
EMPLOYEE RULES AND REGULATIONS...
"Dress Code"
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag (gals
get this one- guys would be fancy sports names and designer sneakers etc), we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do NOT need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money
better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do NOT need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore do NOT need a raise.
****
"Sick
Days"
We
will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
****
"Personal
Days"
Each
employee will receive 104 personal days a year.... they are called Saturday and
Sunday.
*******
"Toilet
Use"
Entirely
too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3-minute time
limit in the stalls.
At
the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the stall door will opne and a picture will be taken.
Afte
your 2nd offence, your picture will be posted on the compnay bulleting board
under the "Chronic Offenders category"
Anyone
caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental
health policy!
You
are allowed to use the rest room only twice a day and you to swipe in and out
from the toilt doors also.
***************
"Mails"
Don't
read junk and forwarded mails.http://reachhumour.blogspot.com/
-
thank you for your loaylty to our company
We
are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, comtemplations, consternation and input
should be direct elsewhere. THE
MANAGEMENT
--------------
the laws of boating...
Any
tool, when dropped, will immediately bounce off the deck into the water.
The probability of being seen is in direct
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
After you start changing the oil, your nose
will begin to itch.
If you have to call the Coast Guard on the
VHF, everyone you ever knew heard you.
If you are on the cell telling the boss you're
sick, a boat will immediately roar by.
As soon as you are have the fuel dock lined
up, you'll get hit by a wake.
As soon as you go in swimming and are
completely wet, your cellphone rings.
The probability of someone you know wanting to
raft up increases dramatically if you just stopped for a quiet afternoon.
When you finally get the mechanic down to your
boat to show him what won't work, it will. If your boat needs 1.5 metres of
water, the only spot left on the dock will have 1 metre.
The boat immediately upwind will start a
generator as soon as you have your plates of food ready.
If there are only two people in a marina, they
will have adjacent slips.
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, something will need attention until the coffee is cold.
The chances of a red wine spill hitting fabric
upholstery is in direct proportion to how new and expensive it is.
A 'glass' glass in the cockput will always
shatter.
The quieter the anchorage, the greater the
chances that someone will be playing loud music
There's
always at least one boater who believes the guy who doesn't know what he is
talking about.(And yes, always a 'guy'.)
A closed mouth gathers no feet. (See previous)
If the boat shoe fits, it's too expensive.
As soon as you find a marina you really like,
they will raise the rates.
As soon as your boat is old enough to start
replacing parts, you will discover they no longer make them.
--------------
Canadian Boaters Do the Nautical Nookie
"Discover Boating" Survery, June 2008
63%
of boaters reported satisfaction with their sex lives, compared to 54% of
non-boaters - and the more frequently Canadians go boating, the more satisfied
they are. Let's go boating!
With
the sweltering summer in full-swing, Canadian boaters are turning up the heat
in the bedroom. According to a national Discover Boating survey, boaters report
much higher levels of sexual satisfaction than other Canadians.
The
survey conducted by Angus Reid Strategies in June 2008 polled more than 1,000
boaters and non-boaters and compared their viewpoints on several quality of
life aspects. Participants were asked to rank their satisfaction with the
quality of their sex lives. 63% of boaters reported satisfaction with their sex
lives, compared to 54% of non-boaters. Not only do boaters enjoy making waves
on shore but the study revealed that twice as many boaters would prefer to
spend their time making out on a boat than sightseeing.
Buoy-Oh-Buoy,
That's Some Smooth Sailing
While
getting revved up in the bedroom may be reason enough for Canadians to chart
their course on the nearest body of water this summer, the survey also found
that a whopping 68 per cent of Canadian boaters believe that boating relieves
their stress.
Boating
is a great social activity that can help people bond with those they are
closest to, says Lindsay J. Rennie, Marketing Director, Discover Boating, NMMA
Canada. There is something undeniably romantic about being out on the water with
that special someone. Boating can set the mood for total relaxation and even
make for some intimate moments! So, if you are cruising the anchorage in your
dinghy, and a boat is 'a-rockin' with no waves in sight, just dinghy on by!
Provincial
Pier Pressure
Amidst
the results, the survey found that among Canada's coastal provinces, 75% of
British Columbians had been on a boat at least once in the last year, compared
to 60% in the Atlantic provinces, and a lowly 26% in Quebec!
Political
Sex
Which
political supporters do you suppose are the most likely to make out on-board?
16% of NDP supporters, and 15% of Bloc Québécois supporters, were ahead of
Liberals and Conservatives by a wide margin - they scored only 6% and 5%
respectively.
The
survey also found:
Anglophones are more likely to engage in
watersports than Francophones (21% vs. 14%)
In Canada, the percentage of the
population that has been on a boat in the past year by province:
·
B.C.:
75%
·
Alberta:
51%
·
Prairies:
41%
·
Ontario:
50%
·
Quebec:
26%
·
Atlantic:
60%
68% of boaters believe boating reduces
stress.
