USATODAY.com - Get a life, parents and let adult child have one, too

usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/opinion/editorials/2003-08-25-vanderkam_x.htm

Aug 25, 2003 ... Get a life, parents — and let adult child have one, too ... People who refused to leave home couldn't have settled the frontier; people who need ...

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Grown kids return to the nest — and regress - Health - Children's ...

www.nbcnews.com/id/31275812/ns/health-childrens_health/t/grown-kids-return-nest-regress/

Jun 22, 2009 ... Adults who move back home during tough economic times ... son, a political consultant who was living with him rent-free, refused to clean his room. ... “In college, I was used to leaving the dishes overnight and washing them in ...

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How to Deal With a Child That Is 20 & Won't Leave Home or Get a Job

oureverydaylife.com/deal-child-20-wont-leave-home-job-16431.html

Your young adult child is taking up room in your house and contributing little -- it's time for her to get a job and eventually move out. You're not alone. Research ...

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The new 20-somethings: Why won’t they grow up?

They're unemployed, living with their parents and waiting longer to get married. What happened to young adulthood?

Topics: Books, Nonfiction, Entertainment News

This is a difficult time to be a young adult in America. As one passage from the new book “Not Quite Adults,” by Richard Settersten and Barbara Ray, aptly sums it up: “After two decades on Easy Street,” they write, “young adults awoke in early 2009 to a new nickname, Generation R, for ‘recession.’ All too suddenly, the party was over and only the hangover lay ahead.” As of April 2010, the unemployment rate for 20- to 24-year-olds stood at 17.2 percent, nearly double the national average. One half of 18- to 24-year-olds have not left home, a 37 percent increase since 1970. And it’s not just the fresh-out-of-college set: 30 percent of 25- to 34-year-olds live with their parents.

With its telling subtitle: “Why 20-Somethings Are Choosing A Slower Path To Adulthood, And Why It’s Good for Everyone,” Settersten and Ray’s book gathers eight years of MacArthur Foundation research and hundreds of personal interviews to take the pulse of America’s young adults. Yes, more of them are living at home, delaying other big-person milestones like marriage and child-rearing. But while they sleep in their childhood bedrooms, they are also paying off debt, experimenting with careers and preparing for the time when they are ready to leave the nest and enter a hyper-competitive economy that doesn’t take kindly to failings and missteps.
Barbara Ray spoke to Salon over the phone about the new realities of growing up, why a slow move towards adulthood is a good thing and why older people always think they had it harder.
There’s this traditional storyline young Americans are supposed to follow: graduate high school, move out, go to college and/or find a job, get married and have kids all before 25. That life-path is far from realistic for most 18-34 year-olds in 2010-11. What’s changed?
A lot of big social forces have conspired to make this path a lot slower and less direct than ever before. It used to be that young people did these things, in that order. Now, it’s much more meandering. The biggest reason for the slowdown is the job force has shifted a lot more dramatically in the last 25 years. We’ve moved to a knowledge-based economy and there’s a greater demand for higher education, but college is also an ill fit for a lot of young adults. They kind of flounder: 40 percent drop out. Those people move home, try to find a job, and just sort of go along trying to figure out what they are doing with their lives.
In terms of marriage, this is a generation of divorce. They saw their parents get divorced, which makes you think twice about marriage. and now you don’t have to get married right away or at all. People are creating independent lives before they get married, which wasn’t the case 25 years ago. Marriage has become this capstone after you do all the other things. There is much more thinking about ‘When am I ready to be married.’ And that’s a good thing. Studies show that these marriages are stronger. People who get married before 23 have a much higher rate of divorce.
Finally, parents have parented very differently. They’ve been much more involved in their children’s lives from the beginning, they are much closer to their children, and children are much closer to their parents. And it’s a great thing. The whole ‘quick out the door once you’re 18’ thing, you don’t have to do that anymore.
There is a lot of misunderstanding among older adults as to why young people aren’t maturing as quickly as they did.
Adulthood has slowed down not because kids are lazy or slackers or coddled as the media likes to portray, but because there are bigger social forces that have slowed their path. Young adults are thinking about what adulthood is in a different way. Those markers that we traditionally use to define adulthood don’t fit anymore. Young people are living strategically; when they are living at home, they are paying off debt, not rushing into marriage, finding a good fit in the job force. They feel independent. They are having their parents treat them like adults, paying their own phone bills, working. There are a lot of markers of adulthood today, but they are a little more subjective.
What about the “it’s a really tough job market,” “jobs are so hard to come by” narrative that sort of explains away the inability for young adults to land lasting employment?
I wouldn’t say it’s explaining it away. It’s a very, very big reality. Even when you do have education and your foot in the door, those jobs are very, very up in the air. They are temporary, contract or part-time. Eighty percent of new jobs are contract jobs. We are in what I call a “Do It Yourself Economy.” People are working part-time jobs, patching together a couple of jobs, doing work on the side and generally seeking alternatives to steady, stable employment. It’s really precarious, and that was before the recession. Now this generation is also competing with older workers who are holding on tighter to their positions. This generation is the First Hired, First Fired.
I just graduated from college and most of my friends are living at home. Though they aren’t on the surface happy to be at home, they are being productive and devoting themselves to interests they may not have had time for had they jumped straight into the traditional job market.
Our interviews for the book ended before the recession. But even before it happened, we noticed a lot of young people were seeking a work-life balance. Their parents were workaholics. Now, this generation is very committed to their communities, it is huge on volunteering, very into social justice and lots of other issues very close to their hearts, and young people are very active in pursuing those causes, even if that’s just online. I’m very inspired by this generation. It is doing a lot right. Work isn’t always everything. Maybe this recession will give everyone more balance.

However, there is a flip side. There is this sense that moving back home is a failing.
There are a lot of parents and young adults who feel like failures when the child moves back home. I hope this book helps parents and young adults see why the path to adulthood is slower and why it’s a good thing. I hope it helps them understand all those factors. It’s not bad parenting. It’s much bigger changes that have happened.

In the book, you talk about “job-shopping” and “job-hopping.” What’s the difference?
Let’s take job-shopping: It’s done with a larger plan in mind. Every job change is an increase in salary or a move closer to your ultimate goal. Not necessarily a lateral move, but always up, either in money or in what you want to do.

Too many young adults don’t have the privilege of shopping because they bolted out the door too early or skipped education or foundered, and now they’re working a low paid job with no room for advancement. So they move, they go on to something else. It’s a hop.
Many young adults are stuck because the jobs that are out there have split into low-wage service sector jobs versus high-wage jobs that require lots of education. We don’t give a clear path to middle-tier jobs. Those pay well and don’t all require a four-year degree, but we don’t tell our kids how to get there. It’s a big area we overlook and we need to develop policy that points out those middle-tier jobs early on and how to get them.

You’re either going to be very successful or you’re going to work a low-level job.
Yes, exactly. But those middle jobs are the fastest growing sector of the economy.
We’ve created what you call a “child-centric culture.” Parents are investing so much into their children, which ties their sense of self-worth directly to the success or failure of their kids. How can we change this trend?
Parents feel if they don’t put their kids in a good school, get them involved with extracurricular activities, get them into a good college, that their kids will be left behind. It is like an arms race. We keep building up our arsenal and Russia keeps building theirs, it’s the same thing. Nobody wants to back away because of fear of annihilation. So parents spend a lot of time and a lot of money to keep their kids in the race. Parents have to ease up and stand down and say enough is enough. Someone has to be first and say, “This has gotten out of control.”
Do you think every generation thinks that the generation that comes after them is slow to grow up? Do you think it’s true that there’s been this pattern of intergenerational judgment? If so, why?
Oh, yeah, definitely. When I was growing up, my dad would always say, “I used to walk 12 miles, now you get to ride to school.” It happens whenever you have to go through something hard. You went through a hard experience, and you want to make the next generation experience hardship. ‘Kids these days,’ it’s a common refrain. Boomers, and I’m a boomer, rebelled against their parents, and here we are complaining about ‘kids these days.’
In interviews, you found that many parents, though they don’t readily admit it, actually benefit from having their kids live at home. Why isn’t that talked about as much?
There is still this cloud and guilt parents feel because their child moved home. No one wants to be up for judgment and say that they actually enjoy having their kid back at home. When I go to parties and I tell people what the book is about, someone will always say, ‘Well, my 21-year-old son is living at home, and I really enjoy having him there.’ And someone else will chime in and say that too. Once it’s OK, and it’s clear that it’s OK, they feel like they’re not judged. The social norms haven’t quite changed fully, yet.
A resounding theme in the book is the divergent early adulthood experiences of children from middle- and upper-class backgrounds versus their peers from working- and lower-class families. You say a lot of it has to do with the level of guidance that each group receives, particularly from their parents. Can you talk about that?
We obsess about helicopter parents, but we should be more concerned with the uninvolved parents. It’s so competitive out there, and kids need the guidance and support of their parents. There are the “school of hard-knocks” parents today, who say, “I want my kids to be independent.” I understand where they’re coming from. It’s good to be independent and have that sense of adulthood, but there is a risk in rushing out and trying to become an adult too fast. Working-class parents are just as concerned as upper-class parents about the welfare of their kids and their futures, but they believe in the fast path because that’s how they came up. We should all think about what it takes to be a success today and how easy it is to be derailed.
Nearly half of the 3 million who enroll in college each year drop out. Yet the “College is the ticket” mantra persists. How can we work to get beyond that discourse?
By pointing out alternative paths and making them clear early. We’ve totally decimated our vocational schools. That’s wrong. We should elevate those jobs and make them easier to get to. An electrician who’s good at their job will make a lot of money. A health technician is in the same boat. They don’t require 4-year degrees. There are different paths where people are fulfilled and happy in their careers. If we provided clearer alternate paths earlier on, we’d be saving these young people a lot of time and money.
In the book you write about young adults who are either “swimmers” or “treaders.” What’s the difference between those two?
The majority of young adults are treaders — treading water with low-wage jobs with no future and who are at risk of sinking. Swimmers are moving forward, albeit slowing. They are getting their ducks in a row but doing it right. I’d say it’s about 60-40 treaders to swimmers. It’s the fast starters, those who get out the gate quickly but start treading, that are most at risk. The economy isn’t there to support them.

What does it mean for our society that we have such a large number of young people struggling into adulthood?
One in 5 people 18 to 24 are in poverty, and that’s because they are living on their own. Thirty percent of young men with just a high school degree are idle — not working, not looking for work — what does that mean for the future? And that was before the recession.
We need to change the conversation. If we keep blaming parents and keep blaming young adults, we’re not going to make any progress. If so many young people are being left behind, the future isn’t very bright for them or the country. We’re seeing that a bit in Europe right now with the riots over tuition — it’s just a tinderbox.
These are kind of warning signs. It’s a very different world. The economy is very competitive and too many people are being left behind. The critical question is, ‘How can we make this path more secure for more young people?’

