----------------------------------------
new penis tax:
The
only thing that the government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due
to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time
it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in
the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 2007 the penis will be taxed according to size. (now 2016)
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 Which one would be your tax bracket?
8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
Effective January 1st, 2007 the penis will be taxed according to size. (now 2016)
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 Which one would be your tax bracket?
8 - 10" Pole Tax $25.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4 - 5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
---------------------------
13 steps for
reintergration to civilian life:
1.
Admit:
"I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of cantact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout... get used to it.
"Fuck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
A combination of any curse word with any vowel, verb, adjective or adverb is also generally advised against.
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.
Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six."
3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true, so no more batwings, oop's I sat in gum, the brain, beating chicken heart, and no more "are these your strawberries?"
Also games such as finger in the butt-hand on the balls, the ass plow, the credit card and de-nah-na-nah aren't quite acceptable for civilian life
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance .
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700
12. The Law:
UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.
"I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of cantact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout... get used to it.
"Fuck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
A combination of any curse word with any vowel, verb, adjective or adverb is also generally advised against.
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.
Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six."
3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true, so no more batwings, oop's I sat in gum, the brain, beating chicken heart, and no more "are these your strawberries?"
Also games such as finger in the butt-hand on the balls, the ass plow, the credit card and de-nah-na-nah aren't quite acceptable for civilian life
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance .
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700
12. The Law:
UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.
-----------
it's tradition:
there
is this guy from country A, a guy from country B and an American, on a plane
with windows that can roll down. The guy from country A, eats a pear, then
throws the core out of the window of the plane. When the other two look at him,
he simply says "oh, it's tradition in my country" then later the
person from country B, eats an apple, and throws the core out of the window of
the plane, claiming simply that "it is tradition in my country"
Of course the American then takes a bomb out of his bag, throws it out the window and claims "It's tradition in our country"
-------------------------
Of course the American then takes a bomb out of his bag, throws it out the window and claims "It's tradition in our country"
-------------------------
The Lanark County
Engineer's Song:
Way
Conservatives Work with Government Workers
The
Lanark County Engineer's Song
(Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a government recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on the governments computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Ottawa is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some Tim Horton donuts and moved to Calabogie,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more Tim Hortons donuts and sat him at a tube,
The Conservatives said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead the Conservatives call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
(Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a government recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on the governments computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Ottawa is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some Tim Horton donuts and moved to Calabogie,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more Tim Hortons donuts and sat him at a tube,
The Conservatives said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead the Conservatives call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
[align=center]
---------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
Obsessions:
A
psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and
their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the
first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named
your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is
money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned
to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself
in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's
go."
-------------
Kinky :
A
young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the
girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip
me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
--------------------------------
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
--------------------------------
Canada
apologises to the US:
A
truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has
22 Minutes, CBC Television:
Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.
Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.
----------------------------------------------------
12 Rejected
Canadian Holiday`s:
The
Top 12 Canadian Public Holiday Ideas rejected by Canadian Parliament.
12-> Lawyers Day
11-> Start of Christmas Season Day
10-> False Labour Day
9-> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8-> Hallmark Card Day
7-> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6-> Cretienmas or Gomery Inquiry Day
5-> Deadbeat Father's Day
4-> Bad Hair Day
3-> Doris Day (Can be Conservative Gay Day or Stockwell Day Too as voted on by Canunk`s ON This Hour Has 22 Minutes)
2-> St. Hooter's Day
1-> Hash Wednesday
12-> Lawyers Day
11-> Start of Christmas Season Day
10-> False Labour Day
9-> Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
8-> Hallmark Card Day
7-> Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
6-> Cretienmas or Gomery Inquiry Day
5-> Deadbeat Father's Day
4-> Bad Hair Day
3-> Doris Day (Can be Conservative Gay Day or Stockwell Day Too as voted on by Canunk`s ON This Hour Has 22 Minutes)
2-> St. Hooter's Day
1-> Hash Wednesday
---------------------------------
A newfie calls
the RCMP:
A newfie calls the RCMP "Hello is
the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Billy Bob Smith. He is hiding
marijuana in his firewood!"
The next day the RCMP descends on Billy Bob's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's..
"Hey Billy Bob, did the RCMP come to your house?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop all your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Happy Birthday Buddy!"
The next day the RCMP descends on Billy Bob's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept. They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Billy Bob and leave. The phone rings at Billy Bob's..
"Hey Billy Bob, did the RCMP come to your house?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop all your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Happy Birthday Buddy!"