65% of women like to sun-bathe on a
boat.
Boaters in Manitoba & Saskatchewan
are the most likely to go fishing. (31% v.s. 20% across Canada)
71% of men like to fish while on a boat.
Age group most likely to go fishing on a
boat: 18-34
·
18-34-years:
43%
·
35-55
years: 34%
·
over
55 years: 35%
Most likely to have sex on-board:
·
16%
NDP
·
15%
Bloc Québécois
·
6%
Liberals
·
5%
Conservatives
"Discover
Boating" is promotional program to encourage more people to get into
recreational boating. It is managed by the National Marine Manufacturers
Association (NMMA) on behalf of the North American recreational boating
industry. They claim each year over 6 million people in Canada enjoy
recreational boating. Visit discovervboating . ca for free boating advice,
events, videos and information.
Canadians having Sex on Cruise Ships
According
to a new survey, 12% of Canadians have had sex at sea aboard a cruise ship. Of
the 28% of Canadian adults who have taken a cruise, 44% have had sex aboard the
ship - nearly 3 million Canadians. 58% of these active travellers are over the
age of 45, proving that you don't have to be young to be sexy! Which provinces
had the highest percentage - British Columbia 57% and Ontario 55%, while Quebec
22% had the lowest percentage!
The
survey conducted by Leger Marketing for tripharbour . ca polled a random
selection of 1,030 male and female respondents aged 18 years and older.
-----------------
SOMEWHERE IN CANADA
What a cool site.... and check out the games...
www dot somewhereincanada dot com/playground/
--------------
www dot canadianbeerdrinkersalliance dot ca
BEER DRINKERS of CANADA UNITE!
Join the organization of beer
drinkers, for beer drinkers, dedicated to beer drinkers! Noted Beerologist,
Elmo B. Sudz,
D.B. (Doctor of Beerology),
cordially invites you to take this test...
-
are you a dedicated beer drinker?
- is beer your cup of tea?
- is beer your preference in alcoholic beverages?
- are you concerned about the image of beer drinkers in general?
- do you on occasion enjoy relaxing with a beer?
- does the rich, full flavour of beer flick your switch?
- do you have a sense of humour?
- is beer your cup of tea?
- is beer your preference in alcoholic beverages?
- are you concerned about the image of beer drinkers in general?
- do you on occasion enjoy relaxing with a beer?
- does the rich, full flavour of beer flick your switch?
- do you have a sense of humour?
If
you answered "yes" to any of these questions and you are of legal
drinking age, you are a prime candidate for the CANADIAN BEER DRINKERS'
ALLIANCE.
Elmo
Sudz, founder of the CBDA, has spent his entire adult life in the quest to
better the lot of the beer drinking fraternity, and now you have the
opportunity to reap the benefits of his work.
You
have an opportunity to become part of the fastest growing organization in
Canada today. An organization devoted to elevating beer drinkers to new
heights. An organization determined to show the world that beer drinkers really
do have more fun. Your membership in the Canadian Beer Drinkers' Alliance could
well be one of the most significant achievements in your life. Don't hesitate.
Don't wait. JOIN NOW!
The
Bachelor of Beerology Program reflects a long term goal of Elmo’s to provide
the membership with the opportunity for the kind of professional development
that has long existed in other fields. Through the creation of the Canadian
Institute of Beerology, Faculty of Ale and Lager, beer drinkers can excel in
their chosen endeavour of Beerology and finally be recognized for their
achievements.
A
course of study outline and the final Bachelor of Beerology examination booklet
have been included with each new membership package. Members may cover the
prescribed course of study and write the final exam at their leisure in the
privacy and comfort of their own homes.
For
a small tuition fee the completed exam can be mailed to the Canadian Institute
of Beerology for evaluation and the awarding of the Bachelor of Beerology
Degree.
Ongoing
input from Bachelor of Beerology graduates and C.B.D.A. members over the years
have assisted Elmo in keeping the course of study on the cutting edge of beer
drinking technology.
OMG....
Alequarius
- Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 - "the beercarrier"
If you are an Alequarius you
definitely prefer ale, but your easygoing nature permits you to enjoy lager and
other beers with equal gusto. You are the most likely to be designated to pick
up the beer for gatherings by friends, co-workers, etc.
Here
Sudz portrays the often thankless role of the Alequarius. This stunt requires
amazing balancing skills and should not be tried by viewers at home. Would be a
piece of cake for a Libra
Pisces -
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 - "the fish"
As a
Pisces you live up to your reputation of drinking like a fish. To say that most
Pisces drink with abandon is an understatement. Let's face it, if it's beer
you'll drink it
Aries -
Mar. 21 - Apr. 19 - "the ram"
Aries
tends to be one of the hornier members of the beer drinking fraternity. They
invented the term "ram-induction", later adapted in automotive
circles. This is accomplished by vigourously shaking a beer can or bottle and
then directing the pressurized contents into the mouth
Taurus -
Apr. 20 - May. 20 - "the bull"
A
Taurus often has drinking habits which are indistinguishable from other beer
drinkers. Taurus is, however, prone to large exaggerations, boastfullness, and
the stretching of the truth to the point of shooting the bull. There is always
a little Taurus in all beer drinkers.