Michelle Fitzsimmons is an editorial fellow at Salon.com.

http://www.salon.com/2010/12/23/not_quite_adults_interview/

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Entitled dependency: why won't adult children leave home?

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/lifematters/entitled-dependency/5564362

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Liz Weston: When your Adult kid is a financial train wreck

Financial planners and credit counsellors see plenty of examples. The grown son who lost a job, moved home and stopped looking for work. The daughter who constantly mismanaged her checking account — and turned to payday lenders when parents stopped covering her overdrafts. The father working into his 70s to support spendthrift children in their 40s and 50s.

Kristi Sullivan, a certified financial planner in Denver, once worked with an elderly couple whose offspring constantly turned to them for help.

"The clients couldn't understand why their grandchildren had all the latest iPads and phones, but when a car or home repair came up, their adult children always had to ask them for money," Sullivan said.

Giving adult children money is the norm in the U.S. Six out of 10 parents with adult children said they had given those children financial help in the previous 12 months, according to a 2014 Pew Research Center survey .

Parents usually give because it feels good. Eight out of 10 parents who help adult children — with money, child care, housework or home repairs — said doing so was rewarding, Pew found.

But the toll can be steep, advisers say. Supporting able-bodied children or repeatedly bailing them out of debt creates dependency when parents should help them become self-sufficient. The unwise spending also can:

—Delay or derail the parents' retirement.

—Fuel sibling resentment and family discord.

—Enable dangerous behaviour, including addiction or untreated mental illness.

The "just say no" advice doesn't get far with parents stuck in these patterns, advisers say. Many parents don't understand the harm they're doing, and the children certainly have no incentive to change, said Bruce McClary, a former credit counsellor and spokesman for the National Foundation for Credit Counseling in Washington, D.C.

Change is possible, though, when parents set limits and communicate those limits to their kids. Here's what planners advise:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD

Delia Fernandez , a CFP in Los Alamitos, California, uses retirement planning software to show what happens if clients continue spending on their kids at their current level. Often, the results are eye-opening. "They'll say, 'Why is the chart turning red?'" Fernandez says. "They thought they'd be retiring at 62, but now they're looking at 66 or later." If parents can't agree on a figure, a third party such as a planner, accountant or even a therapist may be able to help.

SET EXPECTATIONS

Many parents who support adult kids have never talked about money with those children, planners say. Parents should be clear about when they will and won't help. If the children aren't trying to be self-sufficient, any help should have an expiration date. If the offspring needs basic budgeting help, credit counsellors can offer advice, classes or debt-management plans.

PLAN FOR 'EMERGENCIES'

The financially irresponsible limp from crisis to crisis, so parents who set boundaries should expect to get pleas for emergency help. If possible, avoid knee-jerk responses, planners say. Parents who decide to step in should set and communicate limits, Fernandez says. For example, they can offer to pay one or two months' rent to stave off an eviction, but tell the offspring to find affordable shelter after that.

TARGET YOUR HELP

Very wealthy parents may hand over annual checks as a way to reduce their estates and avoid future estate taxes. But giving cash to irresponsible adult children is a bad idea. Instead, parents should direct the money toward something specific, such as paying the mechanic for a car repair or taking over certain bills, planners say.

CONSIDER YOUR OTHER KIDS

Money shouldn't equal love, but it often does in the siblings' minds when financial help is doled out unequally, says Laura Scharr-Bykowsky, a CFP in Columbia, South Carolina.

Siblings also may worry they'll have to support the parents or the financially irresponsible child someday, which adds to their resentment. Knowing the parents have a plan to wean that person, or some kind of "stop loss" figure where they'll stop giving, can ease the situation.

Parents may not be able to treat their children equally in life, but Scharr-Bykowsky encourages her clients to at least do so in death by dividing their estate equally — assuming, of course, that there's anything left.

Treating children unequally "is a very hurtful thing," Scharr-Bykowski says. "And the parents don't see it."

This column was provided to The Associated Press by the personal finance website NerdWallet.

Liz Weston is a certified financial planner and columnist at NerdWallet. Email: lweston@nerdwallet.com Twitter: @lizweston RELATED LINKS: Pew Research Center: Helping adult children

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/05/21/5-helping-adult-children/

NerdWallet: How credit counselling can help you

https://nerd.me/5-nerdwallet-finance

http://www.vancouversun.com/Weston+When+your+financial+train+wreck/12446713/story.html

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Adults nowadays are the generation of kids who refused to grow up

It was when I was going up in the lift that it struck me. The elevator stopped, the doors opened and a giant ‘ding dong’ filled the air to announce that we had arrived, the kind of thing that would amuse a five year old because it was nothing like the more usual ‘ping’ that you would expect. But this one was not filled with toddlers, it was filled with senior copywriters, wearing their onesies and clutching their giant over-sweetened coffees flavoured with vanilla and cinnamon and other babyish condiments. And it was then that I realised. No matter how old you get, we are living in a generation of children who will never grow up.
No one grows up any more, or at least precious few do. There are now ball pools for adults, for goodness sakes – you know the kind of thing, an arena filled with brightly coloured objects designed for someone aged three. There are adult colouring books, with grown women of my acquaintance informing me it helps them to calm down. What’s wrong with a quick G&T? And then, in a particular nadir, in October last year, Ladybird books announced it would be publishing tomes for adults which include, Heaven help us, the Ladybird Book of the Hipster and the Ladybird Book of the Mid-Life Crisis. Past generations favoured Trollope. Not us. Elsewhere on the bookshelf you will find a tome entitled Poems That Make Grown Men Cry (there’s also a female version) – for pity’s sake, why? Great art has always had the power to move. But it doesn’t need to be labelled under babyish names.
Where is the pride in accomplishment, the fact that we enjoy different things now that we’ve matured? People have been using Estuary English for so long to prove that they’re down wiv de kidz, that they’ve turned into toddlers themselves. The way they dress is utterly infantile: if not onesies, jeans and trainers with everything, of course, it not occurring to anyone that in a professional environment they might want to smarten up.
More ghastly still is the recent trend for adults to go out in public in their pajamas. Chris Evans, the biggest child of the lot, managed it when out filming Top Gear – remember the days when television presenters used to wear black tie? – but it’s not just him. In January the head teacher of Skerne Park Academy in Darlington had to ask parents to stop doing the school run in their nightwear. What hope for their own children to grow up?
People also won’t leave home, such is their desire to remain a child forever. Yes, we all know house prices have rocketed and the stock is in short supply, but not so long ago the desire to forge an independent life had people sharing bedsits, taking rooms in houses, anything to strike out for themselves. Not any more. In November last year, the Office For National Statistics reported that 27 per cent of men aged 25-29 were living with their parents (interestingly, only 15 per cent of women of the same age lived at home), and you can’t help but suspect that the idea of mummy doing all the cooking and cleaning is what’s keeping them there. No surprise that this is also the age of the “commitment-phobe”. Men used to take pride in being a breadwinner and providing for a family. It is a sign of utter immaturity that so many now want to duck out of that.
No one listens to classical music anymore – tune in to Desert Island Discs and it’s quite shocking the choices some of the most successful people in our midst will choose. People talk happily about ‘boys’ toys’ as if it’s somehow admirable to be fixated on what children call vroom vrooms. It’s no surprise that one of the most childish creatures in literature, Mr Toad, was fascinated by fast cars. Art now comes in the form of neon signs or graffiti. Some of the most successful artists in the stratosphere have made their very considerable fortunes by churning out pieces based on Disney cartoons.
Where is the profundity in our society? Where are the signs that we have actually grown up? We are unique in that in Western Europe at least we have lived for several generations without warfare and perhaps life has become so easy for us that we have lost the ability to mature. We have adults playing in ball pens, colouring in their colouring books, never able to settle down with each other because that’s something adults do. ‘When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child,’ wrote St Paul in his Epistle to the Corinthians, ‘but when I became a man I put away childish things.’ These days – some hope.

http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/05/adults-nowadays-are-the-generation-of-kids-who-refused-to-grow-up/

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Boomerang generation: How to cope when your kids won’t leave home

While more parents than ever are bankrolling their first-time-buyer children, plenty of ‘boomerang kids’ simply don’t want to leave home Credit: Kanako

Lola Borg

14 May 2016 • 6:00am

You probably don’t need to look at the statistics. If you live in a city, especially London, you will already know plenty of families with so-called ‘kidults’ cluttering up the sofa and eating all the cereal. They either never left or have scuttled back as soon as the ink was dry on their graduation certificate.
‘I don’t know anyone who doesn’t live with their parents,’ said one 24-year-old I spoke to, who looked puzzled at the very idea of leaving home. Children have long done a pit stop at the family home after university – what’s changed is that their stay seems no longer to be temporary, particularly given that their only way of getting on to the property ladder is with the help of the ‘Bank of Mum and Dad’.

Explain that this isn’t a flatshare and they can’t leave a traffic cone and pizza boxes in the kitchen

In the UK, more than three million 20-somethings still live in the family home. The trend is echoed all over Europe – where the stats are 48 per cent – and placed at the feet of the economic downturn.
Of course, there has always been a strong tradition in Mediterranean countries of children forever tied to Mama’s apron strings, but many forget this was also the norm in the UK until the 1960s.
For Baby Boomers, though, the heady mix of full employment, cheap rent and a breezy sense of entitlement gave them unprecedented freedom. Today’s parents left home for university with fees paid and a full grant – but they were the generational blip.
Young adults in 2016 have to contend with insanely high rents, student loans and the dance of having to be an unpaid intern to claw their way to the tiniest career break. So who can afford the leave the family home, especially with the average house deposit now hitting £80,000?
It seems the only way to cobble it together is if their parents stump up – the Bank of Mum and Dad helped to finance 25 per cent of all mortgage transactions this year, according to Legal & General, giving an average amount of £17,500. What is even more surprising is that many of the 40-is-the-new-30, Glastonbury-going parents enjoy having an extended family life.

Children have long done a pit stop at the family home after university – what’s changed is that their stay seems no longer to be temporary Credit: Getty

‘I love hanging out with my kids,’ said one mother who has her 22-year-old and 29-year-old daughters under her roof. ‘Yesterday we did a yoga class together and then had supper. It was wonderful. And I love those nights when we all sprawl on the sofa and watch TV together.’
What she doesn’t love quite as much is that her two never wash a dish or pay a penny towards their rather lovely lifestyle. It is a common gripe – parents feel that they are chauffeurs, cooks, banks, even therapists to older children who seem in no hurry to be independent.
Partly because we are living longer, we are also extending adolescence into the late 20s, says Suzie Hayman, a trustee for the charity Family Lives. ‘So what you may have under your roof is a fully grown adult living like and being treated like an adolescent.’ And that, she says, is the where conflict comes in. If this all sounds familiar, don’t panic. There are ways to make it work.