-----------------------------
A Newfie went
into the fish market to apply for a job:
A
Newfie went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to
himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test
for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be
able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss.
"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".
Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go bye," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100."
The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss.
"Second question, same rules, but represent 99".
Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go bye," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base
of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100."
The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."
He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"
----------------------
Did you hear
about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?:
Did
you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were
lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing
them back.
-----------------------------------
Inuit
Chill
There were three Inuit in the Artic, and while drinking at a local bar they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They couldn't agree on whose igloo was the coldest, so they set out to find out whose was.
They went to the first Inuit's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" He poured a cup of water into the air. The water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad", said the other Inuit, but each maintained their igloo was colder.
They went to the second Inuit's igloo and he said, "Watch this!" He took a big breath, exhaled and his breath froze into a big solid lump of ice and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Inuit.
But the third Inuit believed his igloo was colder. So off they went to his igloo.
"Watch this," he said.
He went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs and retrieved one of several small balls of ice lying there. He placed one on a spoon, lit a match and held it under the spoon.
When it heated up enough, the little ball of ice went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
There were three Inuit in the Artic, and while drinking at a local bar they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They couldn't agree on whose igloo was the coldest, so they set out to find out whose was.
They went to the first Inuit's igloo, where he said, "Watch this!" He poured a cup of water into the air. The water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad", said the other Inuit, but each maintained their igloo was colder.
They went to the second Inuit's igloo and he said, "Watch this!" He took a big breath, exhaled and his breath froze into a big solid lump of ice and fell to the floor.
"Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Inuit.
But the third Inuit believed his igloo was colder. So off they went to his igloo.
"Watch this," he said.
He went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs and retrieved one of several small balls of ice lying there. He placed one on a spoon, lit a match and held it under the spoon.
When it heated up enough, the little ball of ice went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
---------------------------
Newfie Joke:
Two
newfies, George and Frank, are getting tired of Newfoundland
and start to think about moving out West for a better life.
George is all for it but Frank is a little skeptical.
George says,"Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and
it'll be a good change fer us, "Frank replies,"I know Garge but what about the Atlantic?" Won't you miss the fishin, and smell of the salt water in the mornin'? "George agrees, but offers an Idea,"Well Frank, why don't you take your fishin'dory witch a and when ever ya starts to miss da rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St.Johns"
Well that's all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go. Well it's been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, "Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn't dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin' through the grain?"
Frank replies, "Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!" They unhook the
dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and
start rowing. Well it just happens that, at the same time
another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates
on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field
rowing away.
Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and
begins to scream at them.
"No wonder the whole country tinks we're stupid, look at you two
fools out there rowin 'Jasus, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick yer arses!!!!!"
and start to think about moving out West for a better life.
George is all for it but Frank is a little skeptical.
George says,"Frank bye, the work is plentiful, lotsa tings ta do and
it'll be a good change fer us, "Frank replies,"I know Garge but what about the Atlantic?" Won't you miss the fishin, and smell of the salt water in the mornin'? "George agrees, but offers an Idea,"Well Frank, why don't you take your fishin'dory witch a and when ever ya starts to miss da rock ya can hop in your dory and fantasize about St.Johns"
Well that's all it took to convince Frank, and they strap the dory to the roof of the truck and off they go. Well it's been 4 days driving and Frank is really missing Newfoundland, so George stops the truck in the middle of the prairies and says, "Look out at dose flat wheat fields Frank, doesn't dat remind you of the ocean, the way the wind is blowin' through the grain?"
Frank replies, "Lard tunderin Jasus Garge yer right!" They unhook the
dory and haul it out to the middle of the field, sit back, relax and
start rowing. Well it just happens that, at the same time
another Newfie is on his way back from Alberta and spots the plates
on their truck and then notices the two of them out on the field
rowing away.
Well the new arrival gets so angry he stops his truck, hops out and
begins to scream at them.
"No wonder the whole country tinks we're stupid, look at you two
fools out there rowin 'Jasus, if I could swim I'd come out there and kick yer arses!!!!!"
-----------------------------------------
The New Hockey
Player:
Toronto
coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the world looking for a new centre to
hopefully help win the Stanley Cup for Toronto.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi centre who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to Iraq to watch him play and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the NHL.
Two weeks later,Toronto is down 4-0 at home against Montreal with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi centre the nod to go on, and he puts him on in place of Sundin.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the ice, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in the NHL. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we were down 4-0 but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me; the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum, I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Toronto in the first place!"
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi centre who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So, Pat flies to Iraq to watch him play and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the NHL.
