WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE HAS PASSED AWAY IN CANADA
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What To Do When Someone Has Passed Away Guide
www.novascotia.ca/sns/pdf/ans-vstats-death-what-to-do-when-someone-passes-away-guide.pdf
Foreword.
When someone dies, there are many decisions and .... If you need access to bank
accounts quickly, request a copy ... Service Canada representative.
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NOVA
SCOTIA- CANADA – What you have to do when someone passes away
Contents
Foreword.....................................................................................2
First
Things..................................................................................3
Collecting the Documents You May Need....................................5
Administering an
Estate..............................................................7
Other Important
Tasks.................................................................8
Meetings to
Schedule..................................................................9
Addressing specific affairs pertaining to the
deceased................10
• Cancelling
Benefits...............................................................11
• Eligibility for Benefits............................................................13
• Cancel identity
cards.............................................................14
• Transfer or cancel Motor Vehicle permits and
certificates......15
• Cancel services and financial
contracts.................................15
• Cancel memberships and virtual
identities............................16
Arranging Bereavement Counseling and
Support........................17
Legal Words Defined.........................................................27
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BLOGS:
Seniors dying/burial/living in poverty $$$- IN CANADA-NOVA SCOTIA- Don't be afraid- God loves us old sinners- getting prepared-write ur own obit- find out $$$ 4 burial 4 poor folks/Women- ur rights/Pensions- Income- LIVING IN POVERTY HELP- One Billion Rising- girls and women matter Nova Scotia and Canada
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CANADIAN SENIORS ARE GETTING RIPPED OFF-12 Monthly 4wk cheat 2 full weeks- same 4 poverty systems- O Canada- Nova Scotia?? This is soooo 60s and this is 2014!!1 Fix it or lose our votes in 2015/Sept 25- Holy Sheeeeet Sherlock -Linda McQuaing's IPOLITICS article- real war over inequality isn't between old and young- awesome/Sep. 25- OLD AGE... POPULATIONS GLOBALLY- AND YOUTH - GLOBAL MAPS OF AGES 2014... O Canada, Africa has all the young ones and a bit Middle East - world is changing
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BLOGGED:
CANADA- NOVA SCOTIA- HUMAN RIGHTS AND FREEDOMS- A BIT OF
HISTORY OF NOVA SCOTIA
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BLOGGED:
CANADA MILITARY NEWS: Nova Scotia Domestic Violence
Shelters/BULLYCIDE-BULLY HELP SITES/Homeless Shelters/UK /Australia/Canada- u
matter- MARCH 8- INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY.... One Billion rising- breaking the
chains- no more excuses- Nova Scotia honours Warrior Woman Rita MacNeil March
8th concert of remembrance
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BLOG:
CANADA MILITARY NEWS- tips 4 DISABLED- seniors-- fire - how 2 make do and some
hints- Canada/USA/Aussie/Europe/UK etc. from dressing 2 shopping 2 living-
feeeck em all...do it your way...oops sorry Pope.
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BLOG: The Net Divide- Why
volunteers don't anymore http://nova0000scotia.blogspot.ca/2015/01/canada-military-news-internet-divide.html
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Blog: Basic Kitchen Cures of Yesteryear
http://nova0000scotia.blogspot.ca/2015/07/canada-military-news-hey-guys-everyday.html
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BLOGGED
CANADA MILITARY NEWS: Positive Thinking-Education is power...over 85% of Canadians complete their education- there are lots of jobs folks- How 2 Control your own destiny- get 2 school and retraining 2 where the real jobs are NOT THE PRETEND WANNAB- have a great life... Dale Carnegie/Jaycettes/designing courses that fit and a program Adult Education Certification was wonderful- u can do it... u can do it... jobs are there /fix u - u can /RETRAINING and more training - exciting and good 4 ur spirit and job prospect/Nation Nations- youngbloods NOT interested in joining military- conscription coming back in
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BLOGGED: CANADA MILITARY NEWS: them old folks that saved us and our Canada- some ideas and suggestions 2 make your final days seem less pain and more fun/The f**king garbage sorting and getting done 4 seniors a $$$$ mess/Exercise...yes..even moving ur toes if can- kicking disabilities ass/Why garbage become so f**king expensive to bag and sort and get done?- why aren't the big businesses doing this at the top?/kicking agism stigma's ass/let's git r done /links-always blogs and links here Canada style/ya all know us oldies ain't afraid 2 die RIGHT!!!