Have the awkward conversation

That’s the one where you explain that this isn’t a flatshare and they can’t leave a traffic cone and pizza boxes in the kitchen. Thrash out what you expect, recommends Hayman. Remember, they get the benefits of living as part of the family (Netflix, Sunday lunches, beer in the fridge) but in return they have to contribute and live by the house rules. Those are mostly good manners and respecting privacy – both yours and theirs.

Talk about, ahem, money

Tricky. This one makes parents squirm. You have more money than they do, they’re clearly struggling financially and you feel bad for charging them rent. Even so, you are not doing your children a service, Hayman believes, to treat them like teenagers with pocket money when they are bringing home a salary. If you do, they will never learn how to manage money. If they are not working, their contribution can be in labour rather than financial.

And talk about chores

Sadly, many people don’t train their children nearly as well as they train their dog. Hayman believes they should have had chores since they could stand. If not, start now. The basic is cooking dinner for everyone once a week. They should, of course, be responsible for their own room and laundry too. They are adults, after all.

Then there are sex and drugs

The problem with saying ‘not under my roof’ is that it makes sex clandestine. ‘When someone is over 18 you have no right to run their sex life,’ says Hayman. ‘But you do have the right to ask, “Is this a good relationship?” “Is it safe?” Drugs, though, are a different matter. They are illegal and it’s your house. Just say no.’

Things will get tricky

There will be times when you want to throttle your adult children, but don’t let resentments build up, says behaviour specialist Noël Janis-Norton. Of course, we all like to think we are above the petty squabbles of who empties the dishwasher, but after a while it matters. ‘Resentment is like a pebble in the shoe,’ she says. ‘You don’t notice it at first but after a while it’s the only thing you think about and you don’t even notice the beautiful scenery around you.’

Speak to them in their language

Not in slang, but a way they understand. One boomeranger (a politics graduate) couldn’t get the idea that he was being a lazy oaf until his mum gave up the nag-a-thon and explained the situation in terms of exploitation of labour (hers, in this case), which was creating an asymmetric power basis. Job done.

Exploit their skills

Your children have wonderful talents, so make the most of them. This will likely include technology, so enjoy the fact you have a live-in IT department. Why work out the best new phone deal when your offspring can do it in a fifth of the time?

Enjoy the energy

Your ‘lodgers’ will bring vitality to the home, plus you’ll be more connected to the world of music, exhibitions, TV, films, phone apps – and even games. ‘With them, I watch loads of different TV shows,’ said one parent – and no, not just Keeping Up With the Kardashians. ‘It’s fun.’

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/family/boomerang-generation-how-to-cope-when-your-kids-wont-leave-home/

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FAMILY LIFE

Family May Be at Fault When Adult Child Won't Leave Home

February 13, 1988|JAN HOFMANN | Jan Hofmann is a regular contributor to Orange County Life

Jeff, 25, says he doesn't let the weird looks get to him anymore.

"People do look at me funny when I tell them I still live with my parents. They're like, 'Gosh, you must be really immature or something.' But I'm not immature. It's just a situation where I can't afford to move out."

As reported in last Saturday's column, the number of adult children living with their parents has increased 50% since 1970, according to the U.S. Bureau of the Census. Some are so-called "boomerang kids," young adults who've tried and failed to make it on their own. Others, like Jeff, have never left.

Jeff, who lives in Fullerton, says his departure from the nest was delayed when he decided to change careers. "I was going to a community college for seven years, training to be a machinist. But then I decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my life doing that. Right now I'm not really sure what I do want to do. I'm kind of reassessing things.

"When I made that decision, that's when I realized I was an adult. I thought, I'm making decisions that will affect the rest of my life."

Jeff works full time now at a printing company and is planning to move out "probably in about a year." In the meantime, he's comfortable where he is.

"I'm gone from home quite a bit, so it's not a problem. It's convenient, and the price is right," he says. Jeff says he doesn't pay his parents rent. "I guess maybe I should. But they've never mentioned it; they're financially secure. I do buy my own food, though."

Jeff says he tries to be unobtrusive at home. "My parents are on the older side--I have a sister who's 16 years older than me--so in consideration, I don't have any friends over. There's no loud music, and I don't cook. All I do is tie up a room and a spot in the driveway."

Social worker Marge Vinolus of the Tustin Psychotherapy Group, who specializes in helping families with adult children who keep coming back or won't leave, says career changers such as Jeff often legitimately need to depend on their parents for an extended time.

"It's extremely difficult for a young person to get out into the world," she says. "You need thousands of dollars just to get going. But in most cases, by the time they're 25, 26 or 27, the parents realize that this is no longer normal. By then the kid and the parents realize the fun and games are over, and it's no longer just a passing phase."

In many of the cases Vinolus deals with, there is some underlying problem that contributes to the adult child's inability to make it on his own. "It may be that the parents have inadvertently lost control and are unable to function in an executive position. It may be the empty nest syndrome. I've had kids say to me, 'I'm very worried that if I leave, my parents will get a divorce.' Sometimes, especially in Southern California, it's socioeconomic.

"Sometimes it's an insidious, undiagnosed mental illness," she says. "But it's always a family systems problem."

For that reason, Vinolus insists on seeing the whole family when she takes a case. "The parents often will identify the kid as the problem, 'Not me!' It's very ineffective to do that."

No matter what the situation, Vinolus says, for any young person to leave home "they have to have something to push against, a set of rules. That's how kids get stronger; that's how they leave. If you don't like the rules, you have a choice. A lot of parents, when their children reach this age, they lean over backward to treat them as adults. They don't have a lot of rules and restrictions on them. They're usually stunned to discover that their kids need structure, they need limits in order to grow up. You may be making it too agreeable for them, and they'll never leave."

Sometimes, parents do need to show their lingering children the door. "But the worst thing you can do is kick a kid out in anger. You set up a contract with them: 'If you want to live in our home, you have to agree to these things.' Then it becomes their choice and their responsibility."

Vinolus, a mother of six, admits she should have followed her own advice more often than she has. "Just because you can teach it doesn't mean you know to do it yourself," she says. "When adult kids move back home they revert into children--and we into parents--so fast it's astounding. I know I wasn't smart enough to pick it up in my family when it happened to me. One of my daughters moved back during a transition period, and I was thrilled to have her. She's a great kid. But I started becoming more and more irritated with her, telling her what to do. I was overstepping the line, becoming too much of a mother. I made the mistake of not having a contract with her."

Professional help isn't always necessary to get a grown child to move out, Vinolus says. "But there are situations when it is. If you're uncomfortable with it, if you've tried a variety of things that haven't worked, if it's taking over 100% of your life, then it can help."

Ann, who lives in Irvine, did seek help after her two younger children moved out, leaving the oldest, 27, still at home. "I knew he had problems from the time he was in second grade," she says. "But I didn't dwell on it; I just kept thinking it would go away.

"Finally he became so bad he couldn't leave the house. He was drinking, and we knew it just couldn't continue this way.

"He was tested and evaluated, and they found out he had depression with a personality disorder. They put him on an antidepressant, and he had to sign a contract spelling out how he would behave around the house. Now instead of throwing him out, calling him names, we're in the gradual process of helping him be able to handle certain things."

The son has a full-time job now, Ann says. "It's been a series of progressive steps. Our next goal is to have him move out. Our real concern is that if something happened to us, he couldn't take care of himself. We want him to be able to."

In the meantime, she says, "We just run our lives like he isn't here. It's like we're alone. He has the bonus room all to himself, with a stereo, a TV, a tape deck."

Ann says she understands that things have changed since she left her own parents' home. "It's harder for kids to move out now, even if they don't have a problem like (her son's). When we moved out, we didn't have to go down so fast. Parents' homes are really nice, and in Orange County it's next to impossible for young people to afford a really nice apartment.

"But you have to be firm. That probably sounds really corny. If they run up charge card debts, don't pay them, because that's really not helping them. You just can't make everything too easy for them."

Readers:

You're the real experts on family life in Orange County. Give us your opinion. Share your experiences on these or other topics:

My One and Only

An increasing number of parents are deciding one child is all they can handle because of tight finances or simply because they want Junior to have their undivided attention. If your child is an only and you don't plan on more, tell us how you reached the decision, and how you compensate for the brothers and sisters your child never have.

Or Is One Too Many?

Some two-career couples are deciding that they just don't have room in their lives for children. If that describes you, tell us why, and how, you chose to be childless.

http://articles.latimes.com/1988-02-13/news/li-10997_1_adult-child-won-t-leave-home/2

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Best Way To 'Cut Off' Your Adult Children

A lot of life is about maintaining perspective and managing expectations… especially for people in retirement. One of the biggest challenges for new and soon-to-be retirees is how to say “no” to adult children. Whether it’s denying them money for a business idea, giving them cash to cover past due bills, or financing their divorce, chances are they’re going to keep asking until you go broke or say “no.”

Therefore, parents today, need specific, tangible tools, to not only salvage their retirement savings but also teach their adult children an important lesson: to be grateful for what they have and to make the most with what they are given. To get you started I’ve drafted a simple letter to help you deliver the news. It’s based on a popular letter sent home by a college student to mask her failing grades. This version will help your son or daughter see that your decision to “cut them off,” isn’t so bad after all.

Dear Son,

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I know you need some money to cover the bills your roommates stuck you with, and to start that new business. Well, several things have happened since we last spoke.

A few weeks back a young man came to our house and “guaranteed” we’d make a lot of money if we invested with him. We’d never heard of the company he was working for but it seemed reputable, and the ambitious salesman reminded Mom of you.

So, after a couple more meetings, we turned our savings over to him and, since he asked, even allowed him to stay in your old room for what we thought would just be a day or two. It turns out that his parents disowned him because his girlfriend is pregnant and they refuse to get married and go to church.

We were helping them pay for some of the tests and treatments for the unborn baby, but all that will have to stop now that your Mom and I are in therapy and facing our own challenges. Seems that Mom and Uncle Jerry have been in a relationship for several years and now she wants to move to Florida and live with him.

At the same time we’re getting our DNA tested and suggest you do the same. Your Mom says she isn’t sure if you are actually my son. I guess there’s a possibility you might be someone else’s. As you might imagine, all this has been pretty overwhelming and, I hate to admit it, but I have turned to alcohol and pills to help. I’ve tried sobering up but I only feel better after I swallow a couple pills and knock back a few drinks.

Worse yet, I found out today that our new financial guy was not disowned by his parents, and there is no “baby on the way.” But he did use our money to buy a new sports car, which he totaled, and is now going to jail for fraud.

Now that you’re up to date on everything I want to tell you we didn’t really turn our life savings over to a con artist, your Mom never slept with Uncle Jerry, and there’s no need for a DNA test to prove you’re our son. But we’re not sending you any more money, either. We just wanted you to see this decision in the proper perspective and to encourage you to count your blessings instead of your concerns.

Love,

Dad & Mom

While the letter and post is designed to splash some humor on the topic of retirement and adult children, it is a very real issue. In fact, a 2012 study by Ameriprise found that 93% of boomers have provided financial support to their adult children. 34% of who admit that helping their adult children has slowed down their retirement savings.