Gemini -
May 21 - June 20 - "the twins"
Gemini
always has things a little tougher than most beer drinkers. A Gemini is faced
with the problem of having to drink for two people. Geminis often compensate
for this hardship by drinking with both hands. On occasion gets into argument
with self and loses
Cancer -
June 21 - July 22 - "the crab"
Often
a solitary individual and can be a little cantankerous or grouchy. Can usually
be appeased by buying them beer. Have a latent tendency to want to pinch
members of the opposite sex
Sudz
immerses himself in the solitary behaviour of Cancer. Symbolic gesture
reaffirms the belief that most Cancers have of being number 1
Leo -
July 23 - Aug. 22 - "the lion"
Often
referred to as the King of beer drinkers. A Leo's mane aspiration in life is to
relax with a cold beer. Leos take a great deal of pride in their
accomplishments in life.
Virgo -
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22 - "the virgin"
Little
is actually known about the characteristics of the Virgo. In fact, we are not
even certain as to whether or not there are any Virgos in the C.B.D.A.
Tremendous societal pressure has placed the Virgo on the endangered species
list
Libra -
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22 - "the scales"
Even
though Librans have scales, their habits should not be confused with Pisces the
fish. Librans believe in balance, a balanced diet, a balanced budget, a balance
between ale and lager, and maintaining their balance after they have had too
much to drink. All in all, Librans are pretty damn funny
Scorpio -
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 - "the scorpion"
Scorpios
are accustomed to a harsh, parched desert habitat and as a consequence are
voracious drinkers. This unquenchable thirst extends to things other than beer
and everyone is aware of Scorpios' passions. Scorpios are unselfish and often
credit their beer farts to unsuspecting Leos.
Sagittarius
- Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 - "the archer"
Sagittarians
are noted for their good aim and accuracy. They often throw popcorn, peanuts,
or pretzels into the air and catch them in their mouths. Similarly,
Sagittarians never miss when they use the beer can.
Capricorn
- Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 - "the goat"
Capricorns
are easily identified through their drinking habits. When they have finished
they usually eat the container that the beer came in. Capricorns like to climb
on top of chairs, tables etc. when they have been drinking
----------------
The
"Ask Elmo" column will appear as a regular feature in the "On
Tap" section of the C.B.D.A. web site. Elmo will apply his vast repertoire
of problem solving skills to assist members of the Canadian Beer Drinkers’
Alliance as they struggle with life’s little dilemmas. He realizes that it will
be an impossibility to address all of the world’s problems at once, therefore,
will tackle only a few at a time. Other members may be experiencing problems
similar to those being dealt with and will benefit from Elmo’s wisdom. Members
are invited to seek Elmo’s advice by writing or e-mailing their questions
directly to C.B.D.A. headquarters. (See "Contact Us" for addresses)
Dear
Elmo,
My wife keeps telling me that there is more to life than drinking beer and hockey. What do you think?
Norm in North Bay
Dear Norm,
In this case your wife is absolutely correct. However, she neglected to mention football and fishing.
Elmo
My wife keeps telling me that there is more to life than drinking beer and hockey. What do you think?
Norm in North Bay
Dear Norm,
In this case your wife is absolutely correct. However, she neglected to mention football and fishing.
Elmo
....
Dear
Elmo,
I’m about to set off on my first moose hunting trip, however, I have many questions about my upcoming adventure. How dangerous is a moose? Do moose travel in packs? If there is more than one moose are they called “meese?” If you actually shoot a moose how do you get it back to camp? How do you sneak up on a moose? Can moose climb trees? Looking forward to your response.
Tom in Toronto
Dear Tom,
All of these things can be clarified if you remember one simple truth. You may have the questions, but the moose has the antlers.
Elmo
I’m about to set off on my first moose hunting trip, however, I have many questions about my upcoming adventure. How dangerous is a moose? Do moose travel in packs? If there is more than one moose are they called “meese?” If you actually shoot a moose how do you get it back to camp? How do you sneak up on a moose? Can moose climb trees? Looking forward to your response.
Tom in Toronto
Dear Tom,
All of these things can be clarified if you remember one simple truth. You may have the questions, but the moose has the antlers.
Elmo
-----
Dear
Elmo,
I feel so ashamed. For so many years I have contributed to the problem of global warming. How can I do my part for the Kyoto accord? What can I do to help reduce toxic emissions?
Greg H. in Keswick
Dear Greg,
Try laying off the beans a little!
Elmo
I feel so ashamed. For so many years I have contributed to the problem of global warming. How can I do my part for the Kyoto accord? What can I do to help reduce toxic emissions?
Greg H. in Keswick
Dear Greg,
Try laying off the beans a little!