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ONTARIO- What to do when someone dies
Answers to common questions about what to do, and what support is available, when a loved one dies in Ontario.On this page
- Who to call first
- Organ and tissue donation
- Arrange the funeral
- Get a burial permit
- Death Registration
- Get a death certificate
- Wills and estates
- Who to notify of death
- Oversee the deceased’s finances
- FAQs
Who to call first
An expected death: call the doctor who was caring for the deceased person.An unexpected death: call emergency services first.
No available doctor/emergency services in the area: contact the local coroner’s office.
Unsure about the circumstances: contact the local coroner’s office or the Chief Coroner of Ontario.
Chief Coroner of Ontario
What if a loved one dies outside of Canada?
Organ and tissue donation
Organ and tissue donation can help enhance and save lives, and provide immediate comfort and long-lasting consolation to grieving family members.You can also choose to donate a body to science or medical research in Ontario.
More information: Trillium Gift of Life Network
More information: whole body donation
Arrange the funeral
Funeral directors can help you make arrangements for full funeral services.For more information, you can contact:
The Board of Funeral Services
Toll-free: 1-800-387-4458
Toronto: 416-979-5450
E-mail: info@funeralboard.com
Website: www.funeralboard.com
If your arrangements include burial or cremation, the cemetery or crematorium you choose can help you.
Guide: planning a funeral, burial or cremation
List: organizations that can help with grief and loss
Get a burial permit
In most cases, funeral directors can help get a burial permit.You need a burial permit before funeral services, including cremation, can be performed. You need this permit, even if the burial or other arrangements will take place outside the province.
If the death was outside Ontario, but the burial and arrangements will take place in the province, you will need a burial, transit or removal permit from the jurisdiction where the death occurred.
Death Registration
A funeral director usually oversees the process of registering a death.To register a death, a funeral director submits 2 documents to a municipal clerk’s office:
A Medical Certificate of Death: the attending doctor or a coroner completes this form, outlining the cause of death.
A Statement of Death: a family member and a funeral director complete this form, together. It includes personal information about the deceased (e.g., family history, age at death, place of death).
Information that is gathered about causes of death can be used for medical/health research or statistics.
Get a death certificate
You can apply for a death certificate at any time, but it cannot be issued until a death is registered.You may need an original or certified copy of this certificate to:
- settle an estate
- access insurance benefits
- access or cancel certain government services (e.g., health card, pension)
- research a family tree
Request a death certificate online
Wills and estates
After someone dies, you may need to check if the deceased person has a will. A will is a legal document that sets out who will inherit property, possessions and other personal items.To find out if a will has been filed: you can contact the estates division of the local Ontario court in the community where the deceased lived.
Search for Ontario court locations
With a will
If the deceased has a will, a “probate” court may or may not need to determine that it is legal.If a court determines that a will is legal, it also grants “probate” — or approves — a trustee to carry out the wishes of the deceased person. This trustee is often named in a will.
If you are named as the estate trustee (also called the “executor”), you are authorized to administer the estate of the deceased person. You are considered the deceased person’s personal representative, and will carry out their wishes as stated in the will.
For example, you might distribute assets such as a home or financial savings or donate money to charity if that is what is outlined in the will.
No will
Without a will, an estate is distributed according to the law. This can be a complex process. If you are in this situation, you might want to contact a lawyer.Lawyer Referral Service
The Law Society of Upper Canada offers a free referral service by phone.This service is designed to connect you with legal services that might be helpful to you.