Further evidence comes from the National Endowement For Financial Education (NEFE) who reported that in 2011 almost 60% of parents provide some sort of financial support for adult children no longer in school. Financially speaking, 26% of parents have taken on additional debt; 13% have delayed a life event, such as buying a home or taking a vacation; and 7% have delayed retirement.

Therefore, don’t see supporting your adult children as an obligation or reason to put your plans, or life, on the back burner. Instead use the situation as a teachable moment they may not like at first, but will later come to appreciate.

For another moving story and out-of-the-box look at retirement, check out what this grandfather learned from his very busy grandson, Bobby.

P.S. Let me know if you enjoyed the story… and learn how to prepare your body, mind, and sprit for retirement with my and my book, Naked Retirement: Living A Happy, Healthy, & Connected Retirement

Follow Robert on Forbes.com or on Twitter @robertlaura

http://www.forbes.com/sites/robertlaura/2013/11/12/best-way-to-cut-off-your-adult-children/#6b30de5e3fda

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Should You Provide a Financial Bailout for Your Adult Children?

Before you rush to fix your child's problem, ask yourself whether you are truly helping him or her.

By Steve and Annette Economides

Grant and Melody (not their real names, but a real story), raised their son, Finn, in a traditional, faith-based home. When he graduated from college, Finn decided to join an online dating service to assist him in finding a wife. He didn't know how to carefully ask questions of his future bride, and ended up in a very difficult marriage to Shannon.

Sometime within the first 18 months of their son’s marriage, Grant and Melody became concerned. The young couple said some things that indicated they were having financial struggles. Every six months they moved to a new apartment, but then suddenly bought a house, so Grant and Melody thought things had worked out. Strangely, though, Finn hadn't consulted them, relying solely on input from his in-laws during their home purchase.

About a year later Finn and Shannon approached Grant and Melody needing money to make their mortgage payment. Wanting to help, Grant and Melody decided to lend the couple enough money to make the payment, and clearly communicated the repayment terms. They allowed Shannon to work off some of the debt by cleaning their home, deducting a fair wage each time she did. Shannon cleaned their home three times, and then decided that she'd rather not do the work.

Over the next few weeks Shannon and Finn both bought new tattoos, and Shannon purchased a purebred golden retriever for her brother's birthday present. It wasn't long after this that the loan payments stopped and Finn stopped returning his parents' phone calls.

Three months later Grant and Melody learned that the kids' had been evicted by the bank and their home had been repossessed. By this time, Grant and Melody were fairly certain that they'd never see their money again.

The young couple moved in with Shannon's parents, Bob and Carol. Early on Thanksgiving morning Grant and Melody's doorbell rang. Bob and Finn were standing there wanting to talk. Bob started by lecturing Grant and Melody about the importance of supporting their kids, and then encouraged them to show their love for Finn and Shannon by giving them a financial gift to make this Thanksgiving a time for them to be truly thankful.

Months earlier, Grant had learned some family history about Bob and Carol, which included some serious financial troubles and a home foreclosure. Grant and Melody felt extremely uncomfortable with Bob's request for money, but said that they would consider it.

Grant and Melody decided not to give any more money to their kids, and when they consulted us we encouraged them to stand firm with their decision.

Often gifts of money do nothing but delay the inevitable and often short-circuit the learning process. We reminded them that just like a drowning man could pull his rescuer under water, they could easily become financially compromised if they continued to bailout the kids. They may lose touch with Finn for a while, but we are convinced that eventually the good values they have infused in his life will help to restore the relationship and possibly his good financial sense too.

What can a parent do?

Grant and Melody's story is not uncommon. What can you, as a loving parent, do to truly help your children in a financial crisis without jeopardizing your own financial security? We recommend moderate actions to help, while measuring your child's commitment to real financial change. If his desire is superficial, you'll soon know and won't have invested thousands of dollars in a failed effort. If his intentions are genuine, your help may be the best encouragement you could give him.

Here are six effective bailout ideas to help without enabling:

1. Education. Buy him a book on managing finances or debt reduction or pay for him to attend a Crown Ministries or Financial Peace University class.

2. Groceries. Buy him a grocery gift card, several bags of groceries, or put together a care package and leave it anonymously on his doorstep. Everyone has to eat, and this can free up money to pay bills. If he continues to struggle for several months, help him locate nearby food banks or apply for food stamps.

3. Utility bills. Pay a bill or two, directly to the utility company. Don't give cash to your child.

4. Counseling. Pay for several sessions with a counselor to help your child get back on track mentally, physically, or relationally.

5. Medical bills. If your child is dealing with a serious medical condition and bills are piling up, contact a hospital social worker or a medical billing advocate (BillAdvocates.com). Consider paying a doctor directly for a past-due bill.

6. Practical help. Rather than giving your child money, visit him (even if he lives out of town) and offer to repair, improve, and organize things around his home.

And here are some things that won't help:

1. Money. Unless there has been evidence of good financial management skills in the past, cash bailouts simply delay the inevitable and create financial dependence, not independence.

2. Loans. Usually a consolidation loan or another type of borrowing isn't going to solve the problem. But if your child thinks borrowing is the answer, let her go through the process of working with a bank. Bankers are more careful and less emotional than parents. If the banker won't lend her the money, there's probably a good reason why you shouldn't either. If you do decide to lend your child money, write up a contract and stick to it.

3. Cosigning. Don't do it unless you're willing and able to pay for the entire item or loan yourself. Once again, if a lender says that they need a cosigner, then they probably think the borrower isn't credit worthy.

Bailout policy

Unlike many governments, we have a limited bailout policy. If our kids dig a hole for themselves, we'll counsel, encourage, and help them find resources, but we won't write a check to have the hole filled for them. There is much value in having to think and work your way out of a problem you created. Albert Einstein agreed when he said, "The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them."

If we bail out our adult kids, there is a great likelihood that they won't invest the mental energy to truly solve the root of their financial dilemma. The lesson will be unlearned and the problem repeated, costing even more next time.

Some of you may say, "Not bailing out your kids is totally uncaring. You're family, and that's what family is for!" We totally disagree. Is it truly loving to continuously enable self-destructive behavior?

You can hear more from Steve and Annette Economides on a recent FamilyLife Today® broadcast.

FamilyLife is a donor-supported ministry offering practical and biblical resources and events to help you build a godly marriage and family.

http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/ages-and-stages/adult-children/should-you-provide-a-financial-bailout-for-your-adult-children

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Stop Enabling Your Overly Dependent Adult Child

Learning how to sidestep guilt and be a positive influence for your adult child.

You see your son's phone number (for the line you are paying for) come up on your Caller ID. It is your day off from work and you planned to decompress. But it is, afterall, your child, and you love him, so you accept the call. As you hear his voice, you have conflicting thoughts including, “What the heck is it now?” immediately followed by your guilt for being wary of, and anxious about, what your son is seeking.

Your son goes on a twenty-minute rant about how his former boss was a jerk and that he still can't find another job. He mentions that he has no money for his car payment. You start to explain that you have financial pressures too and he immediately says, "Fine, don't worry about me!" You then say, "Only this time" but you know your words have a hollow ring, since you've said this so many times before. So, with mixed emotions, you agree to go by his apartment later to "loan" him money to pay his rent. As usual, he promises to pay you back, but you know that will never happen. You think about how this chaos is unsustainable (your son is only twenty nine years old) and wonder when he will ever learn to stand on his own two feet.

Do You Enable?

Enabling, is fixing problems for others and doing so in a way that interferes with growth and responsibility. Do you create an enabling dynamic for your adult child? If he, for example, buys a new audio system for his car instead of paying rent this would result in a consequence of losing an apartment. An enabler rushes in and removes the consequence, giving the adult child no reason or opportunity to learn a valuable lesson.

Helping Your Adult Child Without Enabling

Does helping your adult child tend to become a pattern of unhealthy rescuing? If you try to "save" your adult child every time he or she is in trouble, you may be making things worse in the long run. Do you struggle with knowing where to draw that fine (or not so fine) line between letting him learn how to stand on his own two feet and bailing him out? Parents, for sure, need to be thoughtful about how to assist their adult children without enabling them.

Adult children who remain overly dependent on their parents often are allowed to get into this situation because their parents enable them, as discussed above. Perhaps this relationship dynamic stems from parents who want to be needed. Setting boundaries with your adult child can sometimes be the best thing to do, even when it is hard to say, “I am here to listen and here’s what I can offer, but I also think you will feel better about yourself if you figure this out on your own.”

Whether you’ve got a 35 year old daughter who keeps asking for money while falsely claiming she will pay you back, or a 25 year old son who just can’t keep a job, adult children who behave immaturely can be stressful. I have seen many sad stories in my office of families with children over age 21 (in one case age 44!) who still are overly dependent on their parents. It can be very challenging for parents to set limits with adult children whom have become overly dependent. The parents often feel drained and emotionally depleted. They want their child to be happy on his own, yet they live in fear of not doing enough to help their child get there. This is by no means an easy situation!

In some cases these adult children may have significant mental health issues, including addictions, which need to be addressed. At the same time, mental health treatment does not have to be mutually exclusive from the adult child contributing to their recovery in any way they can. Too many times, however, I see parents overly rescuing their children from their problems. While it may feel good for parents to do this, the implicit (or even explicit) message to the child is, “You’re not competent to make it on your own.” Parents in this situation can help themselves to be mindful of enabling their child by being carefully considering the following questions:

• Does your child now act entitled to, and demand, things you once enjoyed giving—car privileges, gifts, perks at home, or rent money?

• Does it feel like you are living from crisis to crisis with your adult chld?

• Do you sacrifice too much to meet your adult child’s needs?

• Are you afraid of hurting your child?

• Are you feeling burdened, used, resentful, or burnt out?

Encouraging Them To LIve In Their Own Skin—Skin That’s Also in The Game

As children either graduate or quit school, they need to increasingly have “skin in the game” and strive toward being self-sufficient. This does not mean parents should abruptly put their adult child on the street. At the same time, the adult child needs to “own” his or her goals and plans to become self-reliant.

Sometimes, crises occur that send children back home such as a bad breakup, problems at college, or health issues. This is acceptable as long as there is a plan in place for the adult child to become independent.

Try not to be adversarial as you encourage your child to become more independent. The goal is to be supportive and understanding with a collaborative mindset. Be calm, firm, and non-controlling in your demeanor as you express these guiding expectations below to motivate your adult child toward healthy independence:

1. Encourage working children to contribute part of their pay for room and board.

2. Don't indiscriminately give money. Providing spending money should be contingent on children’s efforts toward independence.

3. Develop a response that you can offer in the event that you are caught off guard. Agree that you won’t give an answer for certain time period whether it be the next morning or at least for 24 hours. For example, the next time you get an urgent call that says, “I need money,” respond by saying, “I’ll have to talk it over with your father (or, if you are single, “I’ll have to think it over”) and we’ll get back to you tomorrow.” This will allow you time to consider it and give you a chance to think and talk about it beforehand. It will also show that you are remaining steady in your course while presenting a united front.

