Canada fun... and jokes..
Joke
time..posted the first one to my beloved
troops... taken from myspace back in
early 2005 and 2006, 2007
--------------------
I
would like to share an old Native Canadian chant.
Each
year, during the first week of April, the Native Canadians would wake up at
sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They repeated this powerful chant
primarily for three very important reasons:
1.
To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families
fed all year;
2.
To ward off harm/evil;
3.
And gain great wisdom. It goes like this:
Oooooh
waaaaah (pause)
Taaaaa
foooooo (pause)
Lie
aaaammmm (pause)
Now
repeat it without the pause.
As
you repeat it more often and more quickly, its message becomes clear and you
will become wise! Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!!
--------------------------------
J'aimerais
partager un vieux chant canadien Natal. Chaque an, pendant la première semaine
d'avril, les Canadiens Natals se réveilleraient au lever du soleil et répètent
leur chant maintes et maintes fois. Ils ont répété ce chant puissant
principalement pour trois raisons très importantes :
1. Pour garantir que leurs récoltes sont
abondantes et les gardera et leurs familles ont nourri toute l'année ;
2. Pour éviter le mal/mal ;
3. Et gagner la
grande sagesse. Il va comme ceci :
Oooooh waaaaah (la pause)
Taaaaa foooooo (la pause)
aaaammmm de
Mensonge (la pause)
le répète Maintenant sans la pause. Comme vous
le répétez plus souvent et plus rapidement, son message s'éclaircit et vous
deviendrez sage ! L'essayer. Il travaille très bien et très rapidement ! !
-----------------------------------
50°F
- New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.
40°F - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35°F - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32°F - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20°F - Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt.
15°F - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
0°F - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
-10°F - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles to see if their tongue will stick.
-20°F - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
-40°F - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent some videos.
-60°F - Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door.
-80°F - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-100°F - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173°F - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-297°F - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460°F - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500°F - Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
40°F - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.
35°F - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.
32°F - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.
20°F - Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt.
15°F - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.
0°F - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.
-10°F - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles to see if their tongue will stick.
-20°F - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.
-40°F - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent some videos.
-60°F - Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door.
-80°F - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.
-100°F - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173°F - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-297°F - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
-460°F - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
-500°F - Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
-----------------------------------
An
elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North
Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the
United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with
her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
---------------------
A
guy sitting was at an airport bar and noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to
him. He thought to himself, Wow, she is so gorgeous, she must be a flight
attendant.
So he decides to scoot towards her and try to pick her up, but couldn't think of a pick up line.
After thinking for a while, he turns towards her and says, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, Oh crap, she mustn't fly for Delta.
So he thinks of something else and says, "Something special in the air?"
She gives him the same confused look. He thinks, Damn! She must not fly for American.
So next he says, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies."
When suddenly the woman, irritated beyond belief with this guy, barks out, "Man, what the hell do you want?"
The man in a relieved voice says "Ahhh, Air Canada."
So he decides to scoot towards her and try to pick her up, but couldn't think of a pick up line.
After thinking for a while, he turns towards her and says, "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, Oh crap, she mustn't fly for Delta.
So he thinks of something else and says, "Something special in the air?"
She gives him the same confused look. He thinks, Damn! She must not fly for American.
So next he says, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies."
When suddenly the woman, irritated beyond belief with this guy, barks out, "Man, what the hell do you want?"
The man in a relieved voice says "Ahhh, Air Canada."
-----------------------------
An
Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."
The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."
The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."
The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."
----------------------
A
Scotsman was visiting a museum of natural history in Canada when he came upon a
huge stuffed bull moose with enormous antlers.
Surprised, he exclaimed in his Scottish burr, "Woots that!?"
When told by the curator that is was a moose, he replied, "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see your caats!"
Surprised, he exclaimed in his Scottish burr, "Woots that!?"
When told by the curator that is was a moose, he replied, "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see your caats!"