Elmo
----------
How
to recognize a Canadian Boater
He
knows what a Robertson screwdriver looks like.
She
knows how fast a 15 km/h speed limit is.
He
takes a "two-four" to a party.
She
wears thongs on her feet.
He
leaves a "loonie" as a tip in the coffee shop.
She
drinks pop, not soda.
He
dreams of cruising somewhere the water doesn't get hard in winter.
She
knows the French equivalent of "sugar-free" from reading bilingual
cans.
He
thinks everyone has a holding tank... don't they?
She
wishes she could get a "double double" delivered to the anchorage.
He
may say ‘boot' instead of ‘boat'.
She
owns a serious wool boating sweater due to childhood frostbite.
He
doesn't shoot tourists. (It's a joke eh!)
---------------------------
33
NAMES OF THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW HAD NAMES
1.
AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
2.
ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
3.
CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
4.
COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
5.
DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for
decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.
6.
FEAT - A dangling curl of hair.
7.
FERRULE - The metal band on a pencil that holds the eraser in place.
8.
HARP - The small metal hoop that supports a lampshade.
9.
HEMIDEMISEMIQUAVER - A 64th note. (A 32nd is a demisemiquaver, and a 16th note
is a semiquaver.)
10.
JARNS,
11.
NITTLES,
12.
GRAWLIX,
13.
and QUIMP - Various squiggles used to denote cussing in comic books.
14.
KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed
through the buckle.
15.
KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives
added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.
16.
LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
17.
MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
18.
NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
19.
OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is
'asleep'.
20.
OCTOTHORPE - The symbol '#' on a telephone handset. Bell Labs' engineer Don
Macpherson created the word in the 1960s by combining octo-, as in eight, with
the name of one of his favourite athletes, 1912 Olympic decathlon champion Jim
Thorpe.
21.
OPHRYON - The space between the eyebrows on a line with the top of the eye
sockets.
22.
PEEN - The end of a hammer head opposite the striking face.
23.
PHOSPHENES - The lights you see when you close your eyes hard. Technically the
luminous impressions are due to the excitation of the retina caused by pressure
on the eyeball.
24.
PURLICUE - The space between the thumb and extended forefinger.
25.
RASCETA - Creases on the inside of the wrist.
26.
ROWEL - The revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs.
27.
SADDLE - The rounded part on the top of a matchbook.
28.
SCROOP - The rustle of silk.
29.
SNORKEL BOX - A mailbox with a protruding receiver to allow people to deposit
mail without leaving their cars.
30.
SPRAINTS - Otter dung.
31.
TANG - The projecting prong on a tool or instrument.
32.
WAMBLE - Stomach rumbling.
33.
ZARF - A holder for a handleless coffee cup..
--------------
From
friends in the UK on Canadian Humour....
Canadian
Humour
Canadian
humour is terrific. In fact many of the really great North American comedic (or
even serious) actors are Canadians - something that a lot of Americans (US) do
not realise. Not to mention scores of other famous people. I believe Canada is
actually invading the world on the quiet.
Montreal
has a major, world-ranking comedy festival every year. Montral Comedy Festival.
Canadians
are not afraid to poke fun at themselves and especially their politicians. Much
of the humour is regional but it still translates well across the country.
Canadians
are not too shy about poking fun at others either, especiall the neighbour to
the south. When we lived in the US political humour was fairly muted. Jon
Stewart and his fellow late night hosts have managed to make huge inroads but
it is still quite a way behind the cutting satire of Canadian political humour.
Pantomime
A word of warning. If you see that there is a panto on at the local theatre do
not expect the kind of interactive, gender bending, innuendo strewn
performances we are used to in the UK. It will be a much milder version.
------------------
Pls... don't forget
.
wear red on fridays to support our troops.
.
support sites and donations and just support...
.
CHARLESTON, W.Va. (WSAZ) -- The Wounded Warrior Ministry is working to help men
and women wounded in the military.
The
group is collecting items service men and women need, and shipping it overseas
to a medical center in Landstuhl, Germany.
It's
the last stop for wounded warriors, before they come back to America.
You
can help the cause by sending the items listed below, only new items can be
accepted.
Phone
cards - Domestic only with no expiration date
Long sleeve t-shirts/shirts L-XL-M-S (in this order)
Short sleeve t-shirts L-M
Pajama pants (men's sizes L, XL, M (in this order)
Men's ankle socks
Men's t-shirts L, M (not undershirts)
Men's Slippers (slip-on, non-slip) sizes 8-14
Men's Athletic Shoes sizes 9-11
Women's t-shirts S, M, L, XL
Bras/Sports bras sizes 32-38
Small hand-held mirrors
Nail clippers
Travel size Gold Bond Powder
Travel size shower gel
Hand-held electronic games
Healthy snack bars, chocolate, and candy
DVDs (no extreme violence or nudity - no VHS tapes)
iTunes Cards
iPod Shuffles
Long sleeve t-shirts/shirts L-XL-M-S (in this order)
Short sleeve t-shirts L-M
Pajama pants (men's sizes L, XL, M (in this order)
Men's ankle socks
Men's t-shirts L, M (not undershirts)
Men's Slippers (slip-on, non-slip) sizes 8-14
Men's Athletic Shoes sizes 9-11
Women's t-shirts S, M, L, XL
Bras/Sports bras sizes 32-38
Small hand-held mirrors
Nail clippers
Travel size Gold Bond Powder
Travel size shower gel
Hand-held electronic games
Healthy snack bars, chocolate, and candy
DVDs (no extreme violence or nudity - no VHS tapes)
iTunes Cards
iPod Shuffles
For
more information, you can contact Sgilkeson @ aol.com.