You will be connected to a Legal Information Officer who can:
- assess your needs
- provide the name of a lawyer or paralegal, based on your circumstances
Law Society of Upper Canada
Law Society Referral Service
Toll-free: 1-800-268-8326
Local: 416-947-3330
Online:www.lsuc.on.ca
More on estates: Office of the Public Guardian and Trustee
Next of kin under 18 years old: Office of the Children’s Lawyer
More information: wills, executors and power of attorney
Who to notify of death
You may need to notify certain organizations or levels of government when a loved one dies, to access or cancel certain services and/or benefits.Contacts for compensation, pensions and benefits
Cancel vehicle insurance, memberships and permits
Transfer or cancel real estate, property or utilities
Cancel a driver’s licence
When you need to cancel the driver’s licence of a loved one who has died, you can also request a refund.Cancel a driver’s licence and request refund
Fill out the Application for Refund of Driver’s Licence Fee – a form available at ServiceOntario centres only. Submitting this form cancels the licence and requests a refund of the licence fee, if applicable.You’ll see space on the form for giving the name and address of the person to receive the refund. A separate letter requesting a refund is not required.
Refund cheques are mailed out 4 to 6 weeks from the date the application is submitted.
You will also need to include at least one of the accepted documents listed below.
Cancel a driver’s licence with no refund
Bring the original licence card to be cancelled and one of the accepted documents listed below to any ServiceOntario centre.Cancel a driver’s licence by mail
To cancel a driver’s licence by mail, send a copy of one of the accepted documents listed below along with the original driver’s licence card to be cancelled to the follow address:ServiceOntario
P.O. Box 9100
Kingston, Ontario
K7L 5K3
Accepted documents
Please include one or more of the following documents along with the application for a refund or – if you’re not asking for a refund – the original driver’s licence to be cancelled:- death certificate
- notification of death from police officer, judiciary or lawyer
Oversee the deceased’s finances
If you are the executor, you will need to:- file an income tax form on behalf of the deceased person
- inform the person’s banks and financial institutions of the death
- contact the Family Responsibility Office if the deceased paid child or spousal support
More on taxes: contact the Canada Revenue Agency
Contact the Family Responsibility Office
Find a bank, credit union or caisse populaire
How do I get an accountant to help me?
Frequently asked questions
- Who do I contact to transfer the ownership of a property or cancel utilities when a relative dies?
- How do I get an accountant to help me?
- How do I cancel auto insurance or transfer the ownership of a car when a relative dies?
- Who do I contact if a loved one dies outside of Canada?
- How do I get a copy of a birth certificate for a deceased person?
- How do I find a bank, credit union or caisse populaire?
- How do I get or cancel pension benefits when a relative dies?
- Where can I find programs to help with grief and loss?
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CANADA
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT
Following
a death
Dealing with the death of a loved one is difficult.
Here is a list that can help you identify what to do when someone passes away.
First steps
The funeral director will register the death by
completing the Statement of Death. This will be done with information received
from a family member and the medical certificate.
Obtain a death certificate
- Learn how to order a death certificate and get the application form for the deceased's province or territory.
- If the person died abroad, the certificate must be obtained in the country where the death took place.
What to cancel
- Pensions and benefits
Find out how to cancel the deceased's various benefits including Old Age Security, Canada Pension Plan, Employment Insurance and tax-related payments. - Personal identification
Find out how to cancel the deceased's personal identification cards, registrations, and other documents.
Cancelling
Personal Identification
Here is a list of some of the personal identification
cards, registrations, and other documents of the deceased that need to be
cancelled or returned for cancellation:
- Passport
Return the passport to Passport Canada with a copy of the death certificate and a letter indicating if the cancelled passport should be destroyed or returned to you. - Citizenship - Citizenship and Immigration
(CIC)
Learn how to cancel the citizenship card/certificate by contacting the Citizenship and Immigration Canada call centre. - Permanent Resident Card - Citizenship and Immigration
(CIC)
Learn how to cancel the permanent resident card by contacting the Citizenship and Immigration Canada call centre. - Secure Certificate of
Indian Status (SCIS)
Learn how to cancel the SCIS by contacting the Aboriginal Affairs and Northern Development Canada. - Other cancellations
Find out what else needs to be cancelled such as driver and vehicle licences, automobile ownerships, health cards, and firearm licences.