4. Agree on a time limit on how long children can remain at home.

5. If you can afford it, offer to help pay starting costs of rent on an apartment.

6. Make an agreement for decreasing contributions to rent until the child is fully responsible.

7. Remember that you always have the right to say, “I changed my mind” about a previous promise.

8. Set limits on how much time you spend helping your child resolve crises. Encourage the child to problem-solve by asking, "What are your ideas?”

9. Remember you are not in a popularity contest. Be prepared for your child to reject you. He or she will most likely come around later.

10. Attend support groups if your child has a substance abuse or emotional problem. Only give spending money to an adult child consistently involved in treatment.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy. He holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from the State University of New York at Albany and completed his post-doctoral internship at the University of Pennsylvania Counseling Center. He has appeared on the Today Show, Court TV as an expert advisor, CBS Eyewitness News Philadelphia, 10! Philadelphia—NBC, and public radio. Dr. Bernstein has authored four books, including the highly popular 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Perseus Books, 2006), 10 Days to a Less Distracted Child (Perseus Books 2007), and Why Can't You Read My Mind? You can follow Dr. Jeff on Twitter.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201404/stop-enabling-your-overly-dependent-adult-child

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Dealing With Demanding, Dependent Adult Children

Adult Children –Getting unstuck from your overly dependent, adult child

I have seen sad stories in my office of families with children over age 21 (in one case age 44!) who still are overly dependent on their parents. It can be very challenging for parents to set limits with adult children who have become overly dependent. The parents often feel drained and emotionally depleted. They want their child to be happy on his own, yet they live in fear of not doing enough to help their child get there.

In some cases these adult children may have significant mental health issues, which need to be addressed. Too many times, however, I see parents overly rescuing their children from their problems. While it may feel good for parents to do this, the implicit message to the child is, “You’re not competent to make it on your own.” Parents in this situation can help themselves to be mindful of enabling their child by being mindful of the following questions:

• Are you afraid to say “No"?

• Do you sacrifice too much to meet your adult child’s needs?

• Are you afraid of hurting your child?

• Does your child now act entitled to, and demand, things you once enjoyed giving—car privileges, gifts, perks at home, or rent money?

• Are you feeling burdened, used, resentful, or burned out?

Empowering your adult child and fostering independence

Try not to be adversarial as you encourage your child to become more independent. The goal is to be supportive and understanding with a collaborative mindset. Be calm and firm in your demeanor as you express these guiding expectations below to motivate your adult child toward healthy independence:

1. Encourage working children to contribute part of their pay for room and board.

2. Don't indiscriminately give money. Providing spending money should be contingent on children’s efforts toward independence.

3. Agree on a time limit on how long children can remain at home

4. If you can afford it, offer to help pay starting costs of rent on an apartment.

5. Make an agreement for decreasing contributions to rent until the child is fully responsible.

6. Remember that you always have the right to say, “I changed my mind” about a previous promise.

7. Make sure you are in full agreement on any financial support. Work out disagreements (with a therapist, if necessary) before presenting the child with a plan.

8. Set limits on how much time you spend helping your child resolve crises. Encourage the child to problem-solve by asking, "What are your ideas?”

9. Remember you are not in a popularity contest. Be prepared for your child to reject you. He or she will most likely come around later.

10. Attend support groups if your child has a substance abuse or emotional problem. Only give spending money to a child consistently involved in treatment.

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist, personal, and executive coach, and motivational speaker in the greater Philadelphia area. He has been on the Today Show, Radio, and has written four popular books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child. You can also follow him on twitter https://twitter.com/drjeff4help

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201204/dealing-demanding-dependent-adult-children

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Adult kids sucking the life out of me

I never dreamed I would be here writing this. I love my children but they have grown in into ALL ABOUT ME young adults. They are breaking me financially and emotionally. I am so hurt and in shock over how disrespectful they are. If their father was alive he would have never put up with this.
I am ashamed to say I almost look forward to when I am passed away and they have to fend for themselves. I do not know where to turn. I feel like they are slowly killing me with all their financial demands....Any suggestions?
I fantasize about working for the Peace Corps or seeing myself on Unsolved mysteries......how awesome to just disapear, just be gone, be missing, forever gone..... Being a parent is so overrated. I loved it when my children where small,it was the happiest time of my life. Now it is all about money, loans, money, money , money and money. It is so sad........... thanks for listening. Really thanks for listening...... I feel so trapped. Thanks

RESPONSES..

I understand. I truly do.
Times have changed.
Partly, the world has made it much harder for young people to get on their feet and be self-sufficient. When we were young, anyone could do this, if they only tried hard enough. Now, not so. It takes luck, resources, and family backing. Young people can't become self-sufficient adults anymore just by working hard, in many cases.

Partly also, kids don't seem to mind begging from (and bankrupting) their parents anymore. They see no shame in it. They take no pride in "making do" or "tightening their belts" to get through the rough times. Easier just to call mom for a hand-out. Self-respecting young men and women generally avoided that, when I was young. Now, it's just the way things are done.

I don't know what the world's coming to.
I feel a million years old, and I'm not yet forty.
But I do have grown kids also, and I know what you mean.
It makes one old before one's time. And now I'm pregnant again, so the hand-outs and loans (that never get paid back) are about to STOP.

You're not alone.
A lot of us are going through this.
Best of luck.

Thank you so much, really I cannot express the gratitude I feel towards you right now. I would hug you if I could. I have hit a low point. I feel terrible because my kids have been the best thing in my life. Yet lately I feel trapped and resentful and see no way out. It is the disrespect that hurts my heart so much. I know they are good but they do not know how I suffer and really I am not sure they care. It is a strange world out there right now.

I thank you so much and I am not usually such a whimp. I congratulate you on your newcoing arrival. I have 15 years between my children.. very planned and loved but very very hard. So you see I am doing this all over. I have grown children and children in college. Their dad passed away about 6 years ago.

I appreciate your response. I owe you and call on me for anything. Oleander

AND

Mom? Is that you???

Sorry, but really, you could be my mother! This is a conversation we have on a daily basis. She feels completely unappreciated and unloved, and feels like if she were to fall off the face of the earth right now, my other siblings wouldn't care, as long as she remembered to leave them her money. And she says the same thing you did, "If their father were alive...."

I can only tell you what I tell my own mother, and that is to try not to take it personally. I know your kids love you, but like most young people today, they sound like they've been warped by the ME ME ME mentality that has wrapped itself around just about EVERYONE these days! It comes from the media, and the stupid idiotic "experts," who are always spewing crap about "me time," it comes from magazines, self help books, you hear it all over the radio.... it's stupid, but it seems to be the new mentality of the day. So being all wrapped up in themselves, it's not likely that the even begin to understand the depth of hurt they are causing in you.... but they aren't doing it on purpose. That probably doesn't help much, does it?

I don't usually openly disagree with other posters on these boards, but I do have to disagree with Kali on just one point. It's not that hard to become self sufficient these days. But young people today have these ridiculous expectations and feel like they are entitled to whatever they want, and they refuse to make do with less. What? You want me to work at McDonalds? No way! I'm going to be the CEO of Company X, or I just won't get a job! There are no "starter" apartments anymore, and heaven forbid someone buys an "older" car! No, it has to be brand new, state of the art everything.... and budget? What's that??? It's not that it's any harder than it used to be, it's that young people aren't willing to do the work.

Sorry. That's just my rant of the day. I've seen it too many times, recently, and it BUGS me!

Anyway, Oleander, you really should stop giving your kids money. It will be hard at first, but they will thank you for it later. I have seen what giving money did to the relationship with my Mom and my siblings. They lost all respect and just treated her like their own personal bank. And did they appreciate it at all? Heck no! Did they use that money to improve their situations? Heck no! My Mom gave one of my siblings money to make his house payment, and instead he used it to enroll his daughter in dance classes that she did NOT want to take (she quit within the first 3 months), and then let his wife go on a shopping spree, because she just didn't have anything to wear that wasn't at least 2 years old! Good grief! And my other sibling was given money from my mom so that he could take it and pay off his car note, and instead, he spent it buying toys for his daughter, a fast food gift card for his daughter, and a season pass to a water park for his daughter. His daughter is a spoiled brat, by the way....

Anyway, my point is, somewhere in their hearts, I know your kids do love you. But somewhere along the way, your kids lost respect for you and for themselves. You'll never gain their respect back if you continue doing what you are doing. They'll never gain any self respect until they have to actually work for the things they have. It might mean they have to hit rock bottom first. I watched my own brother (the second one I mentioned) go through it. It was hard on him, but after he hit rock bottom and had to claw his way out on his own, he came back to my mother and thanked him for finally letting him fall. Their relationship is still shaky, but it's slowly getting better.

I don't know if any of this helped or not. I hope it does. It's not fair that you have worked all your life and sacrificed so much for your kids and then they treat you the way you do. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. I hate seeing my own mother go through it. Nobody should have to feel that way. Hope things get better!

Last edited by marisuela; 04-07-2011 at 04:34 PM.

Thank you so much and YES it did help very much. Great insight you have. I am starting to say NO more. I got married at 18 against my parent's wishes and they never let me come back home. Even when I asked to come home with a small baby in my arms. My dad said go back to your husband you are married. Well I did not go back and I went to a girlfriend's. I worked my way through RN School and it was really hard. But I did it and no one helped me. Then I got married again , had twins and then my husband died. I raised 3 kids alone and am fortunate to have had good jobs all along. I did not want my kids to go through what I did trying to struggle through school while working full time with a family.

But.......I am seeing when I was paying for my school you can believe I showed up for class, you can believe I passed my tests. When my utilities were due I paid them before I bought the new purse because NO ONE was there to pay my reconnect fees.

I have 3 great kids.....one is grown, through school, married and just had her first child. I do not worry about her. All a parent wants is to know is that their children are happy and can take care of themselves. As I head towards 60 I see my earning capacity is going downward....I need a new roof, new furniture, so many things I do not have so my kids CAN HAVE. I know this is my fault.

I cannot thank you enough for your response. I do think it cost more to live. I am from Los Angeles and we never had to pay for TV, we just had it because we lived so close to Hollywood. Now you need Satelite, a cell phone, home internet, car insurance and so on. I do think it is harder. We got by on less. I have also co signed all my kids college loans because they required a co signer. My parents would have NEVER done that ever.
Now maybe I understand why.

I will heed your advice. I need to allow them to gain their self respect back and mine. Hugs to you and your Mom must be proud. Oleander

I have a feeling this is more common then any of us realize. The same thoughts have been passing through my mind lately. We worked so hard for what we wanted in life. Went without more often then not. Our parents had no problem telling us no. Did they know something we don't?

It is not debatable that things have changed. As we did not need a collage degree or Technical training as much as in today's time. My hat goes off to you for putting yourself through school with a wee one.