------------------------------
So,
what do Canadians have to be proud of?
1.
Smarties
2.
Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
3.
The size of our football fields and one less down
4.
Baseball is Canadian
5.
Lacrosse is Canadian
6.
Hockey is Canadian
7.
Basketball is Canadian
8.
Apple pie is Canadian
9.
Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers' ass
10.
Tim Horton’s kicks Dunkin' Donuts' ass
11.
In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans
back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington,
under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the
time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied ... Go
figure...
12.
Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13.
We have the largest English population that never, ever surrendered or withdrew
during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14.
Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15.
The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary,
who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get
caught.
16.
We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17.
The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
around as the world's oldest company.
18.
The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3
minutes.
19.
We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20.
We don't marry our kin-folk.
21.
We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis,
the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22.
We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
BUT
MOST IMPORTANT!
23.
....the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts
on.
------------------------------
OOOOoohhhhh
Canada!!
Oh
yeah... and our elections only take one day.
A
Canadian is someone who drinks Brazilian coffee from an English teacup and
munches a French pastry while sitting on their Danish furniture having just
come home from an Italian movie in their German car.
He/She picks up their Japanese pen and writes to their Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-over of the Canadian publishing business.
He/She picks up their Japanese pen and writes to their Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-over of the Canadian publishing business.
---------------------------
The
Spanish Conquistadores were making a map of their colonies (they owned all of
America, South and North). They started drawing in the lines from down south -
territory they knew well - and worked their way up.
Everything was going fine until they got to the New York area. "Hey, what's up there?" the map maker asked the governor, pointing to the vast emptiness above the Great Lakes.
The governor answered: "Here? (in Spanish: "Aca?"). Nothing (in Spanish: "Nada").
Hence the great blank emptiness became known as ACA-NADA, or in English, "There ain't nothin' here."
Which, as anyone who has lived in Canada will testify, is pretty darned close to the truth. Eh?
Everything was going fine until they got to the New York area. "Hey, what's up there?" the map maker asked the governor, pointing to the vast emptiness above the Great Lakes.
The governor answered: "Here? (in Spanish: "Aca?"). Nothing (in Spanish: "Nada").
Hence the great blank emptiness became known as ACA-NADA, or in English, "There ain't nothin' here."
Which, as anyone who has lived in Canada will testify, is pretty darned close to the truth. Eh?
--------------------------------
There
once was an Ontarian who's life long dream it was to be a Newfie. One day, the
man finally got the guts to go and see his doctor about it. The doctor examined
him and gave him the prognosis, "Well, if you really want to be a Newfie
there is a surgery I can perform, but I have to remove 1/3 of your brain."
The Ontarian was so excited, he agreed to do it right away.
During the surgery however, the doctor's hand slipped. The doctor was so upset that he sat next to the man in the recovery room until he woke up. Finally the Ontarian woke up. The doctor immediately explain what happened, and told the Ontarian, "I am so sorry sir, my hand slipped during the surgery and I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain instead of 1/3."
The Ontarian looked confused and replied "Que ce que vous dit monsuier?"
During the surgery however, the doctor's hand slipped. The doctor was so upset that he sat next to the man in the recovery room until he woke up. Finally the Ontarian woke up. The doctor immediately explain what happened, and told the Ontarian, "I am so sorry sir, my hand slipped during the surgery and I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain instead of 1/3."
The Ontarian looked confused and replied "Que ce que vous dit monsuier?"
--------------------------------
An
American is at a restaurant one morning having his coffee and a croissant with
jam, when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American
ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Canadian: "Do you Americans eat the whole bread, eh?"
American): "Of course we do."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside, eh. The crusts are collected in a container, recycled into croissants, and sold to America, eh."
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread, eh?"
American: "Of Course we do."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't, eh. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America, eh."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do, eh", the Canadian says with a big smirk on his face.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, eh."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Canada."
Canadian: "Do you Americans eat the whole bread, eh?"