- Social Insurance Number
Find out how to cancel the deceased’s Social Insurance Number.
Benefits you may be eligible to
receive
- Benefits after a death
Find out if you are eligible to receive survivor or death benefits. - Federal Income Support for
Parents of Murdered Children
Find out if you are eligible to receive this income support grant for parents coping with the death or disappearance of a child.
Managing personal finances
- Financial checklist
Learn about the key financial matters to consider while overseeing the deceased's finances as an executor or administrator.
Financial
Checklist
If you are acting as an executor or administrator,
you are responsible for the deceased's finances. If the deceased had a legal
representative (for example, a lawyer or an accountant), this person can help
you with the process.
If you do not have this support, here are some things
to consider if you are dealing with the deceased's finances.
Assets
- Property deeds
- Mortgage payments
- Rent payments
Savings
Investments
- Stocks and shares
Debts
- Credit cards
- Loan payments
- Utility bills
- Other unpaid bills
Insurance
- Personal/Family coverage
- Work coverage
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When there is death
of family member
Checklist for Executors
The following is not
a complete list of the duties and responsibilities of an executor or executrix,
but it does provide a good overview of the principal tasks:
The following is not a complete list of the duties and
responsibilities of an executor or executrix, but it does provide a good
overview of the principal tasks:
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Make all funeral
arrangements.
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Identify all savings and
chequing accounts of the deceased. Notify all financial institutions about
the death and obtain up-to-date information about the balances on deposit.
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Locate all insurance policies
and obtain information about the amount payable on each. Notify the insurer
of the death.
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Access and list the contents
of the deceased's safety deposit box.
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Review the deceased's
personal papers to determine all assets and liabilities (debts).
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Prepare a detailed statement
of assets and liabilities.
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Arrange for storage and
insurance of any assets that require it.
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Notify the beneficiaries of
the death, if necessary, and advise them of their entitlement under the Will.
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Redirect mail and cancel any
subscriptions or charge accounts. Return or destroy credit and charge cards.
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Obtain all unpaid wages and
other benefits from former employer.
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Apply to the court for
Letters of Probate.
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Advertise for creditors, if
necessary.
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File income tax returns for
year of death and any outstanding from former years.
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Apply for Canada Pension Plan
benefits, if any. (If the deceased ever worked outside Canada, foreign social
security benefits may also be payable.)
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Apply for any amounts payable
to the estate under insurance policies.
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Pay funeral expenses, income
taxes payable and all debts of the deceased.
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Pay money bequests and
distribute specific gifts of property according to the instructions in the
Will (be sure to obtain receipts and to retain sufficient cash to carry out
the final steps).
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File the estate's income tax
return and pay any tax owing (i.e., if the estate earned any income following
the death of the deceased).
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Pay legal fees and any outstanding
fees related to administering the estate, including compensation for personal
representative(s).
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Determine residuary
beneficiary preferences for 'specie' or cash distributions and arrange sale
or transfers of the estate assets to the rightful beneficiaries.
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Prepare and distribute a
final report to the beneficiaries.
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Print a checkable list (in PDF format)
Click here to access our Executor
and Trustee Assistance Guide and an Estate Complexity - Executor's Tool that
will help you determine what level of assistance you may require to meet your
estate settlement needs.
Resources for
Executors
- Estate Complexity - Executor's Tool (What level of assistance do you require?)