Two weeks later,Toronto is down 4-0 at home against Montreal with only 8 minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi centre the nod to go on, and he puts him on in place of Sundin.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins the game for Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the ice, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in the NHL. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today, we were down 4-0 but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me; the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum, I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Toronto in the first place!"
----------------------------
You Might Be A
Canadian...:
I
compiled this quick 3 question quiz to see if you are truly a Canadian
If
you are doubting if you are Canadian, take this quiz.
1. You like to drink beer when:
a) Watching hockey
b) Challenged to drinking games by friends
c) When the boss is not looking
d) Only on days that end in Y
2. You enjoy hockey:
a) Enough to sleep outide in an edmonton winter for stanley cup tickets
b) ALMOST enough to give up beer...Almost
c) As much to carry a hockey stick in you vehicle, just in case a game of shinney breaks out
d) So much as to hit anyone who says Wayne Gretzky is not Canadian
3. You will back out of going to your own wedding if:
a) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates hockey
b) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates beer
c) Your wedding is scheduled for game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs between 2 Canadian teams.
If you felt the need to circle more than one answer for any or all of the qusetions, you are, in fact Canadian.
DMP
1. You like to drink beer when:
a) Watching hockey
b) Challenged to drinking games by friends
c) When the boss is not looking
d) Only on days that end in Y
2. You enjoy hockey:
a) Enough to sleep outide in an edmonton winter for stanley cup tickets
b) ALMOST enough to give up beer...Almost
c) As much to carry a hockey stick in you vehicle, just in case a game of shinney breaks out
d) So much as to hit anyone who says Wayne Gretzky is not Canadian
3. You will back out of going to your own wedding if:
a) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates hockey
b) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates beer
c) Your wedding is scheduled for game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs between 2 Canadian teams.
If you felt the need to circle more than one answer for any or all of the qusetions, you are, in fact Canadian.
DMP
----------------------------
40 Things seldom
heard in Saskatchewan:
40
Things seldom heard in Saskatchewan
40. I heard the bonspeil was going to be alcohol free
39. Did you hear Nicole Kidman was spotted in Prince Albert?
38. Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.
36. Come to think of it cancel that beer, I'll have a wine spritzer.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house
34. Is the seafood fresh?
33. Sorry can't help you, I don't know where you could find a vlt.
32. I think John Deere Green looks tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe
30. I think it’s fair that Tereasa lost the idol competition, that little Albertan hobbit was just way more talented.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to P.E.T.A.?
28. So that's a tractor.
27. Perogies? What is that?
26. Why would we need beer? I thought we were just going fishing. (hunting, curling, across the street)
25. Honey, we don't need another dog
24. Who's Tommy Douglas?
23. So a Co-op’s a store? Is there one in this town?
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor
21. Could you give me a hand to draw this map. The top and bottom are just straight lines, what bout the sides?
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Canadian Tire today.
19. Over here is our line of tofu meat products.
18. Aw Tim Hortons again, there’s a Starbucks down the street
17. Why would you need a bbg truck like that?
16. So that’s a Buffalo, what’s a Bison?
15. Did you remember to change your clock?
14. I was thinking of adding a spoiler to my lowered Honda.
13. Are you going to make it to Saskatoon for the gay parade?
12. I don't think the Roughriders have a chance this year.
11. I've got two cases of Corona for the Grey Cup
10. Could I please be served in French
09. I just don’t feel like Bingo tonight
08. Shame about Moose Jaw getting hit by that hurricane. (mudslide, earthquake, volcano, avalanche etc.)
07. So, what phone company are you with?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Corner Gas" that we haven't seen
05. I don't have a favorite farm equipment brand.
04. It’s just over that hill. (or just around the bend in the hiway)
03. I’m just going to skip white tail season this year, I can't find any one to tape the View.
02. I'm rooting for the Eskimos to take it.
01. Nope, no more for me, I’m snowmobiling home
40. I heard the bonspeil was going to be alcohol free
39. Did you hear Nicole Kidman was spotted in Prince Albert?
38. Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.
36. Come to think of it cancel that beer, I'll have a wine spritzer.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house
34. Is the seafood fresh?
33. Sorry can't help you, I don't know where you could find a vlt.
32. I think John Deere Green looks tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe
30. I think it’s fair that Tereasa lost the idol competition, that little Albertan hobbit was just way more talented.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to P.E.T.A.?