Still how can we take care of ourselves if we still take care of our children that are no longer children. I also strongly agree with this way of thinking that certain jobs are beneath some kids. Heck I worked where ever hired me if I wanted anything at all. Society has changed & Ive seen it more then once on the news where parents are using investment money for retirement to put kids through collage.

Like you I love my kids more then anything & like you lately I feel do they love me back? Like you Ive given up more then I can say so they could have some kind of life. Not so much material things as I was not one to give this & that because so & so had it & it was the newest gadget out but sports & clubs & so on..... Just the other day my daughter who just turned 18 asked us about our bank account. I had no problem telling her it was none of her business & would never be. As she feels we are helping our eldest too much & it may cause problems for her upcoming first year at the University she chose. She has worked her tail off in school & achieved every award as far as school goes there for she feels she should not have to work & we should be ashamed more of less for asking her to. She also goes to high school out of district about 40 minutes from home, so you can imagine the gas money alone.

I just told my eldest she is cut off as she chose to move out of state with no planning what so ever & no job. The hardest part will be sticking to it but I sure am going to try. My husband & I have always disagreed as I was the one who thought they should work at home & out & he felt as long as they did well in school they did not have to. Now its hitting our pocket books so hard & no help around the house he feels a little different.

I feel for you & thank you, as after reading this I am determined more then ever to push them to become more independent. Heck I work in pain to provide & I think my husband & I deserve to have a life now & start thinking about our future here. Times are tough enough & I just told my youngest & eldest do not confuse love with money. I also let them know how much it hurts to feel like how much we love them is based on money.

There comes a time for tough love & pray it works. A long with hard work comes pride & the sooner they learn that the better off they will be.

When & where did things change so drastically with raising kids?

I just heard on the local new prom is a big spending event? I'm talking people spending thousands, are they crazy or what? Heck you can make memories without spending thousands or even hundreds. I told my daughter she has a choice help with her future education or prom? What will it be? Smart girl as she bought a used dress & I was shocked to realize she was listening.

I feel for you & don't feel bad you deserve a life. Your kids will love you no matter what. Once they figure out your more then just a bank.

I told my girls you have one set of parents, no one will love you more & it has nothing to do with money. They have to figure that out. Look out for your self & if need be let them know you have your own future to think of & you deserve to have some peace of mind. They have been lucky & blessed to have a mom willing to sacrifice as much as you have.

Take good care of yourself & don't give in. I'll try to follow my own advice & hopefully we will succeed & our kids will learn. I want you to known I feel the same right now, hurt & exhausted by thinking my kids just don't care.
I also want you to know I have heard other moms stating the same. They feel no appreciation & in some way used by the very children they love so much. So your not alone.
God bless, good luck & stand firm. Sammy

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/parenting-issues/843472-adult-kids-sucking-life-out-me.html

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Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out

By Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW

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Many parents today are faced with a dilemma: How do I support my adult child in becoming independent? Do I let my adult child live in my home while he or she struggles to find a job? These parents think, “The economy is bad…maybe there really are no jobs out there. Should I continue paying for things like my child’s vehicle, insurance, clothes and cell phone? Maybe I should move him into an apartment just to get him out and pay the first few months’ rent, but after that it’s up to him. Or do I just kick him out of the nest and hope he learns to fly?” Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner understand and have helped countless families in this situation. In their popular series on adult children in Empowering Parents, readers have learned why so many adult kids still live at home, and how adult children work “the parent system.” In Part 3, you’ll hear six specific steps that will help your adult child leave the nest.

The important thing to remember: your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen. It’s a privilege and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right – and always will be.

Related: How to set limits with your child, teen or adult child.

First of all, we understand that many families in today’s economy do share a household for financial or other reasons. If you’re in a situation where your adult child is living with you and it’s mutually beneficial – or at the very least mutually respectful – that’s fine. This article is intended to help parents whose adult child is dependent or lives at home in a situation that’s become uncomfortable or even intolerable. In recent articles, we’ve looked at how over time our society has moved from caring for our children to caretaking for our children, sometimes long into their adulthood. Many parents are held hostage by emotions: anger, frustration, disappointment, guilt and fear of what will happen if they do throw their adult birdie out of the nest without a net. Today, we’re going to give you some concrete steps to help that birdie finally fly!

Step One: Know Where You Are
The first task in moving your adult child toward independence is to assess where you are right now. Ask yourself these questions:

1. Are you in a place where your boundaries are being crossed and you need to establish some limits?

2. Are you willing to allow your adult child to live in your home, within those limits, as he or she moves toward being more independent?

3. Do you see your adult child as wanting to become independent, or as simply being more comfortable allowing you to take care of all their responsibilities?

4. Has the situation become so intolerable – perhaps even volatile – that your main concern is getting your adult child out of your house, as quickly and safely as possible?

Where you are with regard to your adult child will determine—in part —what steps you need to take next.

Step Two: Change Your View
Instead of picturing of your adult child as a little bird whose wings may not hold him up when he leaves the nest, think of him as fully capable of flying. Our emotions can cause us to be so afraid of what will happen to our kids that we think of them as children, rather than adults. In reality, your adult child is an adult—equal to you and equally capable of making it in this world. Thinking of him as incapable is actually a disservice to him and keeps you in parental caretaking mode. Your adult child may be uncomfortable with some of the steps you’re taking that encourage more responsibility but that’s okay. It’s what he needs to experience in order to make changes within himself. Changing your viewpoint will help you strengthen those “guilt” and “fear” emotional buttons.

Step Three: Identify and Strengthen Your Emotional Buttons
Identify ahead of time what your limits and boundaries are, what you’re willing to follow through with and which emotional buttons will most likely get you to give in. One parent told us, “I’m okay with my adult child not having extras (cell phone, video games, internet, haircuts) but I can’t let him be on the street. I know myself. I’ll never stick to it.” That parent knew they would allow their child to live in their home without the benefit of extras or entitlements, so that’s the boundary that was established. Turns out, that adult child decided those “extras” were important to him, so once his parent shut down the Parent ATM, he was motivated to get a job and pay for things—including an apartment—himself.

Related: Does your adult child have a substance abuse problem?

Step Four: Make Your Boundaries Clear
Once you’ve strengthened your emotional buttons, it’s time to share what the new reality will be with your adult child. If your adult daughter lives in a separate residence but still depends on you as a source of income, make your boundaries clear: state what you will and will not pay for. If you need to start out small and work your way up, that’s okay. If you just can’t stop buying groceries yet because you know you won’t follow through with allowing your daughter to eat at soup kitchens or wherever she can find food (friends, etc.), then start with things like cell phones, haircuts, money for gas, cigarettes, internet and other non-necessities. It’s her responsibility to locate resources: friends, churches, government assistance. Your adult child can always apply for assistance through government programs such as food stamps and rental assistance if she is truly unable to locate work and support herself.

If your adult child lives in your home, draw up a contract that specifies the terms of her living there. This is an agreement between two adults. Don’t think of her as your child; picture her as a tenant. Then you’ll be less likely to have your emotional buttons set off. (If your neighbor gave you a sob story about how much she needed a cell phone, would you buy it? And pay the monthly bill?) An adult child may decide he or she doesn’t like the contract and will decide to live elsewhere. More power to them! The important thing to remember: your adult child is not entitled to live in your home past the age of eighteen. It’s a privilege and you have every right to set the parameters. That’s always been your right – and always will be.

Step Five: Shut Down the Parent ATM (PATM)!
The key to launching your adult birdie is to make it more uncomfortable to depend on you than to launch. A huge part of making your adult child uncomfortable is to stop paying for all the “extras”: things he or she views as necessities that really aren’t. In this world, he can live without cell phones, internet, computers, haircuts, make-up, clothes from the mall, video games and any other leisure activity you can name. If he’s struggling, he can get clothes from Salvation Army or Goodwill. He can take the bus. He can eat cheap. (Think boxed macaroni & cheese and Ramen noodles. You know…what many of us ate when we didn’t have any money.) If he doesn’t have the money for cigarettes or alcohol– he doesn’t get them. Many adult children make a career out of working their parents to provide things for them that they can’t afford themselves.

Most people aren’t going to provide these things to your adult child. There is no Neighbor ATM, Friend ATM (well, maybe a few times, but they’ll shut that down real quick) or Third-Cousin-Twice-Removed ATM. But there is a Parent ATM. Why? Because we’re typically the only ones with emotional PINs that work to spit that money out! (Read the previous article on emotional buttons and continue to strengthen them, so you can stop paying for things that keep your adult child comfortable. Disconnecting those buttons—and turning off the Parent ATM—is probably the biggest step you will take toward launching your adult son or daughter.)

Look at it this way. Your adult son’s hair can get really, really long; he doesn’t need a haircut. He doesn’t have to text; he can write letters. Stamps are less than a dollar vs. a $50/month data package. He can live without these things. Truly. He just doesn’t want to. It’s okay for your adult child to be uncomfortable; we’ve all been uncomfortable and survived. It’s actually a good thing and necessary for change.

This is the key: change occurs when things feel uncomfortable, out of balance or unsteady for a person. It’s what motivates them to find their equilibrium again, through employment, returning to college, offering their services through odd jobs or whatever it takes to get the things in life that they want.

Related: How to give consequences that work.

Step Six: Enough is Enough
Some parents have adult children at home who are abusing them verbally or even physically. You have the right to live in your own home, free from abuse, intimidation or disrespect. Anytime someone treats you in this way, they are violating a boundary and sometimes violating the law. It’s your right to establish personal boundaries that keep you physically and emotionally safe. In other situations, some adult children are not quite abusive, but they have literally worn out their welcome by taking and taking (financially and emotionally) without giving in return. The bottom line is you do not have to feel guilty about moving your adult child into independence so you can have your own life back. You have the right to spend your money on things for yourself. You have the right to enjoy peaceful evenings in your own home. You have the right to have the environment you want in your home. You’ve raised your child. He’s an adult now. You are not expected to provide for him any more than your parents are expected to provide for you as an adult.

If you are in a situation that is intolerable with your adult child and have decided he needs to move out of your home, the following steps will help:

Remember to strengthen those emotional buttons. If your adult child typically pushes the “guilt” and “sympathy” buttons in order to stay dependent and comfortable, prepare yourself for what’s coming and come up with a plan on how you’ll handle it. You might even try making some note cards or adopt a slogan to remind yourself that you have the right to have your own home, free from negativity or meeting another adult’s needs.

Next, contact your local court to gather information about what legal steps you can take to move your adult child out. Many states require you to serve a “Notice to Quit” to any adult living in your home. If your adult child still refuses to leave, you may need to follow up with an Eviction Notice that gives a deadline for him to move out, typically thirty days. If your adult child still refuses to leave, your local police department can enforce the eviction and will often notify the person that they will be escorted out of the home anywhere from 24 to 48 hours later. (Note: We aren’t able to address all legalities fully in this article due to the fact that each state differs in its laws regarding eviction.)