- Duties of an Executor
- Executor Assistance - Frequently Asked Questions
- Trustee Services
- Tax Planning and Preparations
TD Private Client Group Estates and Trusts
Specialists would be happy to answer any questions you may have. If you would
like to learn more about our services or arrange a meeting with one of our
Specialists, please contact the Estates and Trusts branch nearest you by
consulting our Estates and Trusts
Branch Directory.
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Corporate Profile
TD Bank GroupHeadquartered in Toronto, Canada, with more than 80,000 employees in offices around the world, The Toronto-Dominion Bank and its subsidiaries are collectively known as TD Bank Group (TD). TD offers a full range of financial products and services to more than 24 million customers worldwide through three key business lines:
The Toronto-Dominion Bank is a chartered bank subject to the provisions of the Bank Act (Canada). It was formed on February 1, 1955 through the amalgamation of The Bank of Toronto, chartered in 1855, and The Dominion Bank, chartered in 1869. Canadian RetailTD Canada TrustTD Canada Trust is TD Bank Group's customer-focused personal and small business banking business. Serving more than 13 million customers nationally, TD Canada Trust provides a full range of financial products and services through its retail branch network, mobile app, telephone, Internet banking, and ‘TD Green Machine’ automated banking machines. Business Banking Business Banking provides financial solutions to Canadian businesses of all sizes across a wide range of industries. Dedicated Business Banking Specialists deliver customized solutions to meet the unique needs of business customers. Drawing on a range of products and services including financing, deposit, investment, cash management, international trade and foreign exchange, our relationship teams provide the right tools and advice to help customers achieve their goals. Business Banking includes:
MBNA is a division of The Toronto-Dominion Bank. With the MBNA portfolio, TD is a leading provider of co-branded and affinity credit card programs in Canada. MBNA MasterCard credit cards are associated with hundreds of Canadian membership organizations, credit union and financial institutions, sports associations, educational institutions and charities. TD Wealth and TD Asset Management TD Wealth provides investors and financial advisors with a broad range of brokerage, mutual fund, banking and other consumer financial products on an integrated basis. TD Wealth consists of:
TD Asset Management Inc.("TDAM"), a member of TD Bank Group , is one of Canada's largest asset managers. TDAM offers a diverse range of over 120 investment solutions including mutual funds, professionally managed portfolios and corporate class funds. TDAM manages retail mutual fund assets on behalf of more than 1.9 million investors and offers one of the most broadly diversified fund families in Canada. Funds are available at TD Canada Trust branches (through TD Investment Services Inc. representatives), TD Direct Investing, TD Wealth Financial Planning and TD Wealth Private Investment Advice, as well as leading investment dealers, independent brokers, advisors and financial planners. As of December 31, 2015, TDAM was the fourth largest mutual fund company in Canada, with over CDN$105 billion invested in its mutual funds (Source: IFIC). TD Insurance TD Insurance is a part of TD Bank Group and provides these products:
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If the account is frozen, how does the executor pay for the funeral?
Seminar season is in full swing for me, making me doubly busy but also
letting me interact with even more people than I usually do. I always encourage
questions from my audiences, and always get plenty of them. I notice than many
listeners are interested in the mechanics of an estate - how things work,
who does what, how long things take, etc.
At one recent seminar, there were questions about whether a deceased person's bank accounts are frozen at the time of death, and if so, whether an executor has to pay funeral and other expenses out of his own pocket.
If the deceased owned a joint bank account with right of survivorship, the account won't be frozen. The surviving joint owner will be able to continue to use the account as before. For tax, estate and other reasons, the surviving joint owner should make sure that the bank is alerted of the death of one owner and the name on the account adjusted to reflect the current situation.
If you are one of the thousands of Canadians who owns an account jointly with your parent or your child, be aware that there is no longer an automatic right of survivorship on these accounts. Though you may have been told by the bank when it was set up that there was a right of survivorship, the law has changed right across Canada. An inter-generational joint account where the parent put in the money and later added a child as a joint owner is considered to be held in trust for the parent's estate. That account will be frozen.
If you have an inter-generational joint account, talk to an estate planning lawyer or your bank manager to find out what you can and should do about it while both owners are still alive.