28. So that's a tractor.
27. Perogies? What is that?
26. Why would we need beer? I thought we were just going fishing. (hunting, curling, across the street)
25. Honey, we don't need another dog
24. Who's Tommy Douglas?
23. So a Co-op’s a store? Is there one in this town?
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor
21. Could you give me a hand to draw this map. The top and bottom are just straight lines, what bout the sides?
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Canadian Tire today.
19. Over here is our line of tofu meat products.
18. Aw Tim Hortons again, there’s a Starbucks down the street
17. Why would you need a bbg truck like that?
16. So that’s a Buffalo, what’s a Bison?
15. Did you remember to change your clock?
14. I was thinking of adding a spoiler to my lowered Honda.
13. Are you going to make it to Saskatoon for the gay parade?
12. I don't think the Roughriders have a chance this year.
11. I've got two cases of Corona for the Grey Cup
10. Could I please be served in French
09. I just don’t feel like Bingo tonight
08. Shame about Moose Jaw getting hit by that hurricane. (mudslide, earthquake, volcano, avalanche etc.)
07. So, what phone company are you with?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Corner Gas" that we haven't seen
05. I don't have a favorite farm equipment brand.
04. It’s just over that hill. (or just around the bend in the hiway)
03. I’m just going to skip white tail season this year, I can't find any one to tape the View.
02. I'm rooting for the Eskimos to take it.
01. Nope, no more for me, I’m snowmobiling home
----------------------------
The New
Brunswick Cow Story:
JOKE
The
only cow in a small Newfoundland village stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the gulf in New
Brunswick for $200. They bought the cow from New Brunswick and the cow was
wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were
pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. Finally the cow came into season.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, just what they should do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side... she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in New Brunswick ?"
The people were astonished, since no one had ever mentioned where they had bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How in the world did you know we acquired this cow in New Brunswick?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from New Brunswick"
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. Finally the cow came into season.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, just what they should do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side... she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in New Brunswick ?"
The people were astonished, since no one had ever mentioned where they had bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How in the world did you know we acquired this cow in New Brunswick?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from New Brunswick"
------------------------
You know your
from Newfoundland when....:
You
only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
- You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
- You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
- You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
- The local paper covers national and international headlines on 1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for local softball scores.
- At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
- The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
- Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
- You think the start of salmon fishing season is a national holiday.
- You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You find -40C a little nippy.
- The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
- You can play road hockey on skates.
- You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Newfie friends.
--------------------
You Know Your
From The Maritimes When...:
1.
Your
idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor..on the highway.
2."Vacation" means going to Moncton for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit a deer.
5. You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down filled comforter in the summer.
7. You can drive 100 km through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on both your house and garage and go and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as: Meat, Fish and Tim Hortons.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
12. There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. Your lingerie consists of tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
17. It takes three hours to go to the store for one item, even when you're in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to everybody in town. And Finally: You know you live in the Maritimes when...
18. You actually understand these jokes and forwardthem to all your friends from the Maritimes.
2."Vacation" means going to Moncton for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit a deer.
5. You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down filled comforter in the summer.
7. You can drive 100 km through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on both your house and garage and go and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as: Meat, Fish and Tim Hortons.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
12. There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. Your lingerie consists of tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
17. It takes three hours to go to the store for one item, even when you're in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to everybody in town. And Finally: You know you live in the Maritimes when...
18. You actually understand these jokes and forwardthem to all your friends from the Maritimes.
-----------
You
know you're from Saskatchewan when...
-Your pronunciation of "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 syllable: "Skatchw'n"
-You go into a bar and order a Pilsner
-Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with an 'icky' feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day.
-You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as turn signals and yet, obvious options like trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras.
-You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the necessity for geographical correction lines
-You can't understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall.
-You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one or not at all.
-While cleaning out your teenage son's closet, you're alarmed to discover tucked away in the back a foot-high stack of old "Western Producers".
-You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis
-You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher
-You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can't believe he left only 5 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator - the idiot!
-Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places (Riders win Grey Cup).
-Every year you believe this will be the year for the Riders, and are surprised when it isn’t
-You never realized you had a fear of heights until the day you made the mistake of peering down an open well
-Your other vehicle is a Massey.
-When (if) the bank teller asks for some form of identification, you point to the arm patch on your slow-pitch jacket
-You question why they didn't call them the Cypress Mountains
-The local car wash has a sign prohibiting people from using it to wash out manure or animal blood.
-You've required a total of 40 stitches over the years for various lacerations suffered while doing the butterfly at wedding dances.
-You drive your truck through a metal detector...and it doesn't go off
-Americans give you weird looks because the name of your province and (or) town sounds funny.