Related: Is your child verbally abusive?

Eviction steps may sound harsh but remember to think of your adult as a tenant. If you’re to the point of evicting your adult son or daughter out of your home, things have probably reached a point that is simply intolerable for you. Your adult child may resist moving out at first, but again, the more uncomfortable he is, the more likely he is to leave on his own accord. If you fear violence or other repercussions from your child because of these steps, it’s beneficial to seek out local resources on domestic violence and/or contact the court regarding your right to a restraining order. Safety always comes first and if you’re in a domestic violence situation with your adult child, you’ll want to talk with someone knowledgeable about a safety plan.

A Side Note…
If you’re living with a spouse or long-term partner who is not on the same page as you, it can make putting these steps into effect extremely difficult. You can only control yourself. If it’s causing serious conflict, you may want to seek counseling regarding how you can come to a mutual agreement.

The Bottom Line
Many, many young adults are struggling to become independent in today’s generation. Yes, the economy is bad and our country is experiencing hard times. But that’s nothing new. We’ve gone through recessions and depressions in the past. Families used to have “leftover parties,” where they got together and turned their leftovers into a meal. They used to wait until the weekend to talk on the phone to long-distance relatives so the rates were lower. Sometimes there wasn’t a yearly vacation and kids brown-bagged it instead of buying hot lunches. There’s nothing wrong with a family pulling together to make it in today’s world. The difference with many of the young adults in today’s generation seems to be in the sense of entitlement and the aversion to sacrificing in order to make it. Gone are the days of “If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it.” Today, society is all about technology and instant gratification. But it’s not too late to teach our adult children the values of delayed gratification and working for things they desire. It’s okay for them to be uncomfortable and realize they have the ability to survive hard times through self reliance. If your guilt or fear buttons start reacting, remember: we give our kids these lessons out of love.

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/failure-to-launch-part-3-six-steps-to-help-your-adult-child-move-out/

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BBC - The Kippers who won't leave home

Almost 1 million adults are still living with their parents even though they are approaching 40, a study says.

The Prudential has dubbed those who refuse to fly the nest "Kippers", for "kids in parents' pockets eroding retirement savings".

Overall, it said 6.8m over-18s live with their parents. Less than half pay rent, and many are given cash to spend.

A Prudential spokesman said the study showed how parents needed to plan their finances "for every eventuality".

The rising costs of housing and further education, together with a reduction in state support, have previously been identified as factors making young people stay at home for longer.

But this survey reveals just how much a drain on resources an adult child can be.

It found that many adults continue to live off their parents even after they have left home.

Four out of 10 parents continue to help children out when they leave home - at a total cost, last year, of £20bn.

Almost 5m helped with a deposit for a home
6m paid for weddings
Nearly 8m paid towards further education
6.5m bought cars for their offspring
Nearly 3m paid for their child's travels
2m paid for their gap year
1m started a pension for them
8m opened a savings account or investment product for their adult child.

Angus MacIver, director of research at Prudential, said: "The findings may come as a rude shock to parents who expect their kids to be out the door when they turn 18 - these days parents may be stuck with them for much longer.

"While this may not be a problem in itself, the real worry is how much these kids cost - and the extent to which they eat into parents' retirement savings.

"Whether our kids leave home at 18, 20 or 30 years of age, families need to plan ahead for every eventuality.

"Not only do they need to plan to help their children, they also need to balance that with the need to plan their own retirement.

"Kicking-off a savings scheme or pension as early as possible for their kids is an excellent start."

Do you still live with your parents? Why are more people staying at home? Send us your stories?

They've been an absolute rock for me

Chris, UK

Being 28, I have been forced to live with my parents through my own bad financial planning, and the collapse of the IT job market. They've been an absolute rock for me and I'm very grateful for it. However I am moving to the US and getting married next year. I have to sympathise with people, still with parents, that have no long-term plans, as the freedom lost, and the burden on parents, simply must get too high after a time.
Chris, UK

I'm 22 and I still live at home. I pay rent, buy most of my own food and drink and help out around the house. Recently I've been more and more anxious to move out, and I have been looking at property. However, the cost of housing at the moment is ridiculous and getting a reasonable mortgage is becoming increasingly difficult. It appears that my only options available at the moment are to either stay at home, buy a rundown house or rent.
Mat, UK

Once again those of us who can't afford to live home are mocked. This time by the Prudential. I am the main breadwinner in my household and with two ageing parents to support. I am fast becoming a financial and physical carer. Let's have a discussion about how many of these so called kippers are actually carers. We are destined to support OAPS and supplement their pension because the pension industry (including the Pru) have proved to be an insufficient way of saving for the future.
Anon, UK

Why do family ties have to end at 18 years of age? Rather than investing in unknown quantities such as the stock market, parents should invest in their own offspring to create a more comprehensive team unit which would have obvious benefits for all (including less reliance on retirement homes, for example). As long as parents refuse to take responsibility for rearing their children, their children will be unable to take THEIR responsibility as adults.
Suzi, England

I find it really frustrating being at home

Sinead, Ireland

I am 28 and still live at home - not by choice I must say. I rented for a few years before coming back to try and save for a deposit for a house. While renting this was proving impossible due to the high cost of renting and rising house prices. I find it really frustrating being at home and as soon as I am in a position to move out I will. At least though my parents are in a position to have me stay - otherwise I'd never have a chance to buy my own place.
Sinead, Ireland

House prices are too high for first time buyers and rent is too high unless you share. I know so many "Kippers" who would love to be able to move out of home but even with a full time job can't afford to.
Howard Gees, England

When I finished university I never went home to live again. Having got a job and a place to rent, there was no need to continue to strain my poor parents who had already had me for 18 years! Self sufficiency is also far more rewarding and the stepping stone towards making your own family and life. People need to get out more!
Anthony, England

If you treat your kids like outsiders, expect to be treated the same

A. Patel, UK

This is the very basis of our family values. East Asian culture provides us with a different insight into the values of family life and we do not consider children as "adults" par se, as far as living at home and depending upon parents is concerned. In fact, it would be considered greatly disrespectful to pay money to parents, unless there were financial constraints, which as parents, we would consider to be our great misfortune. If you treat your kids like outsiders, expect to be treated the same. Having family comes with responsibility that does not wear off with time - you can't have your cake AND eat it!
A. Patel, UK

I had to move back to my parents home a couple of years ago as the financial strain of university has left me in massive debt and the cost of finishing my training before taking a full-time job is so high that it would be financial suicide for me to consider moving out.
Nick Diable, 24, UK

The average graduate job (not with a blue chip company) gives a starting salary of about £19,000 within London. Add to this the cost of renting, transport, and general living costs, plus thousands of pounds of student debt, and what other choice do we have? Put it this way, it is not my ideal situation to still be living with my parents at 24, and is especially difficult after having lived away at university for 4 years.
Simm, UK

It's not so much that I live with my Mum as such but we share a house with separate living quarters. I take on the duties of driving her to her appointments, grocery shopping, etc and she will prepare a meal for me roughly three times a week. Not only does it help me but it also ensures that she eats a decent meal with meat and vegetables at least 3 times a week. My Mum is now 82 and it was easier for this arrangement to work vs having her live 90 minutes roundtrip away and me having to drive out every weekend. The house we purchased together in town which makes life a bit easier for both of us.
Glynis Farr, Canada

I wonder if the Prudential has taken into account that many adults who still live with their parents, myself included, pay rent or contribute towards the family income in some other form. With house prices continuing to rise in this country, particularly in the southeast, it is becoming increasingly difficult to get onto the property ladder. Without my parents support, there is just no way I could afford to buy my own property. My only option is to live at home and save as much of my income as possible.
Dan Lavis, UK

In the event of having an adult child living with me when I hit retirement, they can stay if they must but there's no way I'm paying for them as well. I had to pay half my salary in rent to my mum when I first started work and, whilst I can appreciate that leaving the nest might be much harder these days, having carefully planned my future, I'm not going to have it sabotaged by feckless offspring.
Bridget, London, UK

God help me, I'm Timothy Lumsden! I live with my parents because I've been unable to get a job and have returned to university to study for an MSc. Even when I do start earning money again, there is no way I can even begin to afford a house within the next five years. I think the house price insanity in Britain must account for a lot of us 'kippers'.
Darren Ross, England

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/3276039.stm

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Why Your Twenty-Something Just Won't Leave The Damn House

Parenting fail, or smart move?

Parenting is hard. You raise tiny humans from infancy, instill in them excellent morals, values and ethics, teach them to read, and ride bicycles, support them through their awkward middle school years and — miraculously — love them all throughout high school. No wonder it's conventional wisdom that empty nesters celebrate hard and heavy when their last child packs his bags and leaves.

But what about the kids who don't leave the nest? What about the kids who just won't leave the house?

Pew Research found that 36 percent of young adults ages 18-31 still live at home with their parents. This number is rising steadily, up from 32 percent in 2007 and 34 percent in 2009.

Why is this? The research suggests socio-economic factors, like a declining marriage rate and poor job growth, as well as an increase in college enrollment. This makes sense — if you can't find a job, you won't have cash flow. And with no cash flow, it's hard to fund your first apartment.

But what I'm really interested in are the deeper reasons so many kids stay home for so long. Finances are a factor, but are they everything?

First, a little background: I'm a twenty-something who's lived at home. A lot. I have my own place now, thankyouverymuch, but it certainly wasn't always that way.

Once, throughout my shaky trajectory, my mother wrapped her arms around my weepy shoulders and said, with sympathy, "I don't know why it's so hard for you and your sister. You're both just not normal." I believe she meant this in the most loving, supportive way possible.

I wonder if, despite all the social and cultural lamenting over parents' bad luck, they're the ones allowing this Peter Pan syndrome to continue.

Now, don't get me wrong. If that's the case I'm terribly glad mine did, and I also want to be expressly clear that my mother and father are exemplary, patient people who I hope I grow up to be just like. I don't think they made any irreversible or traumatic parenting mistakes, and in fact, I would love to emulate their style if and when I have children of my own.

The real issue here is that we stigmatize adult children who need a boost — be it financial or emotional — and seek it from the network closest to their hearts: their families.

I would have been in big trouble if I had nowhere to go after college, or culinary school, or breakup number 1 or 2 (or 9). I'm exceptionally lucky that my parents continually not only allowed but invited me back into their home to find my footing and figure out my direction.

Families are made of a tight-knit fabric that is extraordinarily comforting to both parents and children alike.

Recreating the living situation you shared during an earlier, simpler time can remind everyone involved to slow down, appreciate the support system and move forward at a pace that feels comfortable.

And while kids my age may complain about living with their folks, most I know (myself included) actually love spending time with them. I consider mine my best friends — and not just because they're morally obligated to let me say that.

Are there financial considerations involved for most adult children who live at home? Of course, and there were for me, too. Because my parents took care of my "rent" issue for a considerable amount of time, I was able to pursue poorly paid ventures about which I cared deeply, writing being at the forefront of that list.