RRSP, RRIF and LIRA accounts are not generally frozen. They are normally paid to the named beneficiary. If they are payable to the estate, they may be frozen until the executor obtains a grant of probate.
The deceased may have had bank accounts or investment accounts in his or her own name. These account are normally frozen on the death of the owner. Once the executor obtains probate, the bank or investment advisor will release the funds to the executor.
As mentioned, the follow-up question to whether an account is frozen is whether an executor must pay estate expenses out of his own pocket. In particular, funeral bills were a concern, as they tend to amount to thousands of dollars. The good news is that if an executor or family member takes the funeral bill to the bank where the deceased held his account, the bank will pay the funeral bill directly from the deceased's money. The money won't be given to the executor or family member; it will be sent directly to the funeral home.
This holds true for other expenses as well, as long as they are obviously bills that the deceased would have had to pay, such as the utilities on the deceased's home. This is up to the individual bank branch to determine, but it's always worth asking.
At one recent seminar, there were questions about whether a deceased person's bank accounts are frozen at the time of death, and if so, whether an executor has to pay funeral and other expenses out of his own pocket.
If the deceased owned a joint bank account with right of survivorship, the account won't be frozen. The surviving joint owner will be able to continue to use the account as before. For tax, estate and other reasons, the surviving joint owner should make sure that the bank is alerted of the death of one owner and the name on the account adjusted to reflect the current situation.
If you are one of the thousands of Canadians who owns an account jointly with your parent or your child, be aware that there is no longer an automatic right of survivorship on these accounts. Though you may have been told by the bank when it was set up that there was a right of survivorship, the law has changed right across Canada. An inter-generational joint account where the parent put in the money and later added a child as a joint owner is considered to be held in trust for the parent's estate. That account will be frozen.
If you have an inter-generational joint account, talk to an estate planning lawyer or your bank manager to find out what you can and should do about it while both owners are still alive.
RRSP, RRIF and LIRA accounts are not generally frozen. They are normally paid to the named beneficiary. If they are payable to the estate, they may be frozen until the executor obtains a grant of probate.
The deceased may have had bank accounts or investment accounts in his or her own name. These account are normally frozen on the death of the owner. Once the executor obtains probate, the bank or investment advisor will release the funds to the executor.
As mentioned, the follow-up question to whether an account is frozen is whether an executor must pay estate expenses out of his own pocket. In particular, funeral bills were a concern, as they tend to amount to thousands of dollars. The good news is that if an executor or family member takes the funeral bill to the bank where the deceased held his account, the bank will pay the funeral bill directly from the deceased's money. The money won't be given to the executor or family member; it will be sent directly to the funeral home.
This holds true for other expenses as well, as long as they are obviously bills that the deceased would have had to pay, such as the utilities on the deceased's home. This is up to the individual bank branch to determine, but it's always worth asking.
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1. Deceased Tax Returns in Canada: What to Do When Someone ...
https://turbotax.intuit.ca/tax-resources/deceased-tax-return.jsp
Deceased Tax Returns in Canada: ... (executor
or estate administrator) ... If the deceased had a TFSA account,
...
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How do I Write a Simple Will in Canada?
Writing a
will helps your family and friends understand your wishes in the case of your
death, but simply listing your wishes on a sheet of paper is not always enough.
In Canada, you must ensure that your will is legally binding, otherwise your
family can easily contest it in court. Most provinces require that you use
standardized will forms. You can obtain will forms in many stationary stores,
and there are also several websites that can help you write a simple legally
binding will. However, writing any legal document on your own can be dangerous.
To ensure your will is legal, consider consulting a lawyer.
Things You'll Need
- A record of your belongings.
- A witness
- Will forms
·
Make a list
of all your belongings and consider who you intend to leave them to after your
death. Writing your will is easier if you have this list to consult.