....
Wounded Warrior Project (WWP) Applauds Senate for
Adding the Dignified Treatment of Wounded Warriors Act to the National Defense
Authorization Act By A Unanimous Vote
--
"Dignified Treatment of Wounded Warriors Act" Contains Multiple
Provisions Proposed by WWP --
Provisions Proposed by WWP --
JACKSONVILLE, Fla., July 12 /PRNewswire/ -- By a unanimous vote, the
Senate voted
today to add the Dignified Treatment of Wounded Warriors Act
to the
National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2008.
The
legislation, written in consultation with Wounded Warrior Project,
addresses
many of the problems identified by WWP alumni, current patients
and family
members.
"By
passing this legislation, the Senate is telling our nation's
wounded
warriors that they have heard their concerns and are ready to take
appropriate
actions to ensure that these brave men and women are taken care
of,"
said WWP Executive Director, John Melia. "We are very pleased with the
overall
legislation and look forward to working with members of the
conference
committee to have this bill enacted into law."
The
"Dignified Treatment of Wounded Warriors Act was strongly supported
by Senators
Levin (D-MI), McCain (R-AZ), Akaka (D- HA), Craig (R-ID),
Warner (R-
VA), Clinton (D-NY) and others. The bill's most significant
initiative
would create an overlap of DOD and VA benefits to allow wounded
warriors to
benefit from the strengths of both systems without having to
choose access
to one over the other. Additional provisions included in the
legislation
would require the Department of Defense (DOD) to adopt a
Pre-Deployment Cognitive Assessment tool to
help diagnose Traumatic Brain
Injury or
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in returning servicemembers.
Additionally,
it would require DOD to work with the Department of Veterans
Affairs (VA)
on developing a caregiver training program for family members
of brain
injured servicemembers and reform the disability evaluation and
ratings
system that military personnel must navigate prior to retirement
from service.
The
amendment also includes important provisions written by members of
the Senate
Veterans Affairs Committee intended to improve the quality of
care provided
by the VA for traumatic brain injury patients as well as
easing the
path to care provided in the private sector.
About
Wounded Warrior Project
Wounded
Warrior Project (WWP) is a non-profit organization aimed at
assisting
those men and women of the United States armed forces who have
been severely
injured during the war on terrorism in Iraq, Afghanistan and
other hot
spots around the world. Beginning at the bedside of the severely
wounded, WWP
provides programs and services designated to ease the burdens
of these
heroes and their families, aid in the recovery process and smooth
the
transition back to civilian life. For more information, please call
(904) 296-
7350 or visit www .
woundedwarriorproject . org
SOURCE Wounded Warrior Project
uk
www
. supportoursoldiers .co .uk/
canada
www
. woundedwarriors . ca
usa
army- wounded warrior
www
. aw2 . army . mil/
-----------------
Joke
from the net, modified for boaters...
70°
Fahrenheit / 21° C
Floridians turn off their air conditioners,
Canadians turn on .
50° Fahrenheit / 10° Celsius
Floridians dig out their sweaters,
Canadian "snowbirds" cruise the ICW in bikinis.
40° Fahrenheit / 4° Celsius
U.S. weathermen talk about the "cold",
Canadians have the last sail of the season.
30° Fahrenheit / -1° Celsius
American water freezes,
Canadians drive with the windows down.
20° Fahrenheit / -7° Celsius
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat,
Florida orange growers panic,
Canadians put away the barbeque.
-20° Fahrenheit / -1° Celsius
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole,
Ottawa canal opens for skating.
-173° Fahrenheit / -114° Celsius
Ethyl alcohol freezes,
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the beer keg.
-460° Fahrenheit / -273° Celsius
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops,
Canadians start saying "cold eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit / -295° Celsius
Hell freezes over,
Toronto Maple Leafs win Stanley Cup.
Floridians turn off their air conditioners,
Canadians turn on .
50° Fahrenheit / 10° Celsius
Floridians dig out their sweaters,
Canadian "snowbirds" cruise the ICW in bikinis.
40° Fahrenheit / 4° Celsius
U.S. weathermen talk about the "cold",
Canadians have the last sail of the season.
30° Fahrenheit / -1° Celsius
American water freezes,
Canadians drive with the windows down.