-You know that the giant green turtle in Turtleford, is one of a kind
-Every birthday you receive exactly the present you most desperately need: a new curling broom
-You actually have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, although you still insist on wearing only one so the others don't get dirty, or you wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations
-You think the stock market is a place to buy cattle and hogs
-There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall
-There's a road sign from your home town on your living room wall
-Your not yet licensed to drive a passenger vehicle, but you’ve been driving tandem axle trucks and large farm equipment for years.
-You never had to ask were babies come from
-You’ve frozen a part of yourself to something else
-You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil
-You have a refrigerator just for beer
-You still drive a pickup truck from ’82 but you trade your snowmobile off every year on a new one
-Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture
-You come back from the dump with more than you took
-Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your hometown
-You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education
-Ethnic diversity in your hometown consists of the Asian family who own the restaurant
-You can expect the smaller businesses in town to be closed for at least a couple days in the fall due to hunting or harvesting.
-You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take
-You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance
-You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
-You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard
-You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
-You’ve taken Ukrainian dancing
-You’ve been ice fishing several times, but you always get too drunk to get around to the fishing part.
-Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
-You know if there’s no guys in your class it’s harvest time or hunting season.
-You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house
-You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
-You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields back 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
-You’ve been run off the road by or had a close encounter with farm equipment
-You know what everybody’s vehicle looks like and drive by the bar in the morning to see who was really drunk last night, and then tour around to see who’s parked at someone else’s house.
-You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor’s crops
-You have borrowed gravel from the RM road to fill potholes in your driveway
-Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow
-You have friends and neighbors with rooms, sheds, buildings etc. painted to match their favorite farm machinery brand
-You’ve been to drunk to finish a curling bonspeil
-You have at least as many vehicles as people in your family and own snowmobiles and ATV’s as well
-You have a tattoo featuring your favorite farm machinery brand.
-The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus
-You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial
-Directions to your house includes "turn off the paved road."
-Your pronunciation of "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 syllable: "Skatchw'n"
-You go into a bar and order a Pilsner
-Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with an 'icky' feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day.
-You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as turn signals and yet, obvious options like trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras.
-You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the necessity for geographical correction lines
-You can't understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall.
-You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one or not at all.
-While cleaning out your teenage son's closet, you're alarmed to discover tucked away in the back a foot-high stack of old "Western Producers".
-You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis
-You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher
-You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can't believe he left only 5 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator - the idiot!
-Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places (Riders win Grey Cup).
-Every year you believe this will be the year for the Riders, and are surprised when it isn’t
-You never realized you had a fear of heights until the day you made the mistake of peering down an open well
-Your other vehicle is a Massey.
-When (if) the bank teller asks for some form of identification, you point to the arm patch on your slow-pitch jacket
-You question why they didn't call them the Cypress Mountains
-The local car wash has a sign prohibiting people from using it to wash out manure or animal blood.
-You've required a total of 40 stitches over the years for various lacerations suffered while doing the butterfly at wedding dances.
-You drive your truck through a metal detector...and it doesn't go off
-Americans give you weird looks because the name of your province and (or) town sounds funny.
-You know that the giant green turtle in Turtleford, is one of a kind
-Every birthday you receive exactly the present you most desperately need: a new curling broom
-You actually have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, although you still insist on wearing only one so the others don't get dirty, or you wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations
-You think the stock market is a place to buy cattle and hogs
-There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall
-There's a road sign from your home town on your living room wall
-Your not yet licensed to drive a passenger vehicle, but you’ve been driving tandem axle trucks and large farm equipment for years.
-You never had to ask were babies come from
-You’ve frozen a part of yourself to something else
-You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil
-You have a refrigerator just for beer
-You still drive a pickup truck from ’82 but you trade your snowmobile off every year on a new one
-Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture
-You come back from the dump with more than you took
-Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your hometown
-You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education
-Ethnic diversity in your hometown consists of the Asian family who own the restaurant
-You can expect the smaller businesses in town to be closed for at least a couple days in the fall due to hunting or harvesting.
-You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take
-You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance
-You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
-You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard
-You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
-You’ve taken Ukrainian dancing
-You’ve been ice fishing several times, but you always get too drunk to get around to the fishing part.
-Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
-You know if there’s no guys in your class it’s harvest time or hunting season.
-You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house
-You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
-You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields back 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
-You’ve been run off the road by or had a close encounter with farm equipment
-You know what everybody’s vehicle looks like and drive by the bar in the morning to see who was really drunk last night, and then tour around to see who’s parked at someone else’s house.