·
Obtain will
forms from a stationary store or online. Citizens of Manitoba, Saskatchewan and
Alberta can legally choose to purchase a will form or write a free-form,
handwritten will. However, in the rest of Canada, citizens must use a
standardized will form.
·
Write a
document title, then write your declaration. The title should be simple, such
as, "The Last Will and Testament." A declaration states that this is
your last will and testament and includes your name and any other relevant
personal information. It may also include the knowledge that you are sound of
mind and not under duress.
·
Select an
executor. This person should have good knowledge of your assets. An executor is
typically a spouse or child.
·
Name a
guardian for your children or dependents. Ensure that you have spoken with the
person you have chosen to be the guardian about the possibility of this
happening in the event of your death and that they accept the responsibility.
·
Write a
list of "Bequests." The "Bequests" identify the specific
people you want to inherit your possessions. Conversely, you can allow your
executor or chief beneficiary to decide how to divide your belongings. A chief
beneficiary is the person receiving the bulk of your inheritance.
·
Include
your wishes for funeral arrangements and what should be done with your body.
·
Sign and
date your will in the presence of a witness. This person can be anyone who is
legally an adult and does not stand to benefit from your will. They must see
you sign the will, then sign and date it themselves.
Tips & Warnings
- Consider adding an alternate executor, in case your chief executor is unavailable.
- Several companies in Canada sell kits that will help you with the process of creating a will.
- When naming beneficiaries, be sure to include at least one relevant to avoid confusion. This can be as simple as that person's relationship to you.
- Your executor can be the witness for your document, but to avoid a conflict of interest, your spouse or a beneficiary listed in the will cannot. If one of these parties is a witness, your will may become legally void.
- Even a legally binding will can be contested in court.
- Large estates are often complex and should be handled by a lawyer to avoid confusion.
References
- Photo Credit legal pad and mechanical pencil image by alpy7 from Fotolia.com
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How to Write Your Own Kick Ass Obituary
Let's be
honest, most obituaries are not all that good. The worst part about them is
that you are never around to read your own obit and see what a great person you
were. Here are some great ideas if you want an exciting obituary that everyone
will enjoy reading. As a bonus, you can get even with the people that made fun
of you in high school and make a few bucks.
1. Write your
own obituary
It is imperative that you write your own obituary or have a trusted friend do it BEFORE you die. If you do not, your Aunt (who has her own blog and fancies herself as a “writer”) will type it up and it will suck and you’ll be stuck with an awful summation of your life.
It is imperative that you write your own obituary or have a trusted friend do it BEFORE you die. If you do not, your Aunt (who has her own blog and fancies herself as a “writer”) will type it up and it will suck and you’ll be stuck with an awful summation of your life.
Once you do finish writing your
own obit, make sure you send a draft copy out to all your family and friends so
that they can miss you while you are still alive. They will then have the
opportunity to pay to be included in the obituary (see section #5) or pay to be
excluded from the obituary (see section #8.)
2. Don't give
them the satisfaction
Most people will suggest you start off an obit with the person’s name, the date they died and how they died. I suggest you start off with “You are not going to believe this!” or “Guess what that fat f*ck Bob did now” or “You were right.” Don't include your age so that your friends don't get the satisfaction of outliving you.
Most people will suggest you start off an obit with the person’s name, the date they died and how they died. I suggest you start off with “You are not going to believe this!” or “Guess what that fat f*ck Bob did now” or “You were right.” Don't include your age so that your friends don't get the satisfaction of outliving you.
3. Doug who?
No one knows you by your real name so why die by that name? Nicknames that were used independently of your name go in quotation marks in the middle of your real name.
No one knows you by your real name so why die by that name? Nicknames that were used independently of your name go in quotation marks in the middle of your real name.
Robert “Stacks” Gutfruend
Joan “Cookie Monster” McCreedy
Nicknames that were part of your
job or the reason you went to jail go before your real name:
“Handsy” Jim Handland
“Luscious Diamond” Tina Ralph
“Tea-Bag” Bill Billingsworth
Or if you don’t want anyone to know
you died, just post a fake nickname.