20° Fahrenheit / -7° Celsius
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat,
Florida orange growers panic,
Canadians put away the barbeque.
-20° Fahrenheit / -1° Celsius
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole,
Ottawa canal opens for skating.
-173° Fahrenheit / -114° Celsius
Ethyl alcohol freezes,
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the beer keg.
-460° Fahrenheit / -273° Celsius
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops,
Canadians start saying "cold eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit / -295° Celsius
Hell freezes over,
Toronto Maple Leafs win Stanley Cup.
------------------
Canadian Water Quiz
What is the world's largest freshwater
lake?
Where is the world's largest island in a
freshwater lake?
What is the world's largest inland
waterway open to ocean shipping?
What is the largest animal on earth, and
where can it be found?
Where
is the longest covered bridge in the world?
What country has the world's longest
coastline?
Which of the five Great Lakes on the
U.S.A./Canada border is the deepest?
What province has the highest percentage
of households recycling cans?
What is the highest lake in Canada
larger than 100 sq. km.?
What
is Canada's largest city in area?
Which Canadian city has the most people?
Which city has the highest population
density?
Which city has the largest agricultural
economy?
What is Canada's longest river? What
ocean does it flow into?
What
is the name of Canada's largest "sea" island?
What province or territory has the
largest area of fresh water?
Which major city has the most annual
precipitation (rain and snow)? Snow?
How many time zones span Canada?
What islands surrounded completely by
Canada belong to another country?
What
percentage of the world's fresh water is in Canada?
Which of the Great Lakes is not in
Canada?
What is the value of the Looney
(Canadian dollar)?
What is the largest lake entirely inside
Canada's borders?
What is the deepest lake in Canada?
What
is the highest mountain in Canada, the second-highest in North America, and the
largest curcumference of any mountain on Earth?
*****ANSWERS****
Answers to Canadian Water Quiz
Lake Superior (82,103 km²) is the
largest freshwater lake in the world.
Manitoulin Island (2,765 km²) in Lake
Huron is the largest island in a freshwater lake.
St. Lawrence Seaway (3,790 km from
Anticosti Island to the head of Lake Superior, about 3000 mi) is the world's
largest inland waterway open to ocean shipping.
The blue whale is the largest animal on
earth (up to 27 m and 132 tonnes) and lives in Canadian waters, mainly along
the East Coast.
Hartland,
New Brunswick has the longest covered bridge in the world (391 m).
Canada has the longest coastlines of any
country in the world (58,509 km excluding islands, 243,792 km including all
measurable islands).
Lake Superior, with a maximum depth of 405
m is the deepest Great Lake. Lake Michigan is second at 281 m.
Ontario has 93.3% of households
recycling metal cans.
7.6% of Canada's area is fresh water,
about 755,180 km² (291,577 mi²).
Edmonton,
Alberta is the largest city by area - 9536.63 km²
Toronto, Ontario has the largest
population at 4,263,757 (1996 census).
Montreal, Quebec is the city with the
highest population density at 826.6 per square kilometre.
Ottawa, Ontario has the largest
agricultural economy, matching Prince Edward Island. After amalgamation 90% of
Ottawa's land base is rural.
The Mackenzie River is Canada's longest
river at 4,241 km - it flows into the Arctic Ocean. Yukon River 3,185 km long
flows into the Pacific Ocean. The St. Lawrence River 3,058 km flows into the
Atlantic Ocean.
Baffin
Island is the largest sea island 507,451 km&178;.
Quebec has 176,928 km² fresh water
inside its borders, more than any other province or territory, and is second
only to Nunavut in land area.
Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island is
the city with the most annual snow at 338.7 cm (11.1 ft) with Quebec City close
behind. St. Johns, Newfoundland has the most precipitation at 1,482 mm (4.6
ft), followed closely by Halifax, Nova Scotia.
6 time zones span Canada.
Saint Pierre and Miquelon, and 6 other
tiny islands 25 km (16 mi) south of Newfoundland, belong to France.
25%
(22,700 cu.km., 6 quadrillion gallons) of the world's freshwater in lakes is in
the Great Lakes (sharing "first place" with Lake Baykal, Russia).
Canadian rivers discharge close to 9% of the world's renewable water supply
(replenished by precipitation on a short-term basis).
Lake Michigan is not in Canada.
A Canadian dollar is about the same
value as a U.S. dollar Dec/2007 ( currency exchange rates site).
Great Bear Lake (31 328 km2) in the
Northwest Territories is the largest lake situated entirely in Canada.
Great Slave is 614 metres deep - 6th
deepest in the world.
Chilko Lake, B.C. is the highest
major-sized lake at 1,171 metres. Its area is 158 sq. km.
Mt. Logan, Yukon is the highest in
Canada, second-highest in North America (5,959 metres, 19,550 ft.), and has the
largest base curcumference of any mountain on Earth.
... AND
If
you got 15 correct, you are amazing. If
you are a Canadian visitor, you are REALLY amazing. Less than 10? HEY... THX FOR TRYING.
