CANADA MILITARY NEWS: Ant n Grasshopper CANADA POLITICAL STYLE- politics included –biting hilarious stories jokes and cartoons from waaaaay back and great site- GETCHA CANADA ON/political science made eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasy- come on u know u’ll love it

 JOKE: pssst CBC u know this is your style and Taliban Jack's NDPs.... we remember our Canadian troops on the ground when u put them through HELL...... with their brothers and sisters being butchered right in front of them.... and u protecting the baby monster killing Taliban machine...

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER CANADIAN STYLE
You’ve all heard the fable about the ant and grasshopper, right? Here’s a made-in-Canada version that might bring a chuckle or two.


CLASSIC VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. – THE END


THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant’s house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing “We Shall Overcome.”
Svend Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share”. In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant’s taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant’s food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed and Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose and the Winnipeg Free Press blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada’s multicultural diversity, which promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community. – THE END

CBC TELEVISION IS DEVELOPING A CANADIAN VERSION OF “SURVIVOR” the popular TV show.
The rules are simple:
Each contestant must travel to Alberta and go from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with bumper sticker that reads:
I voted for Chretien, I’m Gay and I’m here to Take your Guns”.
The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner.

MEDIA NEWS...

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 O CANADA... ONE SERIOUS NOTE as an old worker in Immigration Canada :

Global Youth vs incredible 1% Greed - we need 2 fix this... even in our Canada..... let the youth of Europe, Asia and Americas come visit, work and study in our Canada- serious.

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BLOGSPOT:

CANADA MILITARY NEWS: Disabled have great sex lives folks and always have/CHINA teaching disabled children and youth about embracing their sexuality and it's healthy/ SEXTING- what it means global articles/ PLATO - Asexual- Platonic love and friendships work and millions and millions like the honesty of asexality/ MASTERBATION is healthy folks- get used 2 it

http://nova0000scotia.blogspot.ca/2015/07/canada-military-news-disabled-have.html

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GETTING A CANADIAN PASSPORT
Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a T.V. cable from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, it’s on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years, my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight bloody passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that will ever change between now and when I die!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals workin’ there?! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Araft, for crying out loud. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?! If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that’d be too easy and maybe make sense.
You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the stupid picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re ticked off!
Signed – An Irate Canadian Citizen

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WORLD HISTORY – WHAT THEY WON’T TEACH YOU, EH?
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during
the summer and would go to the coast and live onfish and
lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the
foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst
for the division of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Other sub groups trended to appear at times like the NDP and the
Greens but these were soon discovered as aberrations of the
Liberals and tended to die off prematurely.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human
ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement”.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of “the Liberal movement”. Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as ‘girlie-men.’
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the
concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented
the designated multicultural rule because it wasn’t “fair”
to have a Canadian cultural identity.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, soldiers, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the
producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Canadians.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to Canada. They crept in after the West
was settled and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
leave an angry comment or assert that Conservatives are “scary”
and have a “hidden agenda”.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced
of the absolute truth of this history that “true believers” will be
confirmed in the supreme righteousness of Conservative thought.
While it may be true that these facts are mildly distorted,
I’ll bet you ended up with a smile, unless of course you are
from Ontario and always vote Liberal which tends to keep
Canada in a perpetual state of mediocrity.




THE GOVERNMENT CAT
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
“What can your cat do?”
The Government Employee called his cat and said…..”Coffee Break…..do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet…. ate the cookies….. drank the milk….. sh*t on the paper……. screwed the other three cats……… claimed he injured his back while doing so……… filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……. put in for Workers Compensation……..and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave


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Dear Canada Revenue

CUSSING
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we
started cussing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m
gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some
Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be
Cheerios!”

IT VS MANAGEMENT
A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended further and shouted to the lady “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am”
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be in IT,” said the balloonist.
“Actually I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my f***ing fault…”

LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE?
I was traveling between Toronto and Ajax the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”.
“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.
“You a Liberal or Conservative,” asked the old man.
“Conservative,” I replied.
“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, “Conservative.”
The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Conservatives.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative.
“Liberal” I shouted.
“Hop in!” replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.”
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Liberal for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody”.

HAVE A POLITICALLY CORRECT INTERVAL
The standard ‘Merry Christmas & Happy New Year’, after it has been redesigned by our Investment Committee, passed the Socially Responsible Investment filter, been cleared by Compliance and carries the benefit of input from Legal Counsel:
“Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender and carbon neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice any religion at all; plus, a fairly taxed, fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of the other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preference of the wishees.”
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
Bob Hoye
Published by Institutional Advisors

  

LIFE LESSONS
Lesson Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson 1: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson 2:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons 3:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

O CANADA - ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the far north will be cold while the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. “What about balance, God. You said there would be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the size of the loud biker gang I’m putting next to them.”

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God Bless Canada- I'm proud to be Canadian lee Greenwood sent for Canadian troops - he was amazed at Canada's love and devotion for our fallen and the Highway of Heroes..... the Brits and Aussies say we Canadians shamed them.....

GOVERNMENTIUM
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

GRADE 6 HISTORY TEST
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin covered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
15. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Postscript – It might interest you to know that the students who took this test all moved on to grade 7!