Is the economy really in such a state that millennials are forced into mom and dad's basement as they send out resume after resume? I find this irrelevant. There are jobs to be had — perhaps not our dream jobs, but jobs indeed — and lack of employment has never been my main reasoning for living with my parents.

As for that bit about folks my age increasingly checking the "single" box and using that as an excuse for a lack of footing? Well, yeah. Trust me. I'm working on that one.

Ultimately, I find this study intriguing for what it doesn't explore: the emotional, nostalgic reasons why young adults choose to live at home. It feels good, it's safe, and, at the end of the day (or year, or, God help us, decade), maybe it is just enough of a push for us baby birds to really spread our wings.

http://www.yourtango.com/2013189960/parenting-pitfalls-when-your-kids-just-wont-leave-home

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When to cut off adult children who aren't financial grown-ups

It's natural for parents to want to help and support their children. But should that help continue well into adulthood? By helping too much, parents run the risk of imperiling their own financial future and creating dependence.

"The reality is that you are not doing the adult kids any favors at all by always bailing them out," said certified financial planner ReShelle Barrett, a senior vice president with Bill Few Associates.

The Great Recession rewrote some of the rules of financial independence for many young adults. With jobs scarce, student debt soaring and foreclosures hitting, it wasn't uncommon for grown children to take refuge in their childhood homes.

"If they're typically financially responsible but have fallen on hard times, you are going to want to be there to help them, and that's fine," said Joe Franklin, a CFP and founder of Franklin Wealth Management.

Those were unusual circumstances, and even hardworking children found themselves in financial straits. It's a general "open wallet" policy that financial advisors say is dangerous for parents and children alike.

"People don't want to cause their kids any pain or any stress," said Joel Larsen, a CFP and principal of Navion Financial Advisors. "One day you're not going to be around anymore. Do you want your kids learn to deal with the world when they're 60?"

Avoiding financial ruin

It's fine to make a lavish gift to adult children now and again, especially for children who are otherwise diligent and make no demands. But always coming to the rescue can jeopardize both your child's drive and your retirement security.

"In the final descent to retirement, there's not a huge buffer for you," said Ken Geraghty, a CFP with Eagle Strategies. A child in his or her 30s or 40s has lots of options for income generation; a retiree does not.

Take one of Joel Larsen's clients, a 70-something widow who always swooped in to rescue her three children. "One needed help starting a business; another needed a down payment on a house or a new car," Larsen said.

"If children are buying a house and counting on help from Mom and Dad, then it's probably a house they can't afford." -ReShelle Barrett, senior vice president at Bill Few Associates

The woman had a comfortable retirement that wasn't too extravagant, but her constant gifts soon depleted her investment account and, later, her emergency savings. When she came clean to Larsen, he called her children and asked for the money back. "They all said, 'Sorry, I can't,'" he recounted.

Before long, the client had a medical issue and needed care. With her assets gone, the only care she could get was in a Medicaid nursing home. Had she not made those handouts, she could have afforded a better facility or received care at home, Larsen said.

Now when clients say they want to help their adult children, he offers to run the numbers for them and tell them how it will impact their retirement plans. "That way, they can say, "My financial planner says I can't afford it,'" he said.

The right help

There are several categories of gifts that advisors caution against. The first is help with a down payment. Parents who provide a down payment outright may be facilitating home buying before their children have the maturity that comes with saving for it.

Helping with a bigger down payment has other problems. "If children are buying a house and counting on help from Mom and Dad, then it's probably a house they can't afford," Barrett at Bill Few Associates said.

Parents are also too quick to help their children start a business. Plenty of small businesses fail, and parents need to protect themselves.

"You need to have something legally in writing that protects you as an investor in that business," Barrett said. "If the business defaults and can't pay its creditors, those creditors can come after your personal assets."

Gifts vs. loans

Some advisors, such as Franklin of Franklin Wealth Management, believe that when parents make substantial cash outlays to help their kids, they should expect to be paid back. He advises his clients to draw up a contract and charge interest. "As a parent, you have to feel proud when they pay your money back, knowing they are on the path to financial independence," he said.

By Internal Revenue Service rules, you must charge a minimum interest rate. In March the Applicable Federal Rate was 0.40 percent for loans up to three years, 1.47 percent for loans of three to nine years and 2.19 percent for loans longer than that. "If they don't pay you back, it's now a gift," Franklin said.

Gifts that are more than $14,000 (or $28,000 per couple) are taxable, though "most people are not even aware about the gift tax," said Geraghty. If tax is not paid, then larger gifts will need to be accounted for and taxed at that time.

Some parents go one step further and deduct gifts from their children's inheritance. "I had a client who said that when she passes, her son is not going to get anything, that it was going to the other children because he had already gotten so much from her in the form of handouts," said Franklin.

Of course, financial dependence is a two-way street and the result of a lifetime of financial lessons never learned. The best defense against dependent children, advisors say, is increasing financial responsibility as children grow. And letting them fail when they're young is a lesson that will stay with them long after their parents are no longer there to bail them out.

—By Ilana Polyak, special to CNBC.com

http://www.cnbc.com/2015/05/01/when-to-cut-off-adult-children-who-arent-financial-grown-ups.html

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How to Kick Your Adult Slacker Out of the House: How to Toss the Boomerang Kid

Michael P. Tremoglie
Sep 5, 2014 2:38 PM EDT

· NEW YORK (MainStreet) — Getting your 30-something offspring to leave is not as easy as simply putting his bags on the doorstep. Quite the contrary, it is an involved legal process. A lot more complicated than the romcom movie “Failure to Launch” would have you believe - and it is a problem that is becoming increasingly more common.

· Read More: Would You Charge Your Adult Kid Living at Home Rent?

· More and more today’s 20 and 30-somethings are living with their parents. It is not always a happy arrangement.

· According to Pew Research Survey, a full one out of four adults who move back in with - or never left - their parents homes are saying the arrangement has a deleterious effect on their relationship.

· Read More: How to Get Rid of Your Boomerang Kid

· Pew states 61% of adults ages 25 to 34 have friends or family members have moved back in with their parents over the past few years because of economic conditions. 29$ of parents of adult children report that a child of theirs came back home to live with them in the past few years for economic reasons.

· Multi-generational family households are at the highest rate they have been since the 1950’s said Pew. The figure has increased to 21.6 percent in 2010, the most recent available data, from 15.8 percent in 2000.

· The nadir of this cohort was in 1980. Then only 11% of of 25- to 34-year-olds lived in multigenerational households. But the amount has risen steadily since then. It spiked upward beginning with the 2007 recession.

· With the 2014 college grads greeting the real world with an average of $33,000 in student debt, and with job prospects grim -- Millennials face a 15.2% unemployment rate compared to the 6.1% in the rest of the population -- often there's no choice but to move back in with Mom and Dad and eat Wheaties in the basement.

· If everyone gets along, there is no problem. But more and more parents are losing their patience. When parents have reached their limit and want their offspring out, they find it is one of the most emotionally exhausting familial events there is. It ranks right up there with a divorce in terms of gut wrenching experiences.

· Free legal advice blogs and parenting chatrooms are jammed with parents seeking advice. This June 2012 question to Ask-a-Lawyer Free Legal Advice.com is typical:

· Can you legally throw out an adult child without a legal eviction?

· Question Details: A 22-year-old moved back in with parents almost a year ago and will not follow rules (keep his room clean or work more than two days a week to afford his bill or pay his own way).

· So what happens when the arrangement turns sour?

· There are different legal avenues which apply to different circumstances that parents can pursue. One is an “action of ejectment.” An eviction would be used if there is a landlord- tenant relationship. But absent this, the ejectment is the procedure.

· Ejectments come into play if the slacker is living in a vacation home or a house the parents were using for a rental property or a property they that they are putting up for sale. This involves going to court and getting an order to vacate the property.

· The other option is a "defiant trespass." This comes into play if the slacker is living in the parents' house and refuses to leave.

· “If the child is an adult, the parents have no legal obligation to house him,” said Pat Biswanger of the law firm of Palmarella and Curry, in suburban Philadelphia. “In the case of an adult child who refuses to leave, the parents can call the police and ask them to prosecute the child for defiant trespass. If the police won’t do it for some reason, the parents can go to the magisterial district justice and file a private complaint for defiant trespass and get a court order telling the child to leave.”

· One thing legal experts do caution against is what is known as “self-help” measures. The law provides that even though the person is a guest in your house or is staying in your guest house or vacation home etc., the person cannot be summarily removed.

· What are self-help measures? The law defines self-help as “the protection of one’s own person or property through personal means without resort to the legal process.” They include things like turning off the water or changing the locks. If you do, the person may have a cause of action against you.

· What if threats of violence are made?

· “I know of cases where the adult child is mentally ill and abuses, or threatens to abuse, his parents,” Biswanger responded. “In that case, the parents can go to court and get a protection from abuse order that would forbid the child from entering the premises. The parents should contact a domestic violence program for assistance in those circumstances. They can be very helpful.”

· What about if the scions vandalize the vacation home or a house the parents are putting up for sale?

· Biswanger said that if the adult offspring became vindictive and vandalized the place, the parents would have to file criminal mischief or similar charges, and then seek recovery from him and/or their insurance company.

· So next time your kid - or anyone - who is down on his luck and needs a place to stay “temporarily” - keep in mind if he refuses to leave, you have to take legal action. Just throwing the person out or calling the police is not going to get it done.

· The old saw about “no good deed goes unpunished” is a fact of life when one has a kid who is failing to launch.

· --Written by Michael P. Tremoglie for MainStreet

https://www.mainstreet.com/article/how-to-kick-your-adult-slacker-out-of-the-house-how-to-toss-the-boomerang-kid

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CANADA: True Patriot Love Foundation launches Highway of Heroes concert tour

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Canada- Entitled Dependency...why wont grown ADULT children leave home and why 2 much bumming/?links always/#BOMERANG/ what happened since the late 1980s? #FeelTheBern @TheDailyShow

USATODAY.com - Get a life, parents and let adult child have one, too

Grown kids return to the nest — and regress - Health - Children's ...

How to Deal With a Child That Is 20 & Won't Leave Home or Get a Job

The new 20-somethings: Why won’t they grow up?

They're unemployed, living with their parents and waiting longer to get married. What happened to young adulthood?

Have the awkward conversation

Talk about, ahem, money

And talk about chores

Then there are sex and drugs

Things will get tricky

Speak to them in their language

Exploit their skills

Enjoy the energy

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Best Way To 'Cut Off' Your Adult Children

Should You Provide a Financial Bailout for Your Adult Children?

Stop Enabling Your Overly Dependent Adult Child

Adult Children –Getting unstuck from your overly dependent, adult child

Failure to Launch, Part 3: Six Steps to Help Your Adult Child Move Out

By Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW

How to Kick Your Adult Slacker Out of the House: How to Toss the Boomerang Kid

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