Bonus
Answer:
Tory Allan, of Creelman, Saskatchewan, averaged 60 kilometres an hour to skim over the water for more than 25 kilometres, breaking the old world record of 19 kilometres.
Tory Allan, of Creelman, Saskatchewan, averaged 60 kilometres an hour to skim over the water for more than 25 kilometres, breaking the old world record of 19 kilometres.
---------------------
Teaching
sailing...
(This
was a story told by a professor. It was presented as truth, but I have my
doubts.)
A
high school teacher applied for work at all the high schools in his city, and
was hired by an exclusive all-girls school to teach sex ed. Not wanting to have
to explain to his wife that he'd be discussing sex all day with schoolgirls, he
told her he'd been hired to teach sailing.
"But
you don't know anything about sailing!"
"Teaching
is easy--you just have to stay one step ahead of the class and you'll be
fine."
The
wife was unconvinced, but wanted to be supportive, so she went to the school on
the first day of class and waited outside the door for class to end. Class let
out, and wave after wave of girls streamed out, talking about what a great teacher
they had. The wife stopped one of the girls and asked, "What did you think
of the teacher?"
"Oh,
he's great! He really knows his stuff--you can tell he has a lot of
experience."
"Really?
That's interesting--he's only gone twice, once he fell off and once he lost his
hat."
-------------
PANEL REPORT: DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL
From
the onset, the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy established seventeen years ago
under the Clinton Administration has been controversial.
Over
the last several years this panel has analyzed the policy and conducted
thorough observations of militaries all over the world. The panel has come to
the conclusion that the policy is outdated and needs to be modified by all
branches of the armed forces, with the exception of the 223rd Tactical
Heterosexual Artillery Brigade, for obvious reasons.
REASONS
WE SHOULD ALTER THE CURRENT POLICY:
·
Of
NATO's 26 member nations, 22 currently permit openly gay individuals to serve.
France has gone so far as to demand that all their soldiers be bi-curious in
the event of a long siege.
·
In
the European Union, only Greece forbids homosexuals from serving. This strikes
the panel as weird because they have an island called "Lesbos" and
all the famous ancient Greek military guys were super gay. Especially
Transvesticles.
·
Russia
and China outright forbid homosexuals from serving, so when we go to war with
Russia and China we'll be able to rally gay troops by pointing and saying,
"Those guys hate your freedoms and your alternative lifestyle.
Charge!"
·
In
the seventeen years the policy has been in effect, over 13,000 members of the
armed services have been discharged. These are soldiers who were trained at
great expense to the taxpayer and who we will need to shoot at other people
when the Mayans attack in 2012.
·
Numerous
studies have offered conclusive proof that air-to-ground missiles are deadly
regardless of the sexual orientation of the launch-button-pusher.
·
People
should probably be used to the idea seeing as Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. aired over
40 years ago.
BENEFITS
OF ALTERING THE CURRENT POLICY:
The
Don't Ask Don't Tell policy runs the risk of inciting gay soldiers to be like
Oscar Wilde and say outrageously witty things to their superiors. This is not
good for discipline.
Assuming
they live up to the stereotype, gay soldiers will make the barracks more
comfortable by color-coordinating things. We also believe they have access to
discounts on scented candles that the heterosexual community does not.
While
their straight counterparts are off-base getting drunk and impregnating Okinawans,
gay soldiers will use their weekend passes to quietly go antiquing.
When
observing enemy troops via Predator drone, it'd be cool to have someone in the
room who can come up with hilariously caustic comments about their wardrobe,
like those guys on the Bravo network.
The
United States Government could sell Don't Ask, Don't Tell to the Las Vegas
tourism bureau, and recoup some of the cost of discharging 13,000 perfectly
good soldiers.
PANEL
RECOMMENDATIONS:
We
recommend not kicking gay people out of the armed forces unless they insist on
running around in chaps when they're supposed to be sniping the enemy.
We
recommend coming up with a catchy name for this new policy of not caring about
the sexual orientation of soldiers because all governmental policies need a
catchy name. Some ideas:
Operation
About Face.
Let's
Just Focus On Killing The Bad Guys, Then.
OK,
But Not In The Humvee.
------------------
INTERNET MARKETING BRILLIANCE... (check this page out and see the
ad....oh yeah!) www . banterist . com/archivefiles/000678 . html
This
is an excellent internet advertisement for ClassesUSA that I tripped
over recently. It does all the things an advertisement should do, and it does
them well. I know this because for many years I worked in advertising.
RULE
#1: A GOOD AD ALWAYS MENTIONS THAT THE
PRESIDENT WANTS YOU TO DO SOMETHING
Everyone
loves a president, except for roughly half of the population who did not vote
for him. But for the ones who did? They love when the president tells them what
he wants them to do. With the exception, I suppose, of those folks who don't
like political figures telling them what to do.