HOW WALL STREET WORKS
An author out of Bangalore who goes by “Thejendra BS” sent this parable:
“Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.” The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.”

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

TWO BEARS
Two bears were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Bear, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Bear.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down near the parking lot.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Bear, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s
nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.

1ST GRADE LOGIC
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don’t change horse ……… until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ……… bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before ……… Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ……. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ……… How?
6. Don’t bite the hand that ……… looks dirty.
7. No news is ……… impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ……… Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new ……… Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll ……… stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ……… Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ……… pigs.
13. An idle mind is ……… the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s ……… pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ……… gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is …….. not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s ……… the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ……… you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ……… You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ………. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ………. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed ……… get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ……… See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ……… get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand ……… is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than ………. Pregnant

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JOKES- DEFINING CANADA AND POLITICAL SCIENCE MADE EASY..... not one thing has changed...



POLITICAL SCIENCE MADE EASY
LIBERAL
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Bono sings for you.
CONSERVATIVE
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
NEW DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, HARPER STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, DION STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
ONTARIO CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
QUEBEC CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BI-LINGUAL CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s English.
The English cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the English cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
[Steve, an old friend of mine added this]
CANADIAN LAWS
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You have no license to own them
You are jailed and your cows are confiscated
Your neighbor has taken the cow ownership course and has an acquisition certificate for same. He gets your cows

LETTER TO DAD AND DAD’S ANSWER
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
—————————————————————-
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

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IF COLLEGE STUDENTS WROTE THE BIBLE
Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
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CANADIANS ARE POLITE??? -The Molson commercial

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
.
If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing ..
.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations .
.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in Information technology.
.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing…
.
If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning..
.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management

REVENUE CANADA – THE TAX MAN
A bright, young, fresh out of school tax auditor just joined Revenue Canada excited to begin tracking down high powered offenders – just like the Enron or WorldCom guys.
Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books, his taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi”, he said, “I noticed you buy a lot of candles”.
“Yes” answered the Rabbi.
“Well Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
A good question noted the Rabbi “We actually save them up and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then they send us a free box of candles”.
“Oh” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer so he thought he’d go on in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs from the matzo?”
“Ah yes” replied the Rabbi calmly “we collect up all the crumbs and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then they send us a box of matzo balls”.
“Oh” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well Rabbi” he went on “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada”.
“Revenue Canada” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah yes” replied the Rabbi, “Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a little prick, just like you”.

WORK VS PRISON
Just in case you ever get these two environments
mixed up, this should make things a little more clear:
IN PRISON……….you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK…………you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
.
IN PRISON……….you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…………you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
.
IN PRISON………you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…………you get more work for good behavior.
.
IN PRISON………the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK……….you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
.
IN PRISON……….you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…………you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
.
IN PRISON……….you get your own toilet.
AT WORK………..you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
.
IN PRISON……….they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…………you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.
.
IN PRISON……….all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK…you get to pay all your expenses and they deduct taxes to pay for prisoners.
.
IN PRISON………you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK ………..you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
.
IN PRISON ………you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK…………they are called managers
.
ENJOY YOUR DAY AT WORK!!

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21 ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called “Cowkimon” and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

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Co-Worker Holiday # 1

Co Worker Holiday 1

2

3

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HEAVEN OR HELL
While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St.. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…”
So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning.”
“Today, you voted.”

INSULTS WITH CLASS
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress…”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination..” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

ARE YOU A LIBERAL, A CONSERVATIVE OR AN ALBERTAN?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and
two small children. Suddenly, an islamic terrorist with a huge
knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams
obscenities, praises allah, raises the knife, and charges at
you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?
……………………………………………………….
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
Liberal Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say
about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing ME?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behaviour.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
……………………………………………………
Conservative’s Answer:
BANG!
…………………………………………………….
Albertan’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one!”
Wife: “You’re not taking THAT to the Taxidermist!”

--------------------------



ZEN OF SARCASM
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
04. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
05. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works .
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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A LOT OF THIS 'HUMOUR' CAME FROM THIS SITE.... thank u Gerold

About gerold

I have a bit of financial experience having invested in stocks in the 1960s & 70s, commodities in the 80s & commercial real estate in the 90s (I sold in 2005.) I am appalled at our rapidly deteriorating global condition so I've written articles for family, friends & colleagues since 2007; warning them and doing my best to explain what's happening, what we can expect in the future and what you can do to prepare and mitigate the worst of the economic, social, political and nuclear fallout. As a public service in 2010 I decided to create a blog accessible to a larger number of people because I believe that knowledge not shared is wasted.

View all posts by gerold →

http://geroldblog.com/2011/11/04/humor/


The Key we wish we all had...

I AM CANADIAN
I am in the minority in Calgary, Vancouver, Toronto and every casino in this country.
I was born in the forties, fifties, sixties or seventies yet, I am somehow responsible for some First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700’s!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make until mid-July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant…. These same people cannot name this country’s new territory.

DEAR GRAND-DAUGHTER:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, for the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
----


A FEW ZEN THOUGHTS FOR NOT TAKING LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous….tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don’t have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering “WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?!!!”