American): "Of course we do."
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside, eh. The crusts are collected in a container, recycled into croissants, and sold to America, eh."
The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence.
The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread, eh?"
American: "Of Course we do."
Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't, eh. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to America, eh."
The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"
Canadian: "Why of course we do, eh", the Canadian says with a big smirk on his face.
American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Canadian: "We throw them away, eh."
American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Canada."
-----------------------------
A
Canadian and an American were hunting in Canadian woods when an Indian runs
across the field and the Canadian shoots him in the back and kills him.
"You can't do that!" cried the American. "No, no, it's legal
here in Canada" replies the Canadian.
Later that night the American goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an Indian runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The American thinks "No problem" and he shoots him in the back and kills him. As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot Indians here in Canada!" protests the American.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
Later that night the American goes and buys some beer and puts it on the roof of his truck to open the door. Just then an Indian runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away. The American thinks "No problem" and he shoots him in the back and kills him. As he is getting his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot Indians here in Canada!" protests the American.
"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."
-------------------------
Dear
Diary:
Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada... it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. Blasted snow plough.
Dec. 22 - More of that white muck fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry Blasted Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the blasted ice.
Dec. 27 - More white muck last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white muck and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the muck again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That blasted weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the muck this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the muck he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his blasted head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those blasted beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that blasted salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.
Oct. 14 - Canada... it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!
Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!
Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!
Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. Blasted snow plough.
Dec. 22 - More of that white muck fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling the driveway. Asshole.
Dec. 25 - Merry Blasted Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the blasted ice.
Dec. 27 - More white muck last night. Been inside for three days now except for shovelling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white muck and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the muck again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?
Dec. 28 - That blasted weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the muck this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shovelling out all the muck he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his blasted head.
Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those blasted beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.
May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that blasted salt they put all over the roads.
May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!
----------------------------------
A
Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Buffalo are out riding horses. The Texan
pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and
suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle
in mid air.
The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.
The guy from Buffalo can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? that was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Buffalo pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!"
The guy from Buffalo says, "Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel."
The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.
The guy from Buffalo can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? that was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Buffalo pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!"
The guy from Buffalo says, "Well, in Buffalo, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel."
---------------------------
An
American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost. Finally they cane
into some city. They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the gentleman pulled
up to the curb, and the lady let down her window and asked: "Excuse me,
sir. Where are we?"
The
gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The
lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are
lost. They don't even speak English here!"
-----------------------------
Have
you ever heard anyone say "Canadians are just like Americans. What's the
difference?" Here's a few of the more subtle answers. The Brits are
included as a control group.
*Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
*Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
*Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
*Americans: Care very deeply about civil rights & preserving them; to extreme degrees in some cases.
*Brits: More concerned about an orderly society than a free one.
*Canadians: Couldn't care less about these things, especially when they "have nothing to hide".
*Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
*Brits: Believes everyone should act according to their place in the social structure.
*Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
*Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
*Brits: Still haven't gotten over the fact that their Empire is so diminished, although most of the time, it doesn't show.
*Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem -- when they can be bothered to sing them, that is.
*Americans: Are deeply religious, or make a strong point of posturing as such.
*Brits: Celebrate the fact that they have an "official" religion.
*Canadians: Are somewhat less religious, and keep it to themselves.
*Americans: Believe rudeness is the most efficient of travel manners.
*Brits: Stiff upper lip -- often mistaken for coolness.
*Canadians: Do their best to be polite to others.
*Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box (computer or TV).
*Brits: Only have two channels, both of which are very boring.
*Canadians: Don't watch much TV but only because they can't get more American channels.
*Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
*Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
*Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
*Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
*Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
*Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans once, playing baseball.
*Americans: Are loud, boisterous, obnoxious as tourists.
*Brits: Are very conservative tourists, especially with a pound.
*Canadians: Are polite, low-profile, sensitive (perhaps even timid) tourists.
*Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
*Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
*Canadians: Spell English words like the Brits, but pronounce them like Parisians.
*Americans: Are afraid to walk the street of their large cities at night.
*Brits: Sensibly stay home at night instead of going out.
*Canadians: Don't have all that many large cities to walk in anyway.
*Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.
*Brits: Are suspect of all imported goods.
*Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.
*Americans: Tend to think that guns are very cool, and fun too.
*Brits: Since not even the police are armed, what more can one say.
*Canadians: Aren't quite sure how they work. Safer and easier to make them illegal.
*Americans: Think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
*Brits: Believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
*Canadians: Believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
*Americans: Are awed by wealth and success.
*Brits: Cannot be awed by anything.
*Canadians: Are awed by correctness and mediocrity.
*Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old ways.
*Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
*Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation.
*Americans: Are disliked everywhere in the world, with the exception of Canada.
*Brits: Are misunderstood everywhere.
*Canadians: Are tolerated everywhere in the world; frequently even liked -- with the exception of America, Somalia, and places where the Airborne have been.
*Americans: Don't want to endure any unpleasant weather anywhere.
*Brits: Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it.
*Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.
*Americans: Think that all great comedians are American.
*Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour.
*Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Lorne Michaels, Jim Carrey, Michael O'Donohue and Dan Akroyd.
*Americans: Are obsessed with the President, his family, and his sex life.
*Brits: Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadillos.
*Canadians: Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a Canadian girl .
*Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their citizens.
*Brits: Remind Americans and Canadians that they all got their start in the Mother Country.
*Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were actually Canadian.
*Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
*Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
*Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
*Americans: Care very deeply about civil rights & preserving them; to extreme degrees in some cases.
*Brits: More concerned about an orderly society than a free one.
*Canadians: Couldn't care less about these things, especially when they "have nothing to hide".
*Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
*Brits: Believes everyone should act according to their place in the social structure.
*Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
*Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
*Brits: Still haven't gotten over the fact that their Empire is so diminished, although most of the time, it doesn't show.
*Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem -- when they can be bothered to sing them, that is.
*Americans: Are deeply religious, or make a strong point of posturing as such.
*Brits: Celebrate the fact that they have an "official" religion.
*Canadians: Are somewhat less religious, and keep it to themselves.
*Americans: Believe rudeness is the most efficient of travel manners.
*Brits: Stiff upper lip -- often mistaken for coolness.
*Canadians: Do their best to be polite to others.
*Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box (computer or TV).
*Brits: Only have two channels, both of which are very boring.
*Canadians: Don't watch much TV but only because they can't get more American channels.
*Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
*Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
*Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
*Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
*Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
*Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans once, playing baseball.
*Americans: Are loud, boisterous, obnoxious as tourists.
*Brits: Are very conservative tourists, especially with a pound.
*Canadians: Are polite, low-profile, sensitive (perhaps even timid) tourists.
*Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
*Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
*Canadians: Spell English words like the Brits, but pronounce them like Parisians.
*Americans: Are afraid to walk the street of their large cities at night.
*Brits: Sensibly stay home at night instead of going out.
*Canadians: Don't have all that many large cities to walk in anyway.
*Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.
*Brits: Are suspect of all imported goods.
*Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backward country.
*Americans: Tend to think that guns are very cool, and fun too.
*Brits: Since not even the police are armed, what more can one say.
*Canadians: Aren't quite sure how they work. Safer and easier to make them illegal.
*Americans: Think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
*Brits: Believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited.
*Canadians: Believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
*Americans: Are awed by wealth and success.
*Brits: Cannot be awed by anything.
*Canadians: Are awed by correctness and mediocrity.
*Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old ways.
*Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
*Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation.
*Americans: Are disliked everywhere in the world, with the exception of Canada.
*Brits: Are misunderstood everywhere.
*Canadians: Are tolerated everywhere in the world; frequently even liked -- with the exception of America, Somalia, and places where the Airborne have been.
*Americans: Don't want to endure any unpleasant weather anywhere.