-You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor’s crops
-You have borrowed gravel from the RM road to fill potholes in your driveway
-Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow
-You have friends and neighbors with rooms, sheds, buildings etc. painted to match their favorite farm machinery brand
-You’ve been to drunk to finish a curling bonspeil
-You have at least as many vehicles as people in your family and own snowmobiles and ATV’s as well
-You have a tattoo featuring your favorite farm machinery brand.
-The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey
- The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus
-You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial
-Directions to your house includes "turn off the paved road."
---------
You might be
from British Columbia if:
1.
You know the provincial flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sunny break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blendz, and Tim Horton's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos & Nanaimo.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark -while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and
Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sunny breaks".
18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
19. You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.
20. You can point to at least two ski mountains, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep the socks on.
24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
26. You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.
27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
28. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in your car in the same day.
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) & Raining Again (Fall).
34. You actually understand these jokes!
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sunny break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blendz, and Tim Horton's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos & Nanaimo.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark -while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," and
Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You cannot wait for a day with "showers and sunny breaks".
18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
19. You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.
20. You can point to at least two ski mountains, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
21. You notice "the mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep the socks on.
24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
26. You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.
27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.
28. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in your car in the same day.
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) & Raining Again (Fall).
34. You actually understand these jokes!
-------------------------------------------------------
13 steps for
reintergration to civilian life:
1.
Admit:
"I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of cantact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout... get used to it.
"Fuck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
A combination of any curse word with any vowel, verb, adjective or adverb is also generally advised against.
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.
Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six."
3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true, so no more batwings, oop's I sat in gum, the brain, beating chicken heart, and no more "are these your strawberries?"
Also games such as finger in the butt-hand on the balls, the ass plow, the credit card and de-nah-na-nah aren't quite acceptable for civilian life
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance .
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700
12. The Law:
UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.
"I was in the Army; I have a problem." This is the first step to recovery...
2. Speech:
Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0430 or 1400; it is 4:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
Words like latrine, overhead, fourth point of cantact, bunk, and "PT" will get you weird looks; bathroom, ceiling, and workout... get used to it.
"Fuck" cannot be used to -replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "um".
A combination of any curse word with any vowel, verb, adjective or adverb is also generally advised against.
Grunting is not talking.
It's a phone, not a radio; do not use words like roger, say again, send it and conversations on a phone do not end in "out"
People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Fort Huachuca with the platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.
Likewise people will not understand you when you use expressions like "watch your six."
3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans.
Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
A high and tight looks really dumb as well.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person; it makes you like the rest of the world; what's more it's a hat and not a cover.
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
4. Women:
Army girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.
Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.
Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard.
5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at your job.
Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about people you have killed or seen die.
How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
6. Drinking:
In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you"
That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat life saver school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
7. Bodily functions:
Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.
You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
VD will also not be funny
8. The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true, so no more batwings, oop's I sat in gum, the brain, beating chicken heart, and no more "are these your strawberries?"
Also games such as finger in the butt-hand on the balls, the ass plow, the credit card and de-nah-na-nah aren't quite acceptable for civilian life
9. Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills
Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
One day you will need health insurance .
10. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.
11. Real jobs:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
Remember 9-5 not 0430 to 1700
12. The Law:
UCMJ does not exist and will not save you from prison.
Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
13. General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important than you are, be polite.
Read the contracts before you sign them; remember what happened last time.
-------------------------------------
REMEMBER
2010 Winter
Olympics:
joke
Now
that Vancouver has won the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people
the world over are asking!!! These questions about Canada were posted on an
International tourism Website.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (UK)
A: We still use Beaver pelts.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather ... try the Hippodrome in Calgary on a Tuesday night! And come naked.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed beaver. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (UK)
A: We still use Beaver pelts.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North. Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is . . . oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, We don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather ... try the Hippodrome in Calgary on a Tuesday night! And come naked.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
---------------------------------------
Canadian
Drinking Rule!:
A
Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass
twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Canadian boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In Canada we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless Canada
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In
Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass
twice."
An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't
need to drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Canadian boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican
and the Iraqi, and catches his glass.
He says, "In Canada we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
God Bless Canada
------------------------------------
Dem Hutterites:
Two
Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Lethbridge, Alberta and head
directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher, says to John, the
Farm Boss, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says John. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Jacob and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge.
From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 1000-foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge.
Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob shakes his head and says "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me."