John “Two-Sack” Christopher
If you didn’t have a nickname in
real life, make sure you make one up or tell your obit writer your suggestions
before you die. And don’t post your middle name. We’re not monogramming a sweater
here.
4. Rhyming and
haikus make for great obituaries
I suggest trying them together.
You smoked like a fire
Now you're atop a pyre
No flowers please, Thanks!
Now you're atop a pyre
No flowers please, Thanks!
5. No one
cares
No one cares about who died before you or how many cousins you have that are still alive. If your relatives want in your obit, charge them $5 - $10 a mention.
No one cares about who died before you or how many cousins you have that are still alive. If your relatives want in your obit, charge them $5 - $10 a mention.
No one cares where you went to
school or where you earned your associates degree. List your favorite bars or
hang outs. People are more likely to remember Johnny “Cantaloupes” Mullroy from
the bowling alley, rather than a graduate of Lancaster High School class of
1988. (Go Gales!)
6. People like
excitement
Don’t die of cancer. Die of a space borne alien parasite.
Don’t die of cancer. Die of a space borne alien parasite.
Don’t die in a car accident. Get
hit by a meteorite.
Die a hero (stolen from Royal
Tennebaums) "Died Tragically Rescuing his Family From the Wreckage of a
Destroyed Sinking Battleship."
And do not fail to give a reason
for why you died or people will assume it was from something embarrassing.
Everyone knows that a non-mention means "bled to death from a masturbation
accident."
7. Get
donations now
There are services that will “loan’ you a lump sum of money now and get that money back when you die through the "Please donate to" charity suggested in the obituary. The loan companies have names like, “The Amerikan Heart Foundation” and “The Redd Cross” and “Amway.” At the bottom of your obit, have money sent to them in lieu of flowers. If you can’t come up with enough donations to cover your loan, they will take your suit/dress, coffin and body parts to make up the difference.
There are services that will “loan’ you a lump sum of money now and get that money back when you die through the "Please donate to" charity suggested in the obituary. The loan companies have names like, “The Amerikan Heart Foundation” and “The Redd Cross” and “Amway.” At the bottom of your obit, have money sent to them in lieu of flowers. If you can’t come up with enough donations to cover your loan, they will take your suit/dress, coffin and body parts to make up the difference.
8. Let those
jerks have it
An Obituary is the perfect time to get back at all the people who have pissed you off your entire life. Being dead is the perfect cover for a lie or to let out a really stinky truth. Here are a few examples:
An Obituary is the perfect time to get back at all the people who have pissed you off your entire life. Being dead is the perfect cover for a lie or to let out a really stinky truth. Here are a few examples:
-I never loved you (insert family
member’s name here.)
-Coach Rogers touched me on my
pee pee after baseball practice.
-I had herpes. Now I have worms.
-Aunt Tina, I was and always will
be a Red Sox fan.
-My G-mail and MySpace password
is clicktowin34. Go ahead and read my e-mails, honey.
This is also a perfect
opportunity for relatives to make “pre-donations” to be excluded from this
portion of the obituary. For $10 now, Uncle Bob won't get outted. For $50
neither will your Uncle Lou whom you found with Uncle Bob.
Here is my Obituary, just so you
know:
Doug “Holyjuan” Messerschmit
Well, you can all stop placing
your bets. Doug is dead. You won’t see him at B-Hampton’s or at Skully’s
anymore, but you can see him Ray’s Funeral Home this Wednesday from 6 – 8pm.
The parts of his body that were not destroyed when he dove on top the
improvised nuclear device and thus saved the city will be on display. HolyJuan
liked to dance poorly, drink quickly, tell the same stories and flirt with the
ladies. He owned two bowling shirts and 12 pairs of Converse. He is survived by
his parents ($20) and one sister ($5.) Donations can be made to the American
Kancer Society and my brother used to stick Legos in my butt while I slept.
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