*Brits: Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it.
*Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.
*Americans: Think that all great comedians are American.
*Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour.
*Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Lorne Michaels, Jim Carrey, Michael O'Donohue and Dan Akroyd.
*Americans: Are obsessed with the President, his family, and his sex life.
*Brits: Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadillos.
*Canadians: Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a Canadian girl .
*Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their citizens.
*Brits: Remind Americans and Canadians that they all got their start in the Mother Country.
*Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were actually Canadian.
-------------------------
This
is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a U.S. Naval ship with
Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Canadian: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, I say again, that's one five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
-------------------------------
A
newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day.
She gets up the next day and it's raining.
It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair asks, "Hey,
kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The boy says, "How should I know? I'm only 6!"
She gets up the next day and it's raining.
It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair asks, "Hey,
kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"
The boy says, "How should I know? I'm only 6!"
---------------------------------
Three
Canadians and three Americans are travelling by train to a hockey game. At the
station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians
buy only a single ticket. "How are you three guys going to travel on only
one ticket?" asks one American. "Watch and you'll see" answers
one of the Canadians.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says " Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadian's trick on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy any tickets at all! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see" answers a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into one bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves their bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says "Tickets, please!"
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the bathroom door and says " Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadian's trick on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy any tickets at all! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see" answers a Canadian.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into one bathroom and the three Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby. Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves their bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door, and says "Tickets, please!"
------------------------------------
Three
expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian, were in the
hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good
news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of
a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three
new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican
baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the
Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."
"I
know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get
the Canadian kid."
----------------------
In
a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde
and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the
train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a
slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark
on his cheek.
The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The American thought - "That bastard Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".
The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The American thought - "That bastard Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".
------------------------------
An
American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all
brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they
arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred
and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what
happened.
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth.
So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
---------------------------
You
know you're a Canadian when...
01. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
02. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
03. You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".
04. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
05. You drink pop, not soda.
06. You know what it means to be on pogey.
07. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean, "Party at the camp, eh!"
08. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
09. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba; it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
16. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
17. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
18. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
19. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that".
20. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
21. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
22. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
23. You participated in "Participaction".
24. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
25. You wonder why there isn't a 5-dollar coin yet.
26. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
27. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
28. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
29. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
30. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
31. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
32. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
33. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
34. You know what a toque is.
35. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
36. You know Toronto is not a province.
37. You never miss "Coaches Corner" [We Bostonians know all about Grapes too :-) ].
38. Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
39. You use "elastics", not rubber bands.
40. Your "SO-rry", not sawry.
41. Your Mother is your Mum, not your Mom.
42. You know the words of "The Star Spangled Banner" from all the hockey games you've watched on TV.
43. You see "Dunh da Dunh da Daaah" and immediately think of the "Hockey Night in Canada" anthem.
44. You honestly believe Smarties are better than M&M's, and can taste the difference.
01. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
02. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
03. You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".
04. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
05. You drink pop, not soda.
06. You know what it means to be on pogey.
07. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean, "Party at the camp, eh!"
08. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
09. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba; it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
16. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
17. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
18. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
19. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that".
20. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
21. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
22. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
23. You participated in "Participaction".
24. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
25. You wonder why there isn't a 5-dollar coin yet.
26. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
27. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
28. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
29. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
30. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
31. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
32. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
33. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
34. You know what a toque is.
35. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
36. You know Toronto is not a province.
37. You never miss "Coaches Corner" [We Bostonians know all about Grapes too :-) ].
38. Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
39. You use "elastics", not rubber bands.
40. Your "SO-rry", not sawry.
41. Your Mother is your Mum, not your Mom.
42. You know the words of "The Star Spangled Banner" from all the hockey games you've watched on TV.
43. You see "Dunh da Dunh da Daaah" and immediately think of the "Hockey Night in Canada" anthem.
44. You honestly believe Smarties are better than M&M's, and can taste the difference.