RULE #2: A GOOD AD TARGETS PEOPLE OTHER THAN U
I
personally love it when an ad targets someone other than the person looking at
it. It makes me feel good to know there are other people in the world who are
different than I am, and I enjoy seeing ads directed at them. In this case, the
ad is targeting child-bearing moms who are receptive to President Obama wanting
them to buy an arguably worthless college degree from a meagerly accredited,
shady online university.
It's
odd because the advertiser is owned by Experian, the corporate behemoth that
tracks all of us and our credit histories. They could probably very easily
discern who I am and everything about me by looking at their vast electronic
library of stored information. Instead they show me an ad targeting
under-educated, subservient moms. Kudos.
RULE #3: A GOOD AD HAS THE PICTURE OF A FREAKISH CHARLES MANSON TYPE WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THE HEADLINE
Obama
wants moms to go back to school? Homeless man mugshot. It makes perfect sense
to me. You might expect to see a photo of a mom. Or a woman of some sort,
anyway. Someone who might tie in to the headline. No way. This is a good ad,
and a good ad doesn't bother with that. A good ad wants you to go, "What
the hell?" as you look at a what could easily be a pedophile's mugshot.
So
there you have it. A brilliant ad concocted by marketing geniuses somewhere out
there in the vast Internet. Or maybe in Boise, at some marketing firm located
in a step-mom's basement. It makes me want to get back into advertising.
Bonus
points for the mouse-type at the bottom. It's a legal disclaimer for a
testimonial that's not actually in the ad.
---------------
HUMOUR.. CONT...
Peacekeepers 2: Tactical
Observation for the Xbox
The
much-anticipated sequel to Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment expands the
franchise from bureaucratic decision-making to all-out observation with
binoculars.
PROS:
Realistic, indecisive AI • Responsive binoculars • Blue hats • Sound design
Realistic, indecisive AI • Responsive binoculars • Blue hats • Sound design
CONS:
Can't understand what Ban Ki- moon is saying half the time
Can't understand what Ban Ki- moon is saying half the time
At the end of Peacekeepers: Prompt Deployment, players left an eight-hour committee meeting wondering "What next?" Well, I'm happy to report that Peacekeepers 2:Tactical Observation picks up from that exact point and answers the question in no uncertain terms: "I don't know. Let's watch and see."
At
the game open the player finds himself (girls don't play video games) in an
immersive world of realistic bureaucracy coupled with a can-do spirit that's
kept in check by the special interests of the Security Council.
While
locked in intense negotiations with the Russians and Chinese, the player must
make concessions that allow the Russians to freely annex the Republic of
Georgia while the Chinese censor Google and execute dissidents. This is done by
pressing the X button repeatedly for 27 minutes. After those and other
concessions have been made and Sino-Russian obstacles removed, an agreement is
reached that UN peacekeeping forces will be sent to the troubled region of
Sudanistan. This fictional nation, which is based on current events, has been
struggling under a civil war and the cruel oppression of a theocratic
government that is not Islamic.
After
issuing a resolution condemning Israel for something, troops are dispatched to
the region - and that's when the fun really starts.
From
high up in your tower you can scan the horizon with some of the most realistic
binoculars in any video game to-date. The binoculars can zoom in and out, focus
and be stored in a dust-proof box, just like real binoculars. Want to see
what's going on over to the left? Just push your controller's left stick to the
left. What about to the right? Just push your controller's stick to the right.
If you're so inclined, you can keep turning to the right until you've gone a
full 360 degrees - allowing you to see everything around you!
The
developers have gone to great lengths to recreate what you might see in your
binoculars. It might be a rusty car. A sheep. An old boot. Perhaps a shrub.
Ooh! Did you just see gun-toting militiamen? Nope, it's a group of happy school
children carrying an easel.
On
the odd occasion when you do see something truly out of the ordinary you have
the ability to either watch it or look somewhere else. If you watch it, you'll
be asked to file a detailed report which will then be placed in a manila
folder. In one instance, I thought for sure that I was watching several people
being executed by government paramilitary forces. I used the right trigger to
phone my superiors who repeatedly asked me if I was sure that's what I saw.
When I hung up, there was no trace of the gunmen or victims - if there even
were any - so I focused my amazing binoculars on a feral dog I saw rummaging
through highly detailed trash. Again, the designers spared no expense.
One
of the things I like most about Peacekeepers 2 is that you don't have guns. I
mean - sure, you have guns (if you select the third-person viewing option you
will see one slung over your shoulder) but you don't actually use them. They
just exist to try and deter bad behavior. The game design is so detailed that
if you turn the right way sunlight reflects off of your constantly-shouldered
rifle.
In
the end, Peacekeepers 2: Tactical Observation is the most realistic
first-person non-shooter on the market. With two games under their belt
already, the developers have such a head start on the competition that it'll be
a miracle if anyone else manages to break into this genre. We'll see how
Activision fares in 2011 with the release of Recalled from Duty: Modern Troop
Withdrawal.
--------------
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