PART TWO:
Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been
to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge carrying
another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Jacob, vatch dis," Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Jacob shakes his head and says, "Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
PART THREE:
Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the
Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of which he
pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the
chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the
bridge and disappears down and down until he hits hard and breaks his
spine.
Jacob shakes his head in sadness. "First der vas John wid his budgie
jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... and now we've lost Abe from
hengliding.
directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher, says to John, the
Farm Boss, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says John. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.
Jacob and John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge.
From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 1000-foot drop and
says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge.
Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob shakes his head and says "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me."
PART TWO:
Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been
to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge carrying
another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Jacob, vatch dis," Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Jacob shakes his head and says, "Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
PART THREE:
Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the
Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of which he
pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the
chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the
bridge and disappears down and down until he hits hard and breaks his
spine.
Jacob shakes his head in sadness. "First der vas John wid his budgie
jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... and now we've lost Abe from
hengliding.
----------------------------------------
Don\'t try to
outsmart a Newfie:
A
Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in
the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted
by an ornery game warden who didn't like Newfies.
The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one Of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, Boy?"
The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting License. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain' t no Quebec Duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba License?" The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba Hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its Butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's From Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting License.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at The Newfie "Just where the hell are you from?"
The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You Tell me, you're the expert."
The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one Of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, Boy?"
The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting License. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain' t no Quebec Duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba License?" The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba Hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its Butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's From Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?" Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting License.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at The Newfie "Just where the hell are you from?"
The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You Tell me, you're the expert."
----------------------------------------
hang on to your
quarters:
Hang
on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth
much more than 25 cents. The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling
all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring
quarters from each province.
"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines."
"This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines."
-------------------------------------
It is great to
be Canadian!:
An
Albertan In Europe
An Albertan is on vacation in Europe, and is touring Paris.
When his tour group approached the Eiffel Tower, the first question he asked the tour guide was: "How many barrels a day does it produce?"
An Albertan is on vacation in Europe, and is touring Paris.
When his tour group approached the Eiffel Tower, the first question he asked the tour guide was: "How many barrels a day does it produce?"
-------------------------------------------
The Vancouver Blizzard
Vancouver (Reuters)
Day 2 - Vancouver Blizzard 2005 - Revenge of the Commuters
Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops.
Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.
Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver's most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV's actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.
Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
"The government has to do something," snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. "I didn't pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto."
---------------------------------
Saskatchewan Sandstorm
In the summer of 1988 there was a fierce sandstorm in Saskatchewan. A farmer found a hat laying in his field.
He picked it up and found the head of his neighbour, very much alive.
"Wow, exclaimed the farmer", I'll get a shovel and dig you out!"
"You better bring a backhoe," was the response, "I'm sitting on a horse!"
old newfies:
funny
Two
old fellers were talkin one day and decided that before they die they would
have one big party. that night they hop on a bus & go to st. Johns, fill
their pockets with viagra, and condoms, & have a few too many beer. they
then decide to look for a house of ill repute. they knock on the door & the
madam answers. 1st ol guy garge says we wants a woman me ducky. so the madam
gestures for a lady then whispers in her ear look at these 2 drunk old fools go
upstairs and put a couple of rubber dolls in the bed for them. at that the
madam led garge & pat to their rooms. next morning the wake up in the hotel
and exchange their stories garge says ya know pat i tink dat one i was wit last
night was dead wat do ya mean asks pat well say's garge i was on top doin me
lovins she never moaned, groaned, smiled, or farted. well says pat i tink mine
was a witch. a witch? asks garge yes by i was on top doin me lovins & i
tought i would try out me new false teeth so i bit her on the tit & she
farted & flew out da window
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the saga of canada:
the
indians own it!
the frenck run it!
the english pay for it!!!!
the frenck run it!
the english pay for it!!!!
---------------------------------------------------------
Tim Horton's
Explosion Revealed:
The
Truth Behind The Explosion
Authorities
have discovered that the Tim Hortons explosion was actually a terrorist
attack....... It was carried out by an offshoot of the Al-Qaida
group.....Al-Bagel.... They mean to blow up all the Tim Hortons in
Canada...This will cripple the Canadian Economy.......:)
--------------------------------------
Too Canadian:
You are too Canadian if...
1. You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars", including the
inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
3. You experience a warm fuzzy feeling while picturing a fat man with a
blonde Mr. Spock haircut giving a recorder recital to an audience of two:
an orange and purple sleepy-eyed giraffe with a voice like Lee Marvin and a
pin-headed hyper rooster who is made out of a flannel tea cozy and lives in
a bag on the wall.
4. You can easily get several people near you to wax nostalgic on this
same image (#3).
5. This doesn't bother you at all (#4).
6. You know who Ernie Coombs is.
7. You can still whistle the theme to "The Littlest Hobo".
8. Whenever you hear the word "car", you have to stop yourself from
involuntarily reaching back for a hockey net.
9. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
10. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments,
including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read
a word... (was that REALLY Sarah McLachlan in that one?)", "Of course, the
medium is the message", and "Kanata".
11. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the
"Hinterland Who's Who" spots so you can finally find out what happens to
the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
12. You participate in "ParticiPACtion". At least, until you fall down
laughing when you think of how your hair is getting "sweat-EE and
out-of-CONtrol".
13. You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy
Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
14. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's
good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
15. You really miss the ongoing saga of Jacques and William. Did they ever
escape those soldiers? And what about the girls? Strangely, just thinking
about it makes me thirsty...
16. You wonder if you're the only one who would like to see Ralph Benmergui
and Ian Hanomansing team up and become the new Wayne and Shuster.
17. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really
use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass
and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs
from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture
of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen
different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
18. You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
19. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't
possess a Canadian passport.
20. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if The Devil's
Advocates made fun of you.
21. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the
missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
22. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar
added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
23. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
24. Pet stores, even now, bring back fond memories of Hammy the Hamster
25. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's
"Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
26. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
27. You wonder idly if there is some government coverup of a covert
operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X Files" from British
Columbia to California, but you're far too apathetic to do anything about
it anyway, though it was nice seeing some of the old "Beachcombers" cast
getting some TV work now and then.
28. You wonder how the hell JD Roberts moved from MuchMusic VJ to national
anchor for CBS.
29. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
30. You read rather than scanned this list
1. You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars", including the
inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
3. You experience a warm fuzzy feeling while picturing a fat man with a
blonde Mr. Spock haircut giving a recorder recital to an audience of two:
an orange and purple sleepy-eyed giraffe with a voice like Lee Marvin and a
pin-headed hyper rooster who is made out of a flannel tea cozy and lives in
a bag on the wall.
4. You can easily get several people near you to wax nostalgic on this
same image (#3).
5. This doesn't bother you at all (#4).
6. You know who Ernie Coombs is.
7. You can still whistle the theme to "The Littlest Hobo".
8. Whenever you hear the word "car", you have to stop yourself from
involuntarily reaching back for a hockey net.
9. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
10. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments,
including your favourites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read
a word... (was that REALLY Sarah McLachlan in that one?)", "Of course, the
medium is the message", and "Kanata".
11. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the
"Hinterland Who's Who" spots so you can finally find out what happens to
the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
12. You participate in "ParticiPACtion". At least, until you fall down
laughing when you think of how your hair is getting "sweat-EE and
out-of-CONtrol".
13. You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy
Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
14. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's
good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
15. You really miss the ongoing saga of Jacques and William. Did they ever
escape those soldiers? And what about the girls? Strangely, just thinking
about it makes me thirsty...
16. You wonder if you're the only one who would like to see Ralph Benmergui
and Ian Hanomansing team up and become the new Wayne and Shuster.
17. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really
use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass
and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs
from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture
of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen
different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
18. You know Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.
19. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't
possess a Canadian passport.
20. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if The Devil's
Advocates made fun of you.
21. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the
missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
22. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar
added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
23. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
24. Pet stores, even now, bring back fond memories of Hammy the Hamster
25. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's
"Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
26. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
27. You wonder idly if there is some government coverup of a covert
operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X Files" from British
Columbia to California, but you're far too apathetic to do anything about
it anyway, though it was nice seeing some of the old "Beachcombers" cast
getting some TV work now and then.
28. You wonder how the hell JD Roberts moved from MuchMusic VJ to national
anchor for CBS.
29. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
30. You read rather than scanned this list
Two
guys, one old and one young, are pushing their! carts around Home Depot when
they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What
does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What
does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
------------------------------------
You gotta love
those Newfoundlanders:
The
owner of a golf course in Newfoundland was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Memorial University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
Everything but my earrings."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Memorial University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
Everything but my earrings."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
_________________________________________________________
A group of Newfoundland friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
A senior in Newfoundland was overheard saying .."when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Newfoundland."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Newfoundland because
everything happens in Newfoundland twenty years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
_________________________________________________________
The Newfoundland RCMP pulled over a pickup on Highway 1.
The RCMP officer asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
_______________________________________________________
A man in Newfoundland had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."
-----------------
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either."
-----